I Don't Want To Be Friends, part 2

It's not just politics or who won the presidency that has left me so disappointed and disillusioned today. I haven't "unfriended" people over bitterness that my candidate lost.

What hurts the most is that so many people in this country have chosen to go against everything that we stand for. How can you teach your children that being a bully is wrong when you elected one? How can you say you want to defend the constitution when you elected someone who would dismantle the first amendment if given half a chance? How can you tell me you love and care about me when you chose someone who bragged about sexually assaulting women; who calls women who disagree with him disgusting pigs; who wants to deny women the right to make decisions about their own bodies; you talk about following the rules and pulling your own weight and yet this man hasn't paid taxes in decades. You speak of respecting our veterans, and this man has mocked POWs, glorified war crimes, dodged the draft, and disparaged a gold star family. He's someone who wants to deny equal rights to just about every one who isn't rich, white, straight, male, and over a certain age.

Yes this is one man, but you chose him. You feel this person is fit to be the leader of the free world. If these are values that you hold, that you agree with, that you feel are not a big deal... It's not that I don't want to be friends because Trump is a bombastic asshole, it's because you are.

Overheard... And the Response I Wish I Would Have Made

A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I were sitting at the bar in one of the local steakhouses that we frequent, and I overheard a conversation between a woman and her companions.  I know, I know, you shouldn't eavesdrop on other people's conversations, but they were so loud it was impossible to not pay attention.

The woman was telling the man sitting next to her that she thought young women were evil and that they were the absolute worst.  I found this disappointing, but I figured that I would keep listening to see where it was going.  She started in on how her 15 year old daughter's best friend was a horrible bitch... Her reasoning? The friend told the daughter that she was beautiful without make up.  That's it. She told her friend that she was beautiful.  Mom wasn't having it though, she made sure to correct the friend and tell her daughter "She is only saying that because she wants to steal your man, and they only want she can do that is if you're ugly and not wearing make up."

I had to stop listening at this point, because I was starting to see red and I wanted to swim across the bar to confront the lady.  Instead I leaned over to my boyfriend and whispered into his ear, "Did I hear that right? Did she really just tell these people that her daughter is ugly without a face full of paint? Did I misunderstand?" He assured me that I heard correctly, and that maybe I shouldn't be listening in on conversations that I'm not part of.

So I went back to my drink, and food was served shortly, but clearly this exchange stayed with me.  It really bothers me that people are teaching their daughters that other girls are the enemy, and especially at such a young age.  A fifteen year old shouldn't have to worry about someone "stealing her man" she should be worried about whether or not she's going to pass her final exams, and what she's going to do over the weekend.  She should be learning that her girlfriends can last a lifetime, but your high school crush will likely only last a few months.  GIRLS ARE NOT THE ENEMY.  Boys aren't either, but they shouldn't be your only focus in life, there are so many other dreams to chase at that age.

I hope all my friends with daughters teach them to be true to themselves.  If they want to wear make up, that's cool, but that they don't need it to feel worthy.  They don't need to paint themselves to be beautiful, to be loved.  I hope they're taught that ugliness is more than skin deep, that you can be conventionally pretty, but still have a hideous soul and that it's better to be a good person than to look good in designer jeans.  Help the underdog, hold your friends' hand when they're feeling insecure, build up others instead of tearing them down.  Speak out when something needs to be said, be fearless.  Strength is more that big muscles, it's in your character, make yours one worth remembering.

A Short Update

It's been months since I've last posted, something like six, and I miss you terribly.  I have much more limited access to internet that I have in the past, and to be completely honest I've been suffering from writer's block.  I don't know what I want to write about, and I feel stuck.

There have been some changes since the last post.  We were unable to keep the dog we adopted around Thanksgiving time, she couldn't get along with Bugsy, our other dog, and the shelter said the best course of action would be to take her back.  She was an awesome girl, but needed to be an "only child" and Bugsy needs to live in an envrironment where he isn't in fear for his life on a regular basis.

We're still living out in the country, it is hard to believe we're only 2 months away from being in this place for a year.  There were beautiful wildflower growing on the mountains all around us, it made for a very scenic drive home, we often just hopped in the car and went looking at all the gorgeous places around us.

I an still happy at my job, it really feels like home. I've been there since September and I really feel like I've found my tribe.  It is such a great feeling to finally work at a place where I feel appreciated and that what I do matters.  Things are still great on the relationship front, I've never been in a place like this, and it's really the best.  It is so good to be part of a team.

Thankful 2015

I’ve been seeing a lot of daily posts across social media for the month of November counting people’s thankfulness, and while I’ve enjoyed seeing other people’s updates I haven’t participated myself this year.  That isn’t to say I’m not thankful for many things in my life, because I most certainly am.

I decided I would post a list here of the many things I have been thankful for, and while it will contain a lot of things, I’m sure it won’t be everything.  We should keep thankfulness in our hearts and minds all year, as well as the month of Thanksgiving.

·         My family

·         My friends, and those friends who have stolen so much of my heart they are family

·         My amazing boyfriend

·         Our “pack” (Bugsy and our new kid Bliss)

·         My job, I’m so incredibly thankful for this opportunity, I no longer want to puke at the thought of going to work in the mornings.

·         The house we live in, because even though it’s far (really far) from perfect, it’s home.

·         Applebee’s, Rooney’s, and Cielto Lindo… because without them I might actually have to cook on occasion.

·         That the weather has finally turned some and it’s no longer like sitting on the surface of the sun in my living room.

·         Hyperbole

·         Kindle and all the amazing books I’m able to download and take with me anywhere so I’m never without a book, I even have the app on my iPhone.

·         Technology that keeps me connected to friends and family that I may not be able to see or hear their voices often, I can still be up to date on their lives, or that has brought me new friends that I would have never made without the benefits of social media.

·         That earlier this year my uncle was able to get my car running smoothly again so that it would pass a smog inspection and I didn’t have to empty out my bank account or pull out all my hair in frustration.

·         That Netflix doesn’t charge late fees (sorry about keeping that movie for like 3 months btw)

·         That I didn’t get pulled over when it took me 2 months to put my registration sticker on my car… I paid for it on time, I just didn’t put it on the license plate… because lazy.

·         That even when I’m clumsy and hurt myself or have sinus problems, I’ve been relatively healthy… There is so much sickness and pain in the world, when my nose is runny or I have a headache, it doesn’t even compare to what so many other people are going through.

·         That I have a warm bed to sleep in at night, there are a lot of people in the world (or even our community) that don’t even have a stable roof over their heads, yeah it’s not the best bed in the world, but it’s more than what many people have.

·         That I was able to obtain a college degree without being saddled with tons of student loan debt.

·         That I grew up surrounded by love and privilege.  That doesn’t mean that I didn’t have to work hard for what I have, or that my family had things handed to them effortlessly, but we live in a country where so much is often taken for granted.  I’ve always had a safety net of sorts.  Not everyone can say that.

·         I’m thankful for the strong role models I’ve had in my life.  There have been lots of lessons to learn over the years, and I’m sure there are more to pick up along the way.  For those who taught me that the only time you really lose at anything is when you give up on yourself.  Play your hardest and to the best of your ability, and even if you don’t walk away with a victory, you can still feel victorious.  For those who taught me to never compromise my integrity.  If you can’t be real, nothing is real.

·         For afternoon snuggles with Bugsy in the lazy boy.

·         For having the opportunity to adopt Bliss this weekend.

·         For “I love you” text messages just because

·         For funny pictures of my friends’ and family’s children doing kid things.

·         For having a functioning washer and dryer at my house so I don’t have to literally lug dirty laundry across town.

·         For all the life experiences and dead ends that eventually led me to this place.

·         For learning that while bee stings are super irritating, I don’t think I’m allergic to them… mostly because while my finger still hurts, I didn’t die from it like the kid in My Girl (it was my first bee sting okay? Who knows what could have happened)

·         For all the people who volunteer at animal shelters.  I don’t think I could do it, just being in the room with all the dogs looking for homes broke my heart.  There were so many times I just wanted to cry for them, and of course take them all home, and give them all the snuggles.

·         For good music, and even for the terrible music I’m embarrassed to admit I listen to on occasion.

·         That when I fell down the other night I just bruised myself and didn’t once again sprain my ankle… even though I cried like a baby.

·         For good movies to entertain us while we don’t have cable.

·         That we finally got a landline so that while we live out in the country we don’t miss important phone calls.

·         That we live in a part of the world where it isn’t unreasonable to be dressed for the beach one day and snow the next.  That the cold we whine and cry about is nowhere near what the rest of the country faces…. Or the heat for that matter.

·         That gas prices are going down.

·         That I had the time and energy to make and post this list.

So there’s my list, of slightly over 30 things that I’m thankful for this season, and I’m sure it doesn’t even cover everything, but it’s a start.  Thank you for reading and I’ll see you on the next post.

Opinions are like Assholes

... but really, everyone has one, and unless it's explicitly asked for, it's really rude to shove yours in someone else's face.

Little Update

I haven't checked in with personal life stuff in awhile and I thought it was time to post a short update.

We'll start with a career change.... 

Today marks the end of my 3rd week at my brand new job, in an industry I never saw myself in... and let me tell you, I love it.

After nearly 15 years in customer service focused jobs, whether that be retail, managing the gym from hell, or car rental, I found myself exhausted and looking for a change.  A friend of mine mentioned a job opening at the company she works for and less than a week later I had a job offer.... one with higher pay, better benefits, a more relaxed atmosphere, and almost zero customer interaction.  Needless to say I jumped at the opportunity, and it might be the best job decision I've ever made.

Moving on to a location change....

In July the BF and I moved from our house in town... to a tiny little map dot about 12 miles east.  It's been a surprisingly easy adjustment... except for all the dirt, seriously, I've never swept so much in my entire life and I still can't keep up with it.  Our dog, however, loves the increase in dirt to play in and stinky things for him to roll in.  We're considering finding a friend for him so that he's not lonely while we're at work all day, but we haven't decided what we want yet... we prefer a small-medium adult shelter dog... but that tends to limit our options to yappy chihuahuas, which neither of us are fans of.

The house has required some work, but it's starting to feel like home, the only thing I really miss is the proximity of grocery stores and regular internet access... I  went from living less than a mile away from a store to living 12+ miles away, and while it's not an impossible journey it makes you think about how much you really want something... and makes you plan to pick up things before you go home at the end of the day.


Those are the biggest recent adventures, and I'll try to do better at writing more as I get opportunities, it's just hard without having internet access at home anymore.

a heart problem

I feel like we have a heart problem in this one great nation. We let too many things get in the way of loving each other and taking care of our neighbors.  We spend too much time looking down at our phones, at ourselves in the mirror, and not enough time looking at how we can help things get better.  We spend so much time trying to get what we believe is coming to us that there isn't enough time left in the day or money left in the bank to give what our communities deserve.
There are multiple mass shootings just about daily, I saw a calendar posted online today that showed all the mass shooting in the US this year. source  It's staggering.   What's even more baffling is that it's become so prevalent that people aren't even shocked by them anymore unless they hit close to home.  When people try to come up with solutions to all the gun violence they're met with resistance and people screaming about how no one is going to infringe on their Second Amendment rights to own firearms... but we have to do something to stop it, or at the very least find out why people are resorting to such drastic measures.  Is it mental illness? Is it entitlement? Is it just that some people are assholes and want to watch the world burn?  Personally I don't have any issues with stronger background checks and making sure your firearms are registered.  I don't feel like it infringes on your rights at all. You have a constitutional right to vote, but you still have to be at least 18 years old and be registered to cast your ballot, why shouldn't the same rules apply to pulling a trigger?  I understand that criminals are going to break laws, and murder has always been illegal, but you wouldn't let a diabetic toddler run around a candy store unattended, why would it be okay to allow just anyone to have access to items that were designed to maim and destroy? Yes... I also know that not all gun owners are irresponsible or mentally ill or going to go on a rampage, but if stricter laws, or making firearms/ammunition less easily accessible would save one town, one movie theater, one social security office, one elementary school from going though what Charleston, Aurora, Salinas, and Sandy Hook went through, it would be absolutely worth the inconvenience.

There is constant news coverage about people who abuse children, whether that be assaulting them, molesting them, starving them, kidnapping them, taking inappropriate photos of them and them profiting off those photos, what's the deal here? Do people really get off on violating our most innocent and vulnerable?

Websites like AshleyMadison encourage people to cheat on their spouses, and while this may not be the worst thing that could happen, it's still vile. If you don't want to be married, don't be married. If you want to be a dishonest creep, do it on your own time, don't hurt someone who loves you because you're bored.  If you feel like your partner is neglecting you, talk to them and try to figure out if the problem is fixable, if it is, fix it... if it isn't cut your losses and get out.  Maybe things aren't that simple, but that doesn't make creating an account on a site designed to help you be a cheat an honorable thing to do.

People seem to be more impatient and less empathetic than I've ever noticed. We live in a world of instant gratification, and if someone has to wait for more than a couple of minutes for anything they become irrationally irate.  Hey I'm sorry if you have to wait in line for your Big Mac, but those 10 people in line ahead of you got here first, it doesn't matter that you're in a hurry, everyone is in a hurry.  That doesn't mean you get to throw a tantrum because you ordered extra pickles and they forgot to add them to your burger.  Take a look at the Behind Closed Ovens blog on Jezebel's Kitchenette to see the worst of humanity and how they think it's acceptable to behave in restaurants.

Our educational system seems to be broken, in math and sciences we don't even rank in the top 20 based on global assessments. I'm including a graphic that illustrates the rankings, it belongs to a study from 2012 "which every three years measures reading ability, math and science literacy and other key skills among 15-year-olds in dozens of developed and developing countries." source  This study actually shows that we are improving BUT the scores are still so low that it's shameful and wrong. There are so many people in this country that don't value education anymore.  With tuition prices and student debt through the roof fewer and fewer young adults are receiving a college education, and even having that degree isn't guaranteeing any sort of promising future anymore.  I don't know  how to fix this, I think parental involvement is key, your first teachers should be your parents.  They need to teach their children that having a desire for knowledge is admirable.  They need to be taught to ask questions, to make mistakes and to learn from them, that they need to do things for themselves and to not expect anything to be handed to them without effort on their parts, that grades are their payment for the work they've done....you don't get an A because your mom calls the teacher and asks them to change the grade, you get an A when you earn it.

There seems to be more instances of bullying and teenage suicide than in years past, and while this could be due to the prevalence of social media and international news being available 24 hours a day in the palm of your hand, it seems there isn't a week that goes by without hearing about someone taking their own life because people were mean, like really really mean to them.  I hate that our children think that death is the only way to escape their tormentors, and that the people who are torturing these poor souls have no conscience telling them to take a step back.  It doesn't even stop at adolescence though... look at our country's leaders, the politicians running for President in 2016 spend more time tearing each other down than talking about how their going to raise our status back to greatness.  One election year I'd like to see all the mudslinging stop and only hear about what Candidate A is going to do to make thing better.  I don't need Candidate A to tell me anything about Candidates B or C, they can talk for themselves.  Is it even possible to run a clean campaign anymore?  Can we have a hero who doesn't turn their neighbor into a villain?  Is there a way for us to work together despite our differences?

I know I've listed a lot of problems and not a lot of solutions, I've asked more questions than I've answered, but if any one of these start a dialogue to help us get through these dark days, then my words were not wasted.  We have a long row to hoe friends, but I think we have the tools to make it work.

Here's the thing about heroes....

They come in all shapes and sizes, all colors, all walks of life, they wear different colored capes, and some don't wear capes at all.

Someone may think that Derek Jeter is their hero, while another person thinks that professional athletes are overpaid children playing games for money.  It doesn't make one person's view of Jeter more or less valid, it's just highly subjective.

That's why people getting mad at Caitlyn Jenner being honored as a hero instead of someone else who is "more deserving" irks me.  Is Caitlyn my personal hero? Eh... I think that her decision to transition late in life is brave and scary and that she can be a role model to so many people who just want to be themselves instead of pretending to be what society wants them to be, but I won't be dedicating a shrine to her in my living room... that space is reserved for Kelly Slater... I kid, I kid.

I think you can have multiple heroes, and they can range from someone who lives down the hall to someone on the moon.  If someone inspires you to be a better person, if someone has done great works, if someone has beat all odds and succeeded when everyone thought they would fail... I have no problem calling them a hero.

I don't think that it's fair or reasonable to think that because you don't think someone has reached "hero status" that they can't be someone that other people look up to, or that heroes are mutually exclusive.  Like I can't think that an EMT is a hero because firefighters are the real heroes... that just seems silly.... or another example I can't think that both soldiers and pacifists can both be champions.  Soldiers fight to keep us safe and free, they put their lives in the line of fire so that people like me don't have to, and I love them for that, at the same time I wish that we didn't have to use fists or guns and could instead use our words to get to a more peaceful place in this world.

Maybe my hero is a recovered alcoholic... someone who had demons, fought them, and won, but still feels weak sometimes.  Maybe your hero is your 8 year old niece who can still laugh and smile even though she has cancer.  Perhaps your neighbor's hero is that nice lady who has outlived her entire family and still manages to not be bitter.  There is even the possibility that YOU could be someone else's hero.  Not everyone is strong all the time, and they shouldn't be expected to, even the bravest person occasionally needs a hug and a night light.

Stay Stay Stay

Dear Friend,

I heard a rumor that you're struggling.  That you're having a hard time hanging on and that you've been thinking that maybe we're all better off without you.

You're wrong.

Hearts heal, and our minds lie to even the best of us.  You need to give yourself the time to sort things out.  The only way to not let time work its magic is if you cut yourself short, so please don't.

The world is a brighter better place with you in it.  Your talent, your intelligence, they're things that need to be shared with the world, and if not the whole wide world, the tiny one here in our community.  Your loss would be greatly felt.  You might feel like an insignificant pebble on the beach sometimes, but if you drop that pebble into a pond it's ripples go on and on and on.

I know that life can feel impossibly hard sometimes, and that the light at the end of the tunnel is often tiny and flickering, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.  Not to sound trite, but things DO get better. It won't be easy, all the best things require work.  Life will never be absolutely perfect, but that only gives you the opportunity to find the beauty in it's imperfections.  There is no magic greater than our ability to adapt and grow, even in shadows.

I feel like we can learn more from failures than successes, we have to teach ourselves how to be better, and our only real competition is the person staring back at us in the mirrors.  You don't have to be better than the person next to you, you have to be better than you were yesterday.

Find an outlet that isn't self destructive, whether that be art, helping others, exploring the world around you, read a book, lose yourself in a movie you've never watched before, spend some time in the great outdoors just watching the world spin around you, look for shapes in the clouds, whatever it takes to calm the voices in your head.

I know you may not be ready to read this, or that it might sound like someone who has no idea what you're going through is just throwing a lot of cliches in your face, but I've treaded shark infested waters myself and was able to swim to shore.  I just want you to know you have someone on your side ready to throw you a life jacket when you feel like you're going under.

You are loved, you are important, the world needs you.

Please stay.

Lauren

I don't want to be friends...

Early last week I felt like my head was going to explode from a rage aneurysm.

I learned that some people I considered to be decent human beings are racist scum and I learned that someone I've known my entire life puts more value on professional sports than human life. Real winners here folks, real winners.  The big reveal, however, is that I learned that I suffer no fools on social networks, and I feel no loyalty towards people who are toxic. These were mostly people that I don't have much contact with in real life (for good reasons apparently), but I decided history doesn't have to have a stronghold on my future.

For a moment I started drafting a status update to mass post across all my social networks, it went something like this:

• If you are someone who considers yourself to be better than others because of your skin color, national origin, the income bracket you were born into, gender, sexual preference, or any other factor that you have ZERO CONTROL over, kindly get the fuck off my newsfeed.  I don't want to know you.
• If you are someone who equates the Tom Brady/Patriots Super Bowl Scandal with what went on at Penn State and Joe Paterno looking the other way while a member of his coaching staff molested children for decades, see the above paragraph.  You are delusional, misguided, and I don't feel like being updated on your toxic views is something I'm interested in.
• If you think your religion should give you more rights that other people, you're wrong, go away.  You have the freedom of religion, you can believe whatever you want, you don't have the right to force those beliefs on anyone else.
• I'm not limiting your speech, I'm limiting your audience. Say anything you want, just don't expect me to listen to you anymore.

 

After spending a few moments thinking about everything I was going to say, I decided that instead of telling to GTFO, I would let their words and deeds help me decide which weeds need to be pulled from my flower bed.  I'd much rather do the plucking and know exactly why I can't/won't be friends with someone anymore than wonder why someone disappeared off the face of the earth.

Team You Do You

Right now my computer (at home) is down so blogging on any kind of regular basis is proving to be difficult (my job doesn't exactly want me writing non-work-related things on the clock... imagine that). 

My hope is to utilize some of the awesome journals I have lying around the house to gather my thoughts until I can find some time and internet access to post for the world to see.  I have so many ideas floating around my head, I don't want them to leak out while I'm technologically out of order.  All that being said, here's the latest:

Team You Do You

It seems like there is a lot of news/social media coverage on abortion rights lately.  You're expected to pick a side of the street to stand on and hold your "PRO-CHOICE" or "PRO-LIFE" signs and never find any middle ground.

Personally I tend to identify with the Pro Choice crowd, simply because I don't feel like it's my place to make other women's medical decisions for them, just like it isn't some stranger's place to make mine for me.  I believe that a woman should absolutely have a choice with what goes on with her own reproductive system and that her actual life trumps any potential life. 

I think her choice should be between her, her medical professionals, and whomever SHE decides to share it with.  If she choses to not notify her parents, the father/sperm donor, local news team, I think that she has her reasons and shouldn't be required to.  I do not think politicians, lobbyists, or random commenters on the internet should have a say in personal medical decisions.

I think that sex education should begin early in life, and be taught often.  It can start at home and lead to the classroom in age appropriate intervals.  People should be well informed about how their bodies work and all options for birth control and disease/infection prevention.  ALL OPTIONS.  Abstinence is something that should be taught along with condoms, hormonal birth control, and whatever else science may bring to the table, including abortions.  Abstinence only education simply doesn't work, and if you think talking to your kids about sex is scary and gross, imagine trying to help your child raise a child or having your kid have to deal with a preventable disease.  Birth control should be readily available at affordable prices, whether or not you have health insurance.  In my mind, an abortion should be a last ditch effort to stop an unwanted pregnancy, but life doesn't always go as planned. Abortions should be destigmatized, and should be looked at like any other medical procedure.

Let's face it.  Condoms break, The Pill sometimes fails, IUDs aren't compatible with everyone, sometimes a person gets caught up in the moment and has unprotected sex.  That doesn't even factor victims of sexual assault.  It only takes one sperm to collide with one egg and BOOM you could be pregnant even if you aren't prepared.  If you choose to continue the pregnancy, no matter the terms, that's your choice. I don't think anyone should be pressured into having an abortion that they don't want either. Your body, your choice. End of discussion.

Thankfully I've never been in a position where I've had to make that choice.  I have felt close once or twice though.  Shortly after college I found myself 30+ days late and I was terrified.  What would I tell my parents?  Would I be able to keep my job, or would my super religious bosses make things so uncomfortable that I would have to leave? I didn't have health insurance, how would I pay for anything?  Then the light bulb went off over my head and I did a Google search for the nearest Planned Parenthood and started looking at options.  A calmness washed over me, I wasn't stuck, there were choices. I wasn't going to have to face anything I wasn't emotionally or financially ready to deal with.  Luckily when I took (multiple) home pregnancy tests they were all negative and I was relieved of the decision making ordeal.  Not everyone gets that lucky, sometimes two pink lines show up at exactly the wrong time in someone's life and they're forced to come to terms with a new reality.

I think that if you call yourself "Pro-Life" you should hold yourself to that standard.  Support programs to help infants and children, instead of treating the young like punishments for their parents' reckless mistakes.  Make sure new mothers and fathers have all the tools they need to be good parents.  Encourage paid family leave for both parents after the arrival of their child.  Support prenatal care.  If you truly believe that life begins at conception make sure that you do what you can to make sure the child has the best chance at a future post-womb.  If you are not prepared for that kind of commitment to the life of all potential children, call yourself "anti-abortion" or "pro-birth" because if you aren't really interested in the life of the child once they take a breath outside of their mother's body, I don't see how you can call yourself "Pro-Life."

If you hate abortions, that's okay, that's your choice.  Don't get one, and don't encourage anyone your know or love to get one.  I know I'm making it all sound so simple.  I'm not including any statistics or antidotes beyond my own.  To me it all comes down to I'll do what's right for me in my life and my circumstances, and I won't judge you for doing what's right for you and yours.

#aftersexselfie

it's okay to keep reading, I'm not going to actually post a photo... just a little commentary on the phenomenon that struck social media a couple months ago... yeah, I'm late to the game... no I'm not participating (or even really sitting on the sidelines cheering people on).

Anyway... when I started hearing about the hashtag trending over social media I was dumbfounded. Not only was I unable to comprehend why it was trending, I was sad that the world is turning into a place where there is no privacy, nothing is special, and there is no real one on one intimacy anymore, we have literally invited the world into our bed. Why would anyone want to share that? Why would anyone want to see that? Are you REALLY so connected to your online persona that after sex that the first thing you think of is photographically documenting it for prosperity and public consumption? Seriously... why?????

Then one morning I got it. Well a tiny part of it anyway.  I still don't understand the need to share that moment with the masses, but what I totally 100% understand is the want to preserve that feeling of intimacy.  I can completely wrap my mind around wanting to have visual evidence of that perfect moment.  Everyone has bad days and maybe having an opportunity to look back on a time when you felt that fantastic could cure even the worst moods. 

Then the cold hard truth of reality sets in and I think about the birds nest my hair probably is, the makeup smeared all over my face, and remember exactly why some moments are better lived than captured in digital pixels forever. I love retreating to fantasy land and relive those feelings just like anyone else would, thankfully I have a vivid imagination and don't need a photo app to remember.

Look Ma! No Hands!

It has been awhile since I posted something more than an album review, dream journal, or something light on content but big on giggles.  Let me catch you up.

Shortly after Christmas my awesome-amazing boyfriend asked to officially move in with him.  I think I've put longer thought into picking out what color nail polish I want to buy, I immediately said yes (it was the easiest decision I've ever had to make and every day I'm so thankful for this life I'm living), gave my landlord 30 days notice, and started moving things to his house, I mean our house (it took awhile for me to get the hang of saying it).  I was all in within 2 weekends (it was too hard to try to move during the week).

Let me tell you.... living in sin is the best thing ever.  For me there didn't really even seem to be any growing pains, it just feels like home. He does most of the cooking, I do most of the laundry, and we share the other cleaning chores, they get done as they need to.  Everything seems to be falling in place.  I never thought living with someone else would be so easy, I don't know what I thought it would be like, this is the first time I've ever lived with a boyfriend, and I'm glad he's the one I'm experiencing all this new stuff with.  My family loves him (which is a great feeling). We have a cute little dog named Bugsy, we spoil him rotten...he's like having a 3rd person in the house half the time.

So that's the big life update. I don't think I've ever been this happy and relaxed in a relationship.  I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop or for some dramatic disaster to happen.  It just feels good to have a true partner, not just someone who is there for the moment.  For the first time in my life I feel like a real adult, not a kid in a grown up body. It's not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.

Another update is that today I decided to become a Partner in Hope.  I signed up to give a monthly donation to St. Jude's Children's hospital. I've had a nagging feeling for a long time that I need to become involved in something that is bigger than me and my personal world, but I didn't know where to start.  This morning on the drive to work one of the local radio stations was hosting a radiothon to raise money for the hospital and I was moved to donate.  I can't afford to give a lot, but I can afford to give what I used to spend on a monthly sample subscription.  If you want to become a Partner in Hope you can follow the link and help battle childhood cancer. If you can't afford to donate money, maybe you can find a cause that speaks to you and you can donate your time, and if you don't have time or money (hey we've all been there, no judgment) you can share links on how to help your cause of choice, maybe you'll inspire one of your friends to help out in any way they can.

What Not To Say...

I've noticed that a lot of articles about "10 Things Not To Say To _____________ (married people, single people, people with kids, your significant other, people with newborns, people without children, people of different ethnic backgrounds, people with or without pets, people who are people)" are popping up all over social media and all I've taken away from these articles is that people are too sensitive, whiny, and self important.

seriously, don't

If you followed all those "rules" you wouldn't be able to say anything to anyone.  I feel like if you can't say things to your friends, who can you talk to?  Strangers? That's a different story, unsolicited advice from someone you don't know is rarely welcomed.

Yeah, it's annoying when you're single and someone asks "Hey... when are you going to find the right person and settle down?" Like the right person is sitting on a shelf in the grocery store waiting to be picked up with your box of pasta, or when you're dating someone you really like and the questions like "So... when are you going to get married?" start... then you walk down an aisle exchange rings and then people think it's okay to start interrogating you about when the babies are going to arrive, if you've invested enough in your 401K, or once you do hear the pitter patter of small kids people tell you how to raise them, pepper you with questions about college funds and prep schools, and it seems like you can't win.

Here's the thing... and it's something I have to remind myself when I'm getting annoyed... people are asking because they care, because they're trying to help, because they're hoping someone can benefit from their experiences... not because they're sadistic assholes trying to bring your sleep deprived state to the brink of craziness and then push you over the Cliffs of Insanity. Your friends and loved ones want you to be happy, they want to be involved in your life, they want to help in ways that they know how.  Sure it might not be what you want to hear, maybe you'd rather have them bring you a casserole or scrub a toilet for you, or maybe hold the baby so you can shower, or take the dog for a loop around the neighborhood, you know as long as they don't set you up on a blind dates or sign you up for a dating site without your permission.

My suggestions? (in less than 10 bullet points)

• Grow a thicker skin (yeah, that's a douchey thing to say, but it doesn't make it less true)
• If you want to help a friend, instead of putting in your two cents worth of advice maybe ask them "How can I help you?" or "What do you need?" or "This worked for me... maybe it would work for you" instead of "HEY! You're doing it wrong MY WAY is the ONLY WAY"
• Recognize that the world is bigger than you and your experiences... and that life doesn't have to be a competition.
• Don't touch a stranger without permission (don't pet someones hair because you think it's pretty, pregnant bellies are not public property, and not all dogs like unfamiliar people) 
• Intentions matter, even if the road to hell is paved with good ones.  Meaning if someone is trying to be helpful and nice, don't look for reasons to be angry about it.  If someone is being an asshole, then respond accordingly.
• Think about what you're about to say before opening your mouth. If it sounds offensive, it probably is.  Trust me any sentence that starts with "I'm not trying to be {insert word here}, but ________" you are accomplishing that very thing without even trying. Same thing goes for "Just saying...." or "No offense, but....." 
• Understand that different tactics work for different people, and what might be awesome for you might be the worst thing ever for someone else.  You do you, let them do them. 
• Basically treat other people the way you'd like to be treated, no matter how different they may be from you.  We learned this in kindergarten, let's apply it to real life.

Christmas All Year

This morning while I was picking up around the house and putting away gift bags and organizing the house around new gifts, I was struck by an idea... one that I'm sure millions other have had, but it's one that deserves a voice.

I have two (at least) Christmas celebrations a year, Christmas Eve with my mom's side of the family, and Christmas day with my dad's.  These get togethers were so nice, everyone was laughing and reminiscing about days past.  Everyone was helpful and happy and eager to have a great time, there was no drama, no gossiping about people who couldn't make it (although there was lots of talk about how we missed the loved ones who were missing).  As far as I could tell there was no negativity, just love.

I realize my Christmas experience probably wasn't every one's, but if we could all take some of that day and apply it to the other 364 days out of the year I think the world could be a better place.  If we could just be more patient, more kind, more understanding, and show more love to our fellow planet dwellers there would have to be less pain, stress, and suffering all around.  I know it sounds too easy, but if we all made tiny changes, we could collectively make a huge impact.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season, and that we can all tackle the new year with hope in our hearts.

25 more facts

Close to three years ago I posted 25 random facts on this blog... and 3 years prior to that I posted 25 facts to Facebook before I was blogging. I thought it might be fun to try my hand at it again.  My first fact will update one of the facts from the last time I posted this:

1. I own ALL of the Harry Potter movies on DVDs
2. New Orleans is one of the best places I've ever visited, and I've only been there once for 7 days.
3. My Bacon Number is 3, because I met David Arquette in NOLA, he was in the Scream Movies with Neve Cambpell and she was in Wild Things with Kevin Bacon.
4. I avoid Light Beer if I can (a girl has to grow up sometimes... if it's worth drinking, it's worth the calories, if it isn't worth the calories, water will do just fine).
5. I prefer wine tasting tours to bar hopping
6. I still drive a 2005 Chevy Aveo named Tiny Tim
7. Halloween might be my favorite holiday, followed by Christmas, then my birthday.
8. I've never been zip-lining
9. I discovered I am not a fan of heights if I don't have some sort of guardrail to hold on to.
10. Currently I'm OBSESSED with Taylor Swift's 1989 album.
11. My favorite restaurant is The Palace in Santa Barbara.  Well at least my favorite one that I can get to in an hour, Jaques-Imos in New Orleans would probably be my absolute #1.
12. My biggest pet peeve is intentional ignorance. Don't play stupid with me, it will make me want to punch you in the face. 
13. Asada nachos are my favorite snack/lunch/meal... bonus if they're from Dos Carlitos in Buelton or La Picosita in Santa Maria. (bet you thought it was going to be mac and cheese... trust me it was a tough decision to make)
14. I'd rather spend a weekend in a hotel than camping
15. I'd rather be at the beach if I'm working on my tan... but I'd rather swim in a pool (no sharks).
16. Confession, I prefer my Kindle to paper books... hangs head in shame, I'm part of the problem that is causing book stores (that I LOVE) to close.  I like to go to Barnes and Noble to check out books that I'd like to download.
17. I own multiple journals... that are still blank. I buy them with the intention of writing, then don't sit down and chronicle my life.
18. I am as excited as a tweenager about the upcoming release of the Hunger Games movie Mockingjay.  I've seriously considered pre-purchasing the tickets, but so far have refrained.  I'm slightly concerned that my boyfriend thinks I'm mentally 13.
19. I'm trying very hard to fight my genetic inclination to be a hoarder. I'm going to sell/donate a minimum of 3 large (yard waste sized) garbage bags of clothes/accessories that no longer fits/is no longer my style/has been hanging in the closet so long that it is dusty.
20. In the last two years I have learned how to make a grilled cheese sandwich that I will actually eat... the trick is to cook it slow on low heat... no matter how hungry you are. Trust me slow and low, it is the tempo. The Beastie Boys wouldn't steer you wrong and neither will I.
21. Out of all the concerts I've been to over the years, the best ones have all been country music. In order of greatness (although 2 and 3 are really close):
1. Garth Brooks (hands down, no questions)
2. Gary Allan
3. Dierks Bentley
22. I'd rather spend a casual night at home with people I love than a fancy night night out with someone that I feel mediocre about.
23. It's EXTREMELY hard for me to mask my emotions... unless I'm at work, then I'm a robot.
24. My favorite hot teas are: Hot Cinnamon Sunset by Harney & Sons (caffeinated) and Stash Licorice Spice (herbal){even though I hate black licorice, I love the tea... go figure}
25. By the time I post this, my blog will have reached 20,000 hits in 3 years and less than 200 posts. That excites and humbles me. Thank you for reading. I'll try to continue to keep things interesting so that you'll want to come back

"You Get What You Settle For" - Louise Sawyer, Thelma and Louise

I'm not a big fan of settling, I'm willing to wait for what I want most of the time... so when I see people I care about settling for less than what they want or deserve in relationships it truly baffles me.

Are you really too cheap to buy an electric blanket to warm your bed at night?

Why do so many men and women stay in unsatisfactory relationships with someone they're only dating?  I can understand trying to work things out if you're in it for the long haul, but why would you stay with someone who has made it abundantly clear (many times) that a) they aren't in love with you, b) wouldn't miss you if you were gone, c) doesn't see ANY kind of future with you.

Are you REALLY that masochistic? I know you can't be naive enough to believe that you can change someone's feelings just by waiting it out.

And for the person who allows the relationship to continue even though you don't want it... why?  Why do you want to waste your time, and someone else's?  Why do you want to tease someone who you know is crazy in love with you when you know you'll never return the feelings?

Are you REALLY that sadistic? I've seen you be so much better than this, why are you hurting someone on purpose, because you are.  You know that your actions (or inaction) and your lack of feelings are hurting this person, but you haven't been firm in telling them to pack their bags.  Are you lazy? Or just that emotionally bankrupt that having anyone (even if it's the wrong one) love you is better that being single (even if you don't love them)?

None of this is okay.  Breaking up can be hard, painful, and ugly... but you know what is worse? Wasting years of your life with someone that you don't care about or who doesn't care about you.

Graduation Day

This year marks the 15 year anniversary of graduating from high school, and the 10 year milestone for graduating from the university. 

I’m not sure if I know anyone who is celebrating their own graduation this year, but if I could give my younger self some advice it would go something like this.

Work hard to accomplish your goals even when it’s easier to be lazy, it’s not the grade that is important, it’s the life skills you gain by learning time management and the satisfaction of a job well done.  Even though group projects are THE WORST, they prepare you for life outside of school and learning how to work well with difficult people is something you’re going to have to get used to.  You will discover that your best friends will filter through the time and miles, and that you don’t need to see them every day to stay close to them.  People will surprise you, both good and bad, and you will surprise yourself.  Be true to who you are, and even though it’s completely clichéd don’t sweat the small stuff.  Remember that your actions have consequences, not only for yourself but for others around you as well.  You are not an island.

Play harder.  Fall in love with life over and over again.  You’ll never have the free time and lack of responsibilities like you do now again, at least not until you retire or marry a billionaire, and you can’t count on either of those future options.  Laugh as much as possible, spend time with your family, you don’t know how much time you have left with them.  Never forget to say “I love you” there will come days that you’ll regret that you didn’t say it enough to the people who needed to hear it the most.

Experience new things, you’re going to love sushi, and stop being afraid of change.  Be bold, be brave, and sometimes leap before you look.  Don’t panic when things don’t go as planned, detours are often the best part of adventures.

Be careful who you give your heart to, but at the same time never be afraid of love.  Even when that certain someone breaks your heart, and he will, love is always a gift.  You will get hurt, life doesn’t come with a floatation device and some days you’ll feel like you’re drowning, but you have to keep swimming, even if you get tired.  Remember the good times, but don’t let them blind you to dangerous situations.  Be gentle with other people’s hearts too, even if you can’t love them back, don’t be callous, and don’t hurt them on purpose.  It’s much kinder to rip a band aid off than to slowly tear every hair out one by one, it may not seem like it in the moment, but it really is.

Above all stay honest, speak your mind, do not allow yourself to be silenced.  Your stories matter, your voice needs to be heard.  Never stop sticking up for the underdog even when it’s hard and it might make people uncomfortable.  Do what feels right in your heart even if it means taking a different path that the one you originally started on.

Learn to let go of the toxic people in your life, you may not always be able to avoid them, but you don’t have to go out of your way to make space for them in your heart either.  If someone treats you poorly on a regular basis, they are not your friend, stop making excuses for their bad behavior and move on, it won’t always be easy, but your mental health will thank you for it down the road.  Hold the people who support you, who inspire you, who grow you, close to your heart.  These are the people who will be there for you whether you live 2 miles away or 2,000.  Be the kind of friend that will answer the phone at 2am and come to a friend’s rescue, no questions asked. 

There are going to be hard days ahead, really really hard days, ones that make you wonder why you even got out of bed.  Your friends are going to be the ones to get you through these days, whether they offer you a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear, a road trip to distract you, or they crawl in bed with you so that you don’t feel so alone.  Remember that there will be better days to come, and that while some things you never really get over, it will get easier to roll out of bed and learn to smile again.  No one gets through life unscarred, you have to make a decision to be a victim or a survivor, sometimes you have to make that very conscious choice every day.  You absolutely cannot let the bad days defeat you.  You are allowed to cry, you are allowed to be vulnerable, you are allowed to feel scared and weak, you are NOT allowed to give up.

Be passionate about the world around you.  Never lose the joy of learning new things, never stop challenging yourself.  You are a creative person so lose yourself in your art whether it’s taking photographs, drawing, writing, or any other mediums you pick up on your journey.  Change the world around you, make it a better place, find a cause that you can fight for. Be an advocate, an ally, and let your voice ring out among the masses.  There is so much wrong in the world, do your part to set things right.

Do your best to live a life with as few regrets as possible, try not to stay angry at people who have disappointed you. You do not always have to forgive and forget, but you do have to let go and move on.  If you’ve done something that you are sorry for, apologize sincerely.  If someone has hurt you, find a way to get passed it, even if that means letting go of the relationship (whether that be a friendship, a romance, a negative work environment, or maybe even a family member).  You cannot control other people’s behaviors, but you can control your reaction and limit your interactions.  Try not to hold hate in your heart, it only hurts you, it won’t always be easy but it is important.

I have found that the easiest way to be happy is to find joy in the small things, minimal traffic on the way to work, flowers blooming, good coffee in the morning, eyeliner applied perfectly the first time, casual hot tub nights with the girlfriends, spending time in nature, late night talks with people who make me laugh, guilty pleasures like celebrity gossip and fashion, reading, bright colors, Harry Potter on DVD, and good food.  Your goals and ideas about how your life should be will change over and over again and that’s okay, there’s no shame in changing your mind or deciding that maybe you were a little off in the coordinates you used to map out your life.

#YesAllWomen

This hashtag has been floating around the internet for the last week or so, since the tragedy in Isla Vista. It's become a forum for people to share their experiences, their support of each other, it scared a lot of people, but it also reassured many that they were not alone.

It blew my mind to read about things that had happened to friends and strangers, some of things people had experienced might have been something as mild and someone giving them a creepy once over to people being assaulted and left for dead, just for being born female. I got lost in the stories, I cried with my sisters of the world, I had gotten angry, and I grieved for what was lost.

Some people took offense to the trending topic, stating that #NotAllMen were monsters and it was unfair to paint such an ugly picture of their half of the human race. Some people thought it was fear mongering and was trying to turn woman into man-hating banshees.

I found that those arguments were derailing to the cause, that most rational people would understand that not all men were bad guys, and that while all women have probably experienced some sort of harassment, they aren't all victims. We don't all hate men. We aren't all walking around scared.

We are strong. We are survivors.

The louder we are, the more we break barriers, the more we become comfortable telling our stories, the better chance we have that our daughters, our nieces, our friends little girls won't have to share these experiences.  That they won't have to learn how not to get raped, that they won't have to clench their car keys in their fists while walking at night, that they won't be afraid to report the crimes against them, and that when they do report those crimes they will find justice.

This memorial weekend marked the 18 year disappearance of Cal Poly freshman Kristin Smart, they are no closer to solving her mystery than they were nearly two decades ago, the case is still open and still gathering dust.  When will her parents get the truth?  When do they get their closure?

When will all the people who have been ignored or neglected by the legal system get the justice they deserve?

We need to stand up and fight, we need to be heard, we need to be brave and cannot allow ourselves to be silenced by people who are afraid of our strength.

Come On Get Happy

The other day I posted a funny .gif parade that I titled "We Choose Our Own Happiness" and while in itself, the post was a bit of a joke, there is a lot of truth in the statement.

I think people, myself included, often look to the outside to fix whatever is bothering them, whether it be a job that they are unhappy with, the town they live in, family members that they butt heads with, the people they surround themselves with, and the list goes on. However, if you're looking for someone, or some thing else to make you happy, you're doing it wrong.

There are absolutely situations that you cannot control, and they will affect your emotions, there isn't anything wrong with that.  Sometimes a stranger is going to be rude to you, sometimes a family member is going to hurt your feelings, sometimes someone you love is going to disappoint you, that's part of the human experience.  Your reaction, and your ability to let it go, is completely up to you.

Change isn't easy, in fact it's probably the hardest thing humans ever have to do.  It's easy, even if it isn't satisfactory, to live the status quo.  If you want to lose weight, you aren't going to do so laying in bed watching Harry Potter movies every day after work (looking in the mirror) you have to eat better and exercise... but cheese is delicious and cardio sucks balls... there are always excuses, there are always reasons (tired, busy, stressed at work) to do the easy thing, but you can't expect to wake up one morning looking like Giselle if you aren't willing to do the work.

It's the same thing if you're in a toxic relationship, if you aren't willing to talk to your partner, to explain why you aren't happy and figure out how to make the changes necessary to get better, you're always going to be upset and resentful that the person you care for can't read your mind.

For people who are chronically lonely, being a hermit isn't going to solve the problem.  You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone, even if it's just smiling at the person next to you in line at the grocery check out.  Compliment a stranger, call an old friend, hang out in a place that's different than your usual haunts, you aren't going to meet new friends sitting on your couch listening to Ross an Rachel yell at each other about whether or not they were "on a break."  I know that you can meet new people via social networking, I've made some amazing friends that way, but chatting online with someone (as awesome as it can be sometimes, hell sometimes it's just what you need) doesn't always take away the need for human interaction.  This advice also goes for people who are upset about being single, Mike Rowe wrote a great response to someone who was unhappy with his job, and he also commented on how people hate being single, but they're waiting for the "Perfect Person" to fall into their lap and in love... except it doesn't work that way, YOU have to be willing to come out of your shell to meet someone new. You can read it HERE if you're interested.

I know that depression is real, that it isn't just being sad because you didn't get that puppy for Christmas 20 years ago and you just need to get over it and move on with your life.  I know that you can't make someone get help if they don't want it or don't feel like they're ready for it.  I know that you cannot make anyone else happy, just like you cannot depend on someone else to make you happy.

If you feel like you're in over your head and too tired to tread water, please seek help, whether that's calling on a friend, finding a counselor, starting a blog, volunteering at a shelter (human or animal), writing sad country songs,  or start painting your blue period... do whatever it takes to see the sunshine again. And by "whatever it takes" I mean, do something healthy, do something productive, do something to show yourself that there are better days than these.

Let go of the pain (I promise I won't burst into Disney songs here), I'm not telling you to forgive and forget the people who have hurt you, some things aren't forgivable or forgettable, I don't know your story, but you can make it so that past wrongs can no longer hurt you in the future.  Let go of toxic people in your life, even if it isn't easy, let them fade into the background where they belong, do not let them occupy space in your head or your heart, they don't deserve it.