Little Update

I haven't checked in with personal life stuff in awhile and I thought it was time to post a short update.

We'll start with a career change.... 

Today marks the end of my 3rd week at my brand new job, in an industry I never saw myself in... and let me tell you, I love it.

After nearly 15 years in customer service focused jobs, whether that be retail, managing the gym from hell, or car rental, I found myself exhausted and looking for a change.  A friend of mine mentioned a job opening at the company she works for and less than a week later I had a job offer.... one with higher pay, better benefits, a more relaxed atmosphere, and almost zero customer interaction.  Needless to say I jumped at the opportunity, and it might be the best job decision I've ever made.

Moving on to a location change....

In July the BF and I moved from our house in town... to a tiny little map dot about 12 miles east.  It's been a surprisingly easy adjustment... except for all the dirt, seriously, I've never swept so much in my entire life and I still can't keep up with it.  Our dog, however, loves the increase in dirt to play in and stinky things for him to roll in.  We're considering finding a friend for him so that he's not lonely while we're at work all day, but we haven't decided what we want yet... we prefer a small-medium adult shelter dog... but that tends to limit our options to yappy chihuahuas, which neither of us are fans of.

The house has required some work, but it's starting to feel like home, the only thing I really miss is the proximity of grocery stores and regular internet access... I  went from living less than a mile away from a store to living 12+ miles away, and while it's not an impossible journey it makes you think about how much you really want something... and makes you plan to pick up things before you go home at the end of the day.


Those are the biggest recent adventures, and I'll try to do better at writing more as I get opportunities, it's just hard without having internet access at home anymore.

Look Ma! No Hands!

It has been awhile since I posted something more than an album review, dream journal, or something light on content but big on giggles.  Let me catch you up.

Shortly after Christmas my awesome-amazing boyfriend asked to officially move in with him.  I think I've put longer thought into picking out what color nail polish I want to buy, I immediately said yes (it was the easiest decision I've ever had to make and every day I'm so thankful for this life I'm living), gave my landlord 30 days notice, and started moving things to his house, I mean our house (it took awhile for me to get the hang of saying it).  I was all in within 2 weekends (it was too hard to try to move during the week).

Let me tell you.... living in sin is the best thing ever.  For me there didn't really even seem to be any growing pains, it just feels like home. He does most of the cooking, I do most of the laundry, and we share the other cleaning chores, they get done as they need to.  Everything seems to be falling in place.  I never thought living with someone else would be so easy, I don't know what I thought it would be like, this is the first time I've ever lived with a boyfriend, and I'm glad he's the one I'm experiencing all this new stuff with.  My family loves him (which is a great feeling). We have a cute little dog named Bugsy, we spoil him rotten...he's like having a 3rd person in the house half the time.

So that's the big life update. I don't think I've ever been this happy and relaxed in a relationship.  I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop or for some dramatic disaster to happen.  It just feels good to have a true partner, not just someone who is there for the moment.  For the first time in my life I feel like a real adult, not a kid in a grown up body. It's not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.

Another update is that today I decided to become a Partner in Hope.  I signed up to give a monthly donation to St. Jude's Children's hospital. I've had a nagging feeling for a long time that I need to become involved in something that is bigger than me and my personal world, but I didn't know where to start.  This morning on the drive to work one of the local radio stations was hosting a radiothon to raise money for the hospital and I was moved to donate.  I can't afford to give a lot, but I can afford to give what I used to spend on a monthly sample subscription.  If you want to become a Partner in Hope you can follow the link and help battle childhood cancer. If you can't afford to donate money, maybe you can find a cause that speaks to you and you can donate your time, and if you don't have time or money (hey we've all been there, no judgment) you can share links on how to help your cause of choice, maybe you'll inspire one of your friends to help out in any way they can.

"You Get What You Settle For" - Louise Sawyer, Thelma and Louise

I'm not a big fan of settling, I'm willing to wait for what I want most of the time... so when I see people I care about settling for less than what they want or deserve in relationships it truly baffles me.

Are you really too cheap to buy an electric blanket to warm your bed at night?

Why do so many men and women stay in unsatisfactory relationships with someone they're only dating?  I can understand trying to work things out if you're in it for the long haul, but why would you stay with someone who has made it abundantly clear (many times) that a) they aren't in love with you, b) wouldn't miss you if you were gone, c) doesn't see ANY kind of future with you.

Are you REALLY that masochistic? I know you can't be naive enough to believe that you can change someone's feelings just by waiting it out.

And for the person who allows the relationship to continue even though you don't want it... why?  Why do you want to waste your time, and someone else's?  Why do you want to tease someone who you know is crazy in love with you when you know you'll never return the feelings?

Are you REALLY that sadistic? I've seen you be so much better than this, why are you hurting someone on purpose, because you are.  You know that your actions (or inaction) and your lack of feelings are hurting this person, but you haven't been firm in telling them to pack their bags.  Are you lazy? Or just that emotionally bankrupt that having anyone (even if it's the wrong one) love you is better that being single (even if you don't love them)?

None of this is okay.  Breaking up can be hard, painful, and ugly... but you know what is worse? Wasting years of your life with someone that you don't care about or who doesn't care about you.

Dr. Frankenstein's Boyfriend

I realize I've been posting some fairly serious stuff lately.  I thought it might be time to blog about something fun and light-hearted.

I was talking about relationships with some friends the other day, and I realized that while even though none of my past relationships have worked out, they all have a special place in my heart, even if the men are no longer in my life.  I thought it might be fun to take a walk down memory lane and talk about my favorite qualities about the relationships that have made the biggest impact on my life.  Names have been omitted and have been replaced with semi-identifying nicknames.

The Texan:  This one was my first love, he was someone I could talk to about anything, for hours, he understood me in a way I’m not sure anyone has before or since.  We had more than our share of problems, and in the end we were so wrong for each other that I’m not sure why we ever fell in love.  He taught me what it was like to think of someone else first, how to include someone else in my plans.  He had magical hands, was artistic, passionate, and had a voice that could make me melt with a simple hello.

The North County Cowboy:  This was the shortest relationship on the list, we only lasted a month, but everything happened so fast and the feelings were real.  He loved animals like no man I have ever dated (don’t be gross, he didn't love his pets).  He was also probably the best looking boyfriend I've had.  I introduced him to my friends and family much sooner than I normally would, it was so strange how everything moved in fast-forward, but felt completely normal and natural, from the night I met him, I felt like I had known him forever.

The College Boy:  I can’t help but look back on these days and smile.  Yes, there were plenty of reasons why we weren't meant for the long haul, but so many reasons why we were so great in the short run.  We liked the same movies, loved weekend road trips, the same football team, similar music, and he inspired me to be better at the things I love (writing and photography for example).  We took things slower than usual, and it made every milestone feel important and special.  He taught me what it was like to be in a mostly functional relationship.  He was also the first educated man I've been involved with, and it’s amazing to be able to share similar experiences with someone who gets it.

The Golf Pro: This man.  I’m not sure where to even start.  This relationship blew up in my face like an Elmer Fudd cartoon during “Wabbit Season,” and yet, it still served a purpose, there are still good things to say.  He had a way of helping me turn off the world and everything that was stressing me out, for awhile he was my favorite drug, and looking back, probably the most toxic.  We got together not long after I lost my younger brother, got let go from my job, started a new career, and was butting heads with one of my closest friends.  He was my eye of the storm, my escape hatch, and the ladder out of the deep end of the pool.  We started out as friends and he introduced me to new music, movies I never thought I’d watch, and showed me all the wrong ways to be in a relationship, so that when I find the real thing, I’ll know it.

The Musician:  He was so passionate, twisted, talented, scared, emotionally stunted, caring, confused, manipulative, hilarious, and infuriating… and I never felt the need to change him.  He drove me crazy, pushed me to try harder, even inspired me to get my own guitar so that he could teach me to play it.  He taught me that people will be who they are whether I like it or not.  That I can’t change someone who doesn't want to be changed, I can’t make someone be a grown up if they’re stuck in never land.  That even if you’re great as friends, it doesn't mean that you’ll be great loves.  He opened my eyes to things I didn't want to see.  He taught me to be strong, how to walk out of a room with my head held high, he taught be that sometimes you have to push the wrong person out of the door, so the right one can walk in.  I know it sounds like these are negative things to pull from a relationship, and in the moment they absolutely were, but they made me stronger.  They made me less likely to put up with bullshit.  They didn't turn me into my frosty alter ego, but the experience has made me more cautious of suspect behavior, and more appreciative of people who are genuine.

This post kind of took an unexpected turn on me, it was supposed to be funny and light, and it turned into a love letter, and an affirmation that I still believe in the good in people (even when they've shown me their worst sides), but I'm okay with that.

All of these men were intelligent, whether they learned their lessons from books, the streets, by events that life had thrown in their direction.  They all made me laugh and some of them have held me when I've cried.  They opened my world up to new experiences that I wouldn't trade for an easier road to follow.  I feel like if I could take the best parts of all of them and could Dr. Frankenstein them into one man, I’d be pretty close to perfect.  He’d be tall, have dark hair, light eyes, a voice that could melt ice, could play the guitar like a rock god, loves animals, educated, funny, inspiring, encouraging, someone who listens as well as tells stories, has a sense of adventure, doesn't make too much fun of my taste in music, someone who wants to share new things with me, someone I can introduce to my family…. Doesn't sound too bad does it? 

Deserving.

I read an article this morning written by a man who asserts that American women as a whole are undeserving of a "good man" because we're all one or a combination of the following: whores, gold diggers, alcoholics, we over share, we hate men, we are selfish, we cheat, we lie, we are unable to make up for past mistakes, we need to be the constant center of attention, we're jealous, petty, sluts who give it up too easily, or cold bitches who "friendzone" too quickly.

There were mixed reactions to this article (and I wish I could find it to link it). Men saying "YES!! I've been saying this for years, I finally feel validated," women saying, "Okay, I see where this is going, but I'M not like those girls," my reaction? Well I think it was too long to post in a thread.

My first reaction is that this guy must have had a long stream of bad relationships with women who weren't that into him. I find a lot of the time the self professed "Nice Guy" is anything but... just like the self professed "Sexy Chick."  If you have to announce it, if your words and deeds aren't enough, then it probably isn't true. This Nice Guy wants the "perfect woman" but admits that he's dated married women and is SHOCKED that they cheat. Maybe you shouldn't pick up on people you know are in relationships if you don't want to be involved with a cheater?

My second reaction is that while there are plenty of women who fit some or all of those descriptors above at some point in their lives, by no means are ALL women like that all of the time, and none of those negative qualities listed are gender exclusive. There are men who are all or some of those as well.  I know, I've dated some of them... BUT that doesn't mean that I believe all American men are undeserving of quality women...nor would I imply that quality men do not exist.  Quality people are not unicorns.

People are flawed, they make mistakes, that doesn't mean they're irredeemable.  Your experience is not a universal experience, except in that EVERYONE has a bad days, bad weeks, shoot I know people who have had a bad couple of years... That doesn't mean it's always going to be that way, that humans are incapable of change or that we are all monsters all the time.

Being in a relationship takes hard work, every day work, it takes trust, respect, honesty, and sometimes making hard decisions instead of the easy road.  No one ever promised that being in love was going to be easy all the time.  Sure it can come as naturally as breathing, but even breathing can prove difficult at times.

I don't think that anyone deserves a fairy tale happy ending if they aren't someone who is willing to put the work in.  Nice Guy doesn't deserve Sexy Chick simply because he's attracted to her, just like Super Tramp doesn't deserve Knight in Shining Armor because she asked. Personalities have to mesh, interests shared, stories have to be told. If you can't handle someones past, you don't deserve to be in their future.

Unfinished Business...

Unfinished business, it's something that we have all experienced at some point in our lives, maybe you have something hanging over your head at the moment.

For me the way I've felt the best about completing the business, is to just let it go. If it was going to happen, it would have already, it would have been finished in the moment.  Chasing down your high school crush on social networks and maybe even rekindling a virtual friendship hasn't worked for me, and in that I have found that I can still care for someone, and not care about picking up where we left off.

We aren't the same people we were all those years ago, our interests, our passions, the core of who we are has grown up and grown farther apart than the miles that separate us. The awkward chats that were cute and endearing in our teens are just frustrating and unsatisfying at this point.

I can still be happy for you when you're happy, I can cry with you when you're sad, I can stand by your side as your friend, and not want to lie by your side in your bed.

Tell Me What You Want (what you really really want)

Spice girls jokes aside, I think that it's important to know what you want, what is reasonable, and what you're willing to give in relationships, any relationship for that matter, not just the romantic ones.  I think it's good to know where your lines in the sand are, your deal breakers and makers if you will.

I found an old journal from last year while I was cleaning house and there was a really great (patting myself on the back here) entry about what I wanted in a relationship. I've added to it since it's discovery and now I'm ready to share it with the world.

• I'm looking for a partner in life.  I'm not looking for a boss or to take over his mother's job of raising him.
• I want someone who can make me laugh, and understands that sometimes I just need to cry.
• I am looking for someone who makes me feel safe and loved no matter what environment we're in.  I want to trust that we can make it through any situation that is tossed in our direction as long as we're together.
• I need someone who is honest with me, someone who believes in us.  Someone who doesn't find monogamy unreasonable or too demanding.
• I want someone who encourages and inspires my dreams.  Someone who values what I bring to the table, who sees me as his equal and not just entertainment.
• I want someone to share adventures with, who isn't afraid to try new things and will be eager to broaden each other's horizons.
• I don't want to worry about whether or not he'll be able to hold his temper, his alcohol, or other harmful personality traits.  I don't want to clean up drunken vomit or have to slowly back out of a room because I'm scared.
• I want to feel like I belong when I'm with him and his people whether that be his family or his friends.
• I want him to be both intelligent and educated, and to not feel intellectually intimidated by my friends, but at the same time not be a snob about it.
• Ideally I'd like him to be able to look into my eyes and see beyond my "poker face" and know how certain situations make me uncomfortable and do his best to make it better.  I realize that will take more communication on my part.  I will have to learn to open up when something bothers me instead of insisting that it's "fine" when it's not.

This list is not saying that I want him to do all the work to accommodate me and my needs only.  I know that relationships take (some times hard) work, honesty, communication, and compromise.  I know that if I want someone to be supportive of my dreams and to vanquish my fears I have to pick up my sword and be just as willing to slay some dragons for him.  I need to occasionally take the backseat and put his needs first and help him lay his insecurities to rest.

I am experienced enough to know that at this stage in the game no one comes into a relationship without some scars on their hearts and minds.  People have an uncanny ability to heal and move on, but we do so with more caution than when we started out.  Sometimes that means we are extra careful in how we treat others, sometimes it means that we hold people at a distance until trust is gained.  Often times its a combination of the two with a few other unique coping mechanisms thrown in to keep things interesting.

I'm not the girl who stares out her office window waiting for flower delivery on Valentine's Day.  A dozen red roses doesn't prove that someone loves you, it proves that they have money to burn and know how to call a florist.  Cut flowers wither and die in stagnant water and end up dropping sad petals all over your desk within a few days.  Real love is every day, and while romantic gestures are nice (and appreciated) they don't guarantee love.  The boyfriend who always bought me thoughtful gifts every time he went out of town did so because he felt guilty because he was schtooping some other broad in Southern California while to told me his was visiting his parents.  The sweetest and most thoughtful birthday present I ever received from a lover came from someone who responded to an "I love you" with a "you're confused."  I'd rather have someone show their love by being honest, caring, and someone I can count on than celebrate a silly holiday once a year.

Tell me you love me every day, prove it with your actions, and I'll do the same for you.  Make me laugh, hold me when I cry, please be patient when I'm crazy, understand that when I give my heart to you that it wasn't given lightly or without thought.

Ex Photosynthesis

When you find yourself single, or not, and you're reflecting on the caliber of people you've dated in the past sometimes you find that you've wasted a lot of oxygen talking about someone who in the long run of your life, didn't matter a whole lot. Perhaps you regret how you treated someone, or maybe the person you dated was such a monster, their entire life appears to be a waste of oxygen... either way rain forests are being murdered with all the carbon dioxide we're creating talking, breathing about people who are no longer our significant others.

The Elitist and I were discussing this very thing the other night and we thought it would be an amazing business idea to create a company (perhaps a nonprofit charity, save the trees type thing) where you can plant a tree to replace the wasted breath you've spent on a particular insignificant other. My mind took brain storming to hurricane levels and I came up with some types of plants that could be planted. Break my heart? I'm breaking ground on a Vegetation Meditation Garden to get over you, and create cleaner air for future generations, who's winning now?

Anyway, without further ado, here are some samples of trees that can be planted in honor of wasted breath. Do your part and give back to the planet already.

• A Healthier Way to Pine
• Hive-y Ivy
• Don't Bitch, Birch
• Shrubs for Flubs
• Leaves for the Left Behind
• Feeling Grappling Sapling
• Stop Being a Crab Apple
• ExMas Trees
• No More Weeping Willows
• Talk to the Palm
• You're Coconuts!
• What a Dogwood

As you can see, I'm highly amused by puns, feel free to add you're own in the comments section... or if you'd like to start a kickstarter to get this going for real, I'll let you have the idea for a small percentage of sales. 

Single isn't a Terminal Disease

I realized that this is going to be my 150th post, and I thought I should make it one that matters, something beyond pretty pictures and funny stories.  Beauty and laughter are important elements of life, but there are other things to explore as well.

Hello, my name is Lauren, I'm 32 years old, and currently not in a serious relationship.  I have no desire to sign up for any online dating services, be set up on any blind dates, or hang out in dimly lit bars to meet Mr. Right.  I don't hate men by any means, but I do not feel the need to define my life by one.

I am someone who is comfortable in her own skin.  I don’t need to be a half of a couple to be whole.  While I thoroughly enjoy being in a relationship, I also value my independence, and while I can thrive in the company of others I’m not fearful of solitude.

I’m tired of feeling that I should be sorry I didn’t get married and start a family immediately after graduation (high school or college, take your pick), and I don’t want to disparage those who chose that route, but it wasn't the road I wanted to travel.  I haven’t dated the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, let alone someone I’d want to raise children with.  That’s not to say I didn’t love some of the men I've been with, that some won’t always occupy a tiny space in my heart, but there is a reason why they are all ex-boyfriends, in the end we weren't compatible for the long run.  For me I’d rather find that out while dating, than after getting married.

I believe in true love, I believe in forever, and I believe in not settling because you’re scared of being alone.  I believe in being content with your own company, in finding great friends who will stand by your side throughout the trials and tests of time.  I believe in putting good thoughts and deeds out into the universe and that they will be repaid in time, but that often times the rewards are in the deeds themselves. 

Being single has given me the opportunity to find things that challenge me and expand my mind.  I've rediscovered a love affair with my camera and taking photos of local landscapes, it reminds me of what a beautiful part of the world I’m lucky to live in.  I have time to write without feeling rushed or like I’m being selfish with my time when I just want to be lost in my words.  I can read a book without having to hear sports in the background.  I don’t have to divide my time between the people I love and the people I tolerate because the person I love loves them.  Maybe that’s selfish or self centered, but I think it makes me a more balanced person and adds to the list of life’s experiences more than it subtracts.  I don't think you can really know someone unless you really know yourself.  How can you know yourself if you've never spent real time in your own company?

I have friends and family members that are completely baffled by me not being panicked about being single and in my 30s, and I’m equally baffled that they would rather be miserable in dysfunctional relationships than get to know themselves without their partners.  I’d rather take a hot shower, read a good book, and drift off to sleep alone than to feel the coldness of emotional distance from someone that wasn't right for me even if he was right next to me.  Sleeping alone is better than sleeping lonely with someone.

I know when I find someone to share my journey with he will be someone who values my intelligence and independence.  He will be someone who is content to travel beside me as my equal, not in front of me dragging me down his path, nor behind me being pulled down mine.  I’m not in a hurry to find him, we’ll discover each other when the time is right, whether that be tomorrow or sometime in the more distant future, maybe he’s someone I know or is a complete stranger, I don’t know what is in the cards, but I do know that I’m okay with being single.

Being in a relationship is a great feeling, but if you aren't able to appreciate yourself for you who are, no one else will either.  You don’t need to have a significant other to be significant.

High Fructose Corn Syrup

This post isn't what you think it is... this isn't a health blog, I'm not railing against the obesity epidemic or GMOs... nope, I'm just talking about guilty pleasures.

In one of my many hot tub epiphanies I discovered that some men are a lot like high fructose corn syrup... stay with me here friends... let me explain.

1. They're harmless in small doses
2. They're deceptively sweet and the more you have them the more you want them.
3. In high doses they're absolutely toxic.
4. You want them when they're gone, even though you know they're bad for you.
5. The memories you made with them always make you smile (you know you have memories of eating super sweet popsicles as a kid and running around with a Technicolor mustache... it's the same idea)

Sound familiar?

These guys are often short lived flings, you part on good terms and wish each other well when you inevitably move on, but they always hold a special little corner of your heart and mind.

They're part of growing up, learning what you like or don't like (ew green popsicles), and making memories that will last a lifetime. We should be unapologetic about our love affairs with HFCS, but try not to make them a habit, because in the long run they're all filler and no real substance.

For Your Sisters, Your Daughters, Your Friends, and most of all for You.

I read an article/letter online last night that really sparked my need to write. It inspired me in a way
that I haven't been inspired in a long time.

The letter itself was a sweet gesture from a concerned father of a young girl. He didn't like how the media and society in general put so much pressure on women to "keep a man interested" whether it be through is stomach or other nearby organs. While I applaud this man on encouraging his daughter to find a man who is genuinely interested in HER and not just what she can do for him, I'd like to take it one step further.

I want to teach young women of the world to be strong, independent, and to determine their worth by their actions and intelligence, rather than teaching them that they are only as worthy as the man who takes care of them.

Teach them how to work for their wants and desires instead of telling them to "find a rich husband" to buy them presents. Teach them that their dreams are within their grasp if they are willing to put in the effort. They should find a partner if/when they want one, but not just as a financial support system.

Teach girls from early ages that education is important, that it's something to be valued, and something that will get them farther in life than perfect hair or a lipstick smile. That beauty may fade but intelligence doesn't as long as you keep feeding your mind.

I want young women to know that they are equals not only to each other but also their young men counterparts. That they should strive to find partners in life, not just replacements for their parents.  How about not being on the hunt for Mr. or Ms. Right, but being confident and comfortable in their own company. That while sharing their lives with someone can be wonderful, you should never define yourself by who your significant other is.

If you do find that special someone to share your life with, the attributes the dad lists in his letter are important, and I don't disagree with him, but I feel like there is so much pressure to find a "soul mate" that many people would rather be miserable in a relationship than be single.

Single doesn't have to be scary or a sign of failure or even permanent. However it is often how you get to know yourself.

This One Is For the Girls

Queue Martina McBride's girl anthem at any time...

If you're a regular here at Adventures you'll notice that I've tackled this subject a few times, in my first blog, in my subsequent Girl Blog posts 1 & 2, and my rants about being treated like an object, and there are more than just the ones I've linked here. Some might think that I'm repeating myself, or maybe call me a self indulgent feminist, or a ball busting frigid bitch. I don't know... I don't particularly care. I will continue to post what is in my heart and mind until the world has changed for the better, so as long as we coast along the status quo prepare yourselves for a loud, opinionated, independent woman. Consider yourselves duly warned.

 

Lessons for the New Generation of Women

• Learn to love and respect yourselves, because no one else will if you don't. If you allow others to walk all over you they will. It isn't always easy to be strong and to stand up for yourselves, but it is worth the fight.
• Be independent. This doesn't mean you shouldn't have someone helping you carry the load some times. Relationships are fantastic when they're healthy, but you should never depend on someone for your survival. Get an education, learn how to balance your checkbook, be able to cook your own meals, and pay your own bills. Forever isn't guaranteed and if that person you depended suddenly isn't there anymore it'll be easier to pick up the pieces and move on if you already have the skill sets in place.
• Be an active participant in life. If something bothers you speak out against it. If something speaks to your heart and inspires you, be vocal for it. Don't let things pass you by because you don't think you can make a difference, you'll be surprised at the sound one tiny voice can make.
• Love your sisters, and not just the biological ones. I know I've written about this before, and I probably will again, but when life gets you down there is no one in life that has your back more than a good girlfriend. She understands the emotions you're dealing with and how sometimes you just need someone to sit next to you to feel better. She understands the need for silence as much as the need to scream. Men can be fantastic support systems for the women they love, but they don't always understand that it takes more than a minute to be okay and that sometimes you have to cry and be angry before you get back to being your normal self. Your girls will understand because they have been there.
• Don't let your dreams be trampled on. So many times I see woman give up things that they love for other's hopes and dreams... or even worse because they feel their dreams aren't logical.  Maybe your dream was to be the next American Idol, but you can't carry a tune in a bucket...that doesn't mean you should stop singing all together. Sing your heart out whenever you get the chance. Maybe you wanted to be an artist, but your work isn't selling and you need to pay the bills, so go get that job that will keep your bank account in the black, but make sure you have the time to create, even if it's just for yourself. I think we've all gotten lost from time to time, but if you don't figure out some sort of outlet to make yourself happy and content you'll just be filled with resentment and that's no way to live life.
• Don't be afraid of your mistakes. Nothing teaches you how to grow and be better than falling down a few times. Every scar has it's own story, you can choose to heal or to pick at the scabs and bleed forever. Failing builds more character than winning, and it's best to learn early in life how to deal with sadness and defeat than to have life kick you in the teeth as an adult and to not know how to deal.
• Develop a good poker face and never let your enemies see you sweat. This world is tough, you have to be tougher. I'm not saying emotions are bad and should be hidden, but sometimes reading a situation and thinking about your reaction can help you out more than a spontaneous outburst.
• It's not shameful to ask for help. This doesn't counter my independence stance at all, it's impossible to do everything and to please everyone. There are occasions where you need to  call in for back up, to delegate, and to take off your superwoman cape and to let someone else save the day. This doesn't mean you're weak or incapable, just that you're strong and smart enough to know when to say "enough is enough."
• Define yourself.... even if you haven't figured life out yet. Be comfortable in your own skin, it's the only one you're ever going to get. If you don't want people to think of you as a "mean girl" don't be a mean girl. You don't want to be seen as a doormat? Don't let people walk all over you. It's not always as easy as that, but if you want to be perceived (or don't want to be) as a certain type of person you have to figure out a way to become that person.
• Check your baggage at the door. This is super hard, not even going to try to deny it, but if you don't let the new people in your life speak for themselves and are constantly comparing them to people of your past (good or bad) you'll never get to really know the person standing in front of you.
• No one is entitled to anything. Ever. Grow up, get a job and be responsible, just because you want something doesn't make it yours until you earn it. Same thing with people, just because you want someone (or they want you) you have to earn your place in their life (or they have to earn a place in yours). It isn't hard to get that spot, be kind, be honest and trustworthy, be supportive when someone needs you, be a good friend.

The more I read through this I realize that it isn't just good advice and wishes for the girls growing up in today's society, but it's good for everyone. I realize that some of the bullet points are easier to follow than others, and you can't do all of them all the time, but as long as their in your thoughts and are things you strive for on a regular basis you'll become a strong individual.

I'll leave you with this today, there is no bigger insult than someone telling you that you're boring and forgettable. Make your mark and carve your name in the history of the world.

Fun Times... and not so Fun Times in February

• House sitting for mom: While my parents' went to visit family in Missouri (Misery) I stayed at their house and took care of Mr. Dog, I had all these plans of being productive (doing my taxes, laundry, taking photos) when really all I ended up doing is getting caught up to NCIS and sleeping...a lot. It was AMAZING. The girls came over Friday night for our "Friendaversery" and we had adult beverages in the hot tub, watched TV and just relaxed. Such a great way to spend a weekend, the only thing I'd change is to have more food options available in the house.
• Superbowl: for the first time in the history of me being a football fan (this goes back 20+ years) this year was the first year I didn't care about the game, the outcome, the commercials, the halftime show, or the delicious snacks. I slept through most of the game, woke up in time to see Beyonce strut her stuff for a minute, caught some when I went out to dinner with my parents, and that's about it. I don't know what commercials were the "best" although the one I did catch was the Budweiser one with the pony that grew up and was still BFF's with his trainer... totally made me misty, except WHERE WAS THE DALMATIAN? When my dad asked why I wasn't excited I just told him "I don't have a horse in this race, I'm not invested," seriously the best part was when we were out to dinner and all the super fans were going nuts over the smallest things. One guy kept running laps around the bar (which was surprising child friendly) waving his red flag every time SF got their hands on the ball. Poor guy, they probably had to carry him out on a stretcher at the end of the game, I'm sure his heart was broken.
• Speaking of Superbowl Broken Hearts: This lead to an interesting/angering transition from a customer at work who thought that because I'm single, I'm automatically available to be his. Check out the post devoted to this close encounter, that I wish I would never have to repeat. It's not a wish that I expect to come true, I work in customer service, and am female, so while it doesn't happen often, it does happen. One of these days I hope that all men learn that being creepy isn't a turn on, and intimidating a woman isn't going to get her to like you. I don't believe that all men act this way, but it's a lesson that they should all learn as young boys. Maybe one day that vile behavior will be a thing of the past. Maybe. 
• Vertigo + Lab Work: This month it seems my body has decided it 51 instead of 31, I've been experiencing what the doctors think is benign postural vertigo due to fluid in my ears. Basically it means the room spins every time I move my head in a particular direction. I went in for lab work on the 9th, and per usual my veins were uncooperative and it took two phlebotomists and both arms to be able to find a vein that wouldn't roll or jump out of the way when poked with a needle. The ladies at Quest Diagnostics were very nice and professional, even when they were having difficulties with my troublesome veins. I'd recommend going there to anyone in need of lab work.
• Lab Results: I received my results on Valentine's Day, this could have ruined the fake holiday for me forever, however, everything turned out really well. I received a clean bill of health. Everything looks good, no warning signs for diabetes (there's a bit of it in the family history), no thyroid issues (again, family history), cholesterol looks healthy (just need to do a little work to raise the good levels, but the bad ones are in a healthy range), all in all I'm a healthy girl who should just exercise more and consume more fruits and veggies and stay away from Jack in the Box tacos and ultimate cheeseburgers... no surprises there. In the past couple months fast food has featured in my diet way more than I'm comfortable to admit anyway, so I think I can cut back on it and not miss it too much, even if those tacos dipped in ranch is one of my favorite guilty pleasures.

• Hair Cut: was postponed a week, but SO worth it. I let my amazing stylist do her thing and surprise me in the end with one of the best hair styles I have ever had. It's super short in the back (clipped @ a #4 if that means anything to you) and something like an A-line in the front. It has that retro/modern look in a way that would make Mod Queen Twiggy super jealous. The bulk of my hair that was cut off will be donated to Locks of Love once it's dry. I feel great with a new style, and I get to help a sick kid have hair, it's really a win:win situation. I decided to donate since my hair was so long and it met all the criteria for donating that it would be wasteful to leave it all on the salon floor. If the hair that I was going to cut off anyway has the ability to make someone happy and feel better about themselves then I'm happy to send it off.
• Valentine's Day: This year Valentine's Day was spent with the girls and getting back on The Walking Dead: Zombie Night train. We went to dinner at the Natural Cafe, did a little shopping at Target, then went back to one of the girl's apartment for champagne cocktails (booze soaked strawberries are amaaaaaaaaaazing), cheddar popcorn, and our weekly dose of Daryl Dixon. Feels good to be back to the routine. Since the show is only 45ish minutes long when the commercials aren't a factor we weren't ready to call it a night when the show ended so we followed it up with a viewing of the Mark Wahlberg comedy Ted. OMG if you haven't seen it yet, put it at the top of your Netflix queue and rent it STAT. We were laughing so hard that we were crying... better yet, just go out and buy it so that you can get all the extra features, it's well worth the price.
• House-sitting for My Aunt: I've house-sat for my aunt multiple times a year since I graduated from high school, her house is really my home away from home, I've spent so much time in that house, I'm surprised that I don't have a toothbrush that lives there. This was the first time I ever felt lonely there. I guess it's because the last time I had a gig there my ex was still my current and we spent a lot of time together in that house... over the summer that's where our relationship started, I was hanging out with all the boys we hung out with all summer and it really felt like something was missing. He was missing. I felt super awkward around his little brother, and I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. I know we're never (ever ever) getting back together (like ever), he was right, we're in different places in our lives and that's okay. Just because you know someone isn't right for you, doesn't make you miss them any less. The house sitting experience was pretty uneventful for the most part, there were no crazy parties this time around, the dog was in good spirits and didn't "play dead" on me again like she did a few years ago, and I got to enjoy having cable and a fireplace.  Apparently I spoke/typed too soon, I've been working on these updates as they happen so I don't leave out important details... and by saying the experience was "uneventful" I kicked myself in the ass, apparently I've pissed Karma off and she's out to get me. The Sunday of the gig, the Ex showed up. This was the first time I've seen/spoken to him since the break up, and it was just as terrible as I had imagined it would be. I cried enough to be embarrassed by it, he was the one who wanted to comfort me, which was so hard... I dumped my heart out on the living room floor and I'm pretty sure it's still there. It made the break up feel brand new. I told him that I didn't know how to be his friend and not his girlfriend, and he didn't seem to understand that. I told him that I missed him and thought about him everyday, and missed being able to talk to him... and he told me that he missed me too and didn't know why I felt I couldn't talk to him anymore. He wants to be friends, and I don't know how to look at him and not want him. He kept asking me if I was okay, and I kept telling him that I wasn't. I told him I was broken and I didn't know how to fix it. We were facing each other holding hands, noses less than a foot away from each other and all I could think is "how can we be so wrong for each other when we fit so well?" At one point he told me that it made him sad that I couldn't stop crying and in between tears I told him "I don't want you to be sad, I want you to be happy and successful and to have your perfect life" and his response was "you're going to have a great life too" which made me cry even harder. In fact the constant crying kept triggering the vertigo and my head would spin and he'd hold me until the room steadied itself. I couldn't tell if I was relieved if he was there to hold me, or if I was traumatized that I wasn't in control. We ended up cuddling on the couch like old times watching a movie until finally my heart couldn't take anymore and I decided it was time for bed and he left... it was the longest hardest goodbye I think I've ever experienced. Worse than leaving that Texas airport all those years ago. I didn't want to let go, I even told him that I didn't. I knew I had to, but couldn't bring myself to stop holding him close. I hate that I wasn't able to hold on to the "cool girl" facade and was vulnerable in front of him again... I hate that I had to try to be strong and hang out with the boys... I know that if I had just gone upstairs I would have always wondered "what if" but maybe I could have avoided embarrassing myself and crying myself to sleep. again. 
• Downton Abbey: This month I hopped on the Downton Abbey train along with everyone else who has been raving about the PBS show. My god, it's awesome. Maggie Smith steals the show in every episode, it's not hard to see why she's one of my all time favorite actors. I've never watched any thing she has starred in without walking away satisfied. I still have one disc left of season three and I'll be caught up with the rest of the world, but seriously, if you haven't seen the show you need to.
• Blog Hits/Posts: Hey readers, we met and surpassed 3,000 blog views this month, it blows my mind how many people are reading my little blog, and I'm very humbled by it all. I've already met one of my New Year's Resolutions and have posted more this year than last year... a couple more posts and I'll have posted more this year than all previous years combined. I think it has a lot to do with adding family recipes and the dream journal, but it does feel really good to write on a regular basis.

• Tax Return: I filed earlier this month and received my return... I felt super responsible this year with my return, I paid off my Gap and Victoria's Secret credit cards, bought my mom a birthday present... AND... I bought a new camera, I really struggled with this purchase, not because I didn't want one, I've been thinking of upgrading for months now. I just wasn't 100% sure what I wanted until I started talking to friends, and researching a little online, after a little advice, a little investment from the 'rents (it's payment for doggy sitting next month), and a click of a button I ordered a Nikon P510. I can't even contain my excitement, I think it's time to get back to my fairly regular photo adventures that I started a couple years ago. Nothing makes me smile more than taking beautiful photographs, and now I'll have more tools to do that.   
• Family Dinner with Friends: The last weekend of the month our weekly Family Dinner had a change of venue. Good friends invited us over for an epic Italian feast. It was a night filled with laughter, red wine, amazing food, and the kind of memories that will last a lifetime. It was really great to see someone that I've basically grown up with find his soul mate and see the love that is shared between him and his wife. I wish them all the best in their journey through life together.

Today

 

Weird feelings are beginning to be the new normal. Restless nights are back in full swing and bad dreams are more frequent than they have been in months. Even the great dreams leave a bad taste in my mouth because when I wake up the moment is lost.

Some days this break up is a lot harder than others, at least on the bad days I don't feel the need to share funny stories with him or I know that I should stay away from my stash of Will Ferrell movies (even though WF is my second language). On the good days I forget that he's not "Boyfriend" anymore and I can't want to share my exploits, or ask him if his day was as great at mine. Not every day is a constant struggle though, sometimes I manage to go hours on end without thinking about him, each day gets better, so I know that the future holds a day where I won't think about him, who he's with, or what he's doing at all. At least not in the terms of I wish he was doing all of it with me. I look forward to that day.

I look forward to the day when I can call him my friend and not want more. I feel like that day is much closer than I had originally anticipated.  I truly want good things to happen for him, I want him to succeed and to have an amazing life.  I bear no ill will toward him. I never have, even in the darkest hours of this break up I have never hated him. That's new for me.

I have to say this was the first important break up that I've gotten through without getting drunk or relying on sleep aids to get through the night. I guess this means a girl is growing up.  I did regress a little last week, or maybe the week before, I looked up the one who came before him, to see what the old guy was up to... surprising to say, to see that he was still with the one he left me for and that they look happy and in love didn't hurt my heart. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I was "happy" for him, but I'll say they look like they deserve each other. And you know what I can walk away without pangs in my heart and no bad thoughts. I don't wish him (or her for that matter) any harm or heartache, and I think that's enough. So yes, it was a step backwards to look over my shoulder at what I refer to as "Club Evil" (I was with him during a bad time in my life, and while I thought he was helping me, he was really taking advantage of my vulnerability, and I was naive enough to trust him) I wasn't pulled back in. I didn't stay in the shadows.  I was able to survive that, I will get through this too. This will make me stronger, and it will get me ready for the next journey.

Today, I promise myself that even though I'm going to have moments of sadness and loneliness I won't let it discourage me. I will not give up on the idea of love. I will find that someone who wants to be MY someone. Maybe he'll find me. It will not be my focus in life, but I know it's out there.

For now I'm going to work on healing my heart. For now I will do things that make me happy and fufull me. I will not rely on someone else to create my happiness.

Today I will live for me.

The Break Up

No this isn't going to be salacious, no I'm not going to air dirty laundry... if you're looking for gossip I suggest going to TMZ.com and to not waste your time here. I'm only posting it because it deserves to be recognized, but it doesn't really fit with my happy monthly wrap ups, because lets face it, this isn't a happy time for me.

Yes there are worse things that could have happened and that are happening in the world and that are happening closer to home, and maybe wallowing in self pity is a little indulgent and dramatic... but it hurts damn it, and he mattered, still matters, and it's only been since the 1st, I have the right to grieve over what was lost.



So to answer the questions:

• No it wasn't mutual
• Yes I was surprised (in the moment), although in hindsight there were red flags
• No I'm not angry
• No I don't have anything bad to say about him
• No I don't regret being his girlfriend or giving the relationship a chance
• Yes I think that eventually we can be friends again (even though it might take awhile)
• Yes I'll probably cry about it for a few more days/weeks
• No I'm not posting this for sympathy, to make anyone feel bad, and I'm not trying to be a martyr
• No I don't want you to beat him up
• Yes I realize that pain is temporary and that things will get better in time
• No there wasn't a big fight nor are there juicy details to share

Does that cover them all? If not, it's close enough.

I'm 31 years old, have been dating since I was 18, and this was the first functional relationship I've been in. This is the first time I've felt I could be "me" quirks and all with someone. He helped me work through a lot of issues I've had with the ghosts of boyfriends past, I could talk about my life, my past (it's not that sordid, but there are things that I haven't always been willing to share with other people that I was able to trust him with), he encouraged me to write and to take photos and to chase down the things that make me happy. He was the first guy I dated who was excited to meet my parents and that I wasn't nervous about making the introductions with. He listened when I talked and was sweet and thoughtful. When he made promises he followed through with them. He made me feel safe in a way that no one before him had been able to do.  We weren't together for a long amount of time, we only started dating in June and became "Facebook Official" in late August/early September, but he's one of the ones who have mattered the most....maybe THE ONE who mattered the most, and so I feel like I have to do what is best for him, even if that means he can't be mine anymore. I want him to be able to chase down his dreams to the best of his ability. I refuse to be someone who will hold him back.

I never told him that I loved him and I don't think it would have changed the outcome, except that it would have been harder, and it's the very reason why I have to let him go. I have to let him go. Every time I see it/hear/think that phrase it makes my eyes fill up with tears and my heart feel like it's in a vice grip, but I have to do it. I can't make someone be in a relationship with me if it's not right for him. He has his reasons, and they are valid ones that logically I can understand, emotionally is a completely different story my heart and brain are rarely on the same page. His reasons are the same ones that I've had to break up with someone that I've cared about. He's just not in a place in his life where it works for him. That's not a bad thing, it's not something he's doing to hurt me or manipulate me, its a timing thing. He's not being abusive or mean, he's just being honest...and it makes me want to stay in my PJ's under the covers in a dark room all day (not that I have that option, a girl has to pay the rent).

I know that things will get better. I know that I won't be sad forever. I know that I am loved and lovable...but right now in this moment it's hard to find the silver linings.

It's All About Closure; Isn't It

It's weird, lately I've been thinking a lot about an ex of mine.  Not in a "what if" sort of way, not in an "I miss him" sort of way, just a "his name crosses my mind" sort of way. I don't really care what he's up to or how he's feeling. I keep having dreams about saying goodbye over and over again, and every time I feel more settled, more at peace.

The other day I was going through some pictures to put together a photo album to commemorate the year, one of the best years of my life so far, and I found pictures of me and that certain someone... I immediately deleted them and felt nothing... and let me tell you, nothing was an amazing feeling. I finally felt in control, I finally felt in charge of my emotions, a way I never felt when I was involved with that person.

I don't know if this feeling of closure, or this lack of feeling comes with finally being in a functional relationship with someone who I know cares about me. Someone who encourages me to follow my dreams, someone who inspires me. Someone who makes me feel like I matter, someone who always is happy to spend time with me, someone who doesn't make me feel like I'm his back up plan when something better doesn't come along.

For the first time I feel like I can breathe. I'm not scared to be myself anymore, and suddenly I realize that THIS is what being in a healthy relationship is.

In saying goodbye to the one who broke my heart a year ago, I want to say thank you for saving me from myself when I was most destructive. Thank you for being my friend when I needed you. I'd like to think we served a purpose in each other's lives, and I'm ready to say goodbye and part as strangers. We don't need each other anymore, and that's okay. Sometimes people are meant to be in each other's lives for a lifetime and sometimes only for a season. So I'll be grateful for the good times, and let go of all the bad things.

To my new relationship. Thank you so much for showing me that it is possible to be in a healthy relationship. That it doesn't have to be stressful and scary. That I can sleep next to you and not worry about well anything. That we can laugh together, talk about important issues in our lives, or just be doing our own things and it's okay.

Life Lessons Shouldn't Come from Hollywood.

I just read an article, not sure which news source because there were too many and I opened a few articles, saying that it was bad for America if Rihanna and Chris Brown get back together. Ummm no. It's NOT bad for America, its bad for Rihanna.

They went on to say that whether she likes it or not she's a role model and is setting a bad precedent for young girls/women that its okay to forgive/forget/go back to your abuser. Maybe parents/teachers/friends/counselors/other family members of young girls/women should use this opportunity to talk to them about why this behavior is dangerous and sadly normal.

It's not a celebrity's job to raise your children, and while it might take a village, the largest life lessons are taught in your own hut. Teach your daughters to be strong, independent, and that they don't need no stinking man who thinks its okay to knock them around.

Teach your SONS and DAUGHTERS that a REAL MAN would never raise his hand in anger towards a woman. That a REAL MAN handles his anger and frustration without resorting to violence. Ladies, that isn't a lesson just for the men either, violence isn't the answer. Abuse is abuse regardless of which gender is the assailant. Teach your sons that no means no NO MATTER WHAT. Teach your children that they are responsible for their actions and reactions. They are not responsible for their abuser's behavior, and while they might eventually get to a place where they can forgive someone for hurting them, they should never forget.

Don't expect Rihanna to teach that lesson to your children, it's not a lesson she's learned yet.

Girl Blog: 2 of 3 Looking for a Few Good Men

I know initially my plan for my 3 part girl series was going to focus on the political issues surrounding being a woman in 2012, but I changed my mind. If you are interested in all the legislation surrounding vaginas as of late I urge you to check out UniteWomen.Org there is a lot of great information there and a lot of hard working women that are fighting the good fight to protect our rights as adults who are capable of making our own decisions about our bodies, lives, and families. Its not that I don't find the issues at hand extremely important, the evasiveness disturbing, and the unbalanced nature of health care coverages appalling, its just that I think that they can do a much better job of explaining everything without resorting to name calling than I can.

I have decided that since I had the rant about how hard it is to be a woman these days, I thought I'd try my hand at a counterpoint. Not necessarily a post about how "its equally hard to be a man" or "why are all the good ones taken" or "what the fuck has happened to the Y chromosome?" just some thoughts and ideas about the men of 2012, the good, the bad, and crazy.

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

A couple of weeks ago I went downtown to go dancing with some of my girlfriends, and looking around all the dance floors we invaded I couldn't help but wonder where all the "Guy's Guys" were.  Every boy we saw had a deep v-neck, over gelled hair, and a boy BFF to grind on.  I couldn't figure out if it was the last night of Pride, if all the men in town were overly in touch with their feminine sides, or if I was just finally too old to party in a college town. I remember leaning over to one of my friends and saying wistfully "Remember the days when men weren't so secure in their masculinity and would sit a seat apart at the movies and would lean up against the wall in a club until a girl that they wanted to dance with walked by? I miss those days." I know that sounds mean. I know. Its a double standard... Girls grind on each other all the time and its cute and fun, if I demand equal treatment from men, I should be prepared to grant them equal treatment. The thing is, if I was able to be attracted to someone who behaved just like me, I'd be checking out the skirts myself.

I read an article on Jezebel.com this morning that was about how we as a society need to redefine the term "manly" it was written in response to a NY Times article stating that men need to rediscover their inner Don Draper. I think they both have valid points and that they are both silly at the same time. Maybe we do need to redefine what it means to be manly, but defining it as a male who gets manicures/pedicures and his chest and eyebrows waxed isn't going to do it for me. Give me Paul Bunyan over Paulie D any day of the week. I like that the general hygiene of males has significantly evolved since cro-magnum days, but I don't want to share my make up remover with my lover. I want to feel safe and secure with my guy, I want to know that even though I can take care of myself, he wants to take care of me (I'll be loving and supportive of him, I want that in return). I like guys with calloused hands, who are gainfully employed, guys who will open the door for me, who respect me and my opinions (even if said opinions differ from theirs), laugh at awkward situations, are secure in their own skin, and don't need to be drunk to have a good time. The rest of the stuff is just details. Doesn't seem like a lot to ask for.

What I don't want is someone who lives on his parents' couch, who's never had a real job, and would rather get loaded than become a contributing member of society. I'm not in college anymore, that is no longer how I define what it takes to be a man. Pay your bills, show up to work on time, and have your own place (or at the very least have roommates that didn't participate in your conception). Also? Have a valid driver's license; DUIs aren't sexy. They don't make you look cool, they make you irresponsible. I'm not saying you have to drive a Ranger Rover, but you won't be impressing anyone if you roll up on a BMX.

I guess my best definition of what a man is to me is some who has outgrown his little boy stage, someone who loves his mama, but doesn't need her to cook him dinner every night.

Please Don't Accuse me of Emotional Terrorism
I had an ex years ago who would say mean things to me, make me cry, and then accuse me of using my tears to make him feel bad. He called me a manipulative emotional terrorist, because my reaction to his asshole behavior was to be vulnerable.

Emotions are not a bad thing. Be emotional, at least its real. Don't be a jerk and expect me not to react. If you're sad, stressed, upset, happy, whatever, let me know, don't be the King of Stoicism and think that I'll be able to read your mind and understand what you're going through. I'm not telepathic, but I want to be there for you, it's your job to decide if you're going to let me.

I'm Sorry if I'm Sending Mixed Messages
I know women say they want a man to be able to be vulnerable with them, but get weirded out if their man cries around them. It is a weird moment, but that doesn't mean it's bad. I'm glad that you trust me enough to let your guard down.

Just because I like kissing you, doesn't mean I'm ready to be naked friends with you. Kissing is fun and playful, but I might not be ready for the kind of emotional attachment that sex might bring. One does not necessarily lead to the other. I might not ever be ready to be naked with you just because I really like kissing you. It might not even be you're fault that I'm not ready for sex. The last person I was with hurt me pretty bad and I had rushed into sex with him before I knew where I stood and I'm a little gun shy. I understand that these are my issues and I shouldn't punish you for other men's sins, but it's still my body and my feelings and I don't know that I want to share them yet. You have the option to be patient with me, or you can walk, but please don't try to pressure me into having sex because you think I'm being a tease.

I know you're out there--you can't just exisit in my imagination, because what would be the purpose of having all these feelings if I can't share them. I guess it's just my turn to be patient.

I'll Get There When I'm Ready

I find myself often being a person that friends, family, and friends of friends or family turn to for advice. I'm really not sure why that is, especially when it comes to relationship advice seeing has how I have never been in a healthy stable relationship, but never the less I'm someone people turn to.

I am so honored that people trust me in that manner even if they don't know me that well. Maybe they find that I listen well and I try not to judge too harshly.

I'm starting to think that it's getting time to take my own relationship, or rather breaking up advice, and that is this: You'll let go when you're ready.

Yes I know it's all vague and zen, but it's true. The brain and the heart aren't always in agreement on when the appropriate time to let go of someone you loved is, eventually they will get on the same page and you will let go at that point.

My plan is to stop beating myself up over having feelings for someone longer than some ambiguous deadline that I've given myself. I know I don't want to be with that person anymore and any hope for reconciliation has long vanished, I know this person will never be what they once were to me and 99 out of 100 days I'm okay with that fact. However on that one day my heart takes over and makes me wistful for the fantasy of what could have been "if only"

Today was that one day. I spent all day on the verge of tears and my stomach all tied in knots and I was angry about it. So fucking angry. Why can't I stop feeling? How can you still hurt me even without doing anything? We haven't had any contact in 6 months and you haunt my dreams. It isn't fucking fair.

For whatever reason my heart isn't ready to let go. It will when it's ready.

Maybe it will take meeting someone new, maybe it will just take time to build up some scar tissue over the open wounds. I'm ready to start giving other people a chance, even if I get hurt again, I refuse to allow you to keep me running scared. I'm stronger than you ever gave me credit for.

Maybe I'm closer to ready than I thought, and even if I'm still straddling the fence I can keep my eyes on the horizon and know there are better days ahead.

SSFW: A giggle inducing guide to life, sex, and stuff

This blog is sort of co-authored by The Elitist.She had this idea that she wanted to post a blog about all the things she's learned from men in the past 15 months and have it be really silly and fun... I started texting her funny lessons I've learned dating in the past decade and she decided that maybe I should post the blog myself. 

So in no particular order, and by no particular order, I will list the following lessons by bullet point. Feel free to guess who said what and it might be a good idea to not have a beverage while reading. There were a few other contributors to the list and if you have any to add feel free to add them to the comment section. There is always room for more giggles. If you want a more serious list of the dating lessons I've learned over the years check out my blog about Loving Mr. Wrong  or being In Love With Love Apparently I write about relationships... but really what is life about if not relationships. They don't all have to be romantic, but human interaction is what we do.

Time to stop feeling philosophical and start making the list...

• I was introduced to medium rare steak, bread and butter pickles, and diet dr. pepper, those were the best things I can take from that relationship
• Always were a pony tail (for those with long hair) during kinky sex or you'll never get the tangles out.
• Semen in the eye stings like a mother fucker, but can be an effective hair gel if you run out.
• OMG cum in your eye will leave you with a red eye for three days and will ruin your contact
• If you have high intakes of wasabi and garlic in your diet, that's what your spunk will taste like and she'll never swallow again
• Or let you cum in her mouth again
• Shaved balls are gross
• If the rest of your body is hairy, do not shave your balls, it's alarming
• Gatorade immediately after a bender will help make the hangover more manageable the next day.
• Please refrain from using cutesy nicknames on the second date, wait until we're in a relationship, and even then be careful some are just cringe worthy.
• Don't forget to break up with your significant other/roommate before bringing new dates home, the outcome will be less than stellar.
• Change your sheets between bed buddies, no one appreciates souvenirs from previous guests 
• Never tell someone you're sleeping with that you love them... like a sibling
• No one wants to blow Swamp Thing, keep it clean friends.
• There is a right way and a wrong way to 69, him on top with swamp crotch = the wrong way
• Booty Call Rules are as Follows:
• if he calls after 10:59 its a booty call
• he needs to be single
• he can't meet your family
• he can come to your place
• he just needs to be single and hot!
• if your BC is your crush's bff don't expect your crush to ever be your BF
• its super hard to transition from a BC to a relationship... not saying it can't happen, but don't expect it to.
• If she's more interested in the cartoon going on in the background, you're probably doing it wrong
• Do not tell me you have a 24'' cock, because I will laugh at you and call you a liar. Its involuntary, really, when someone tells you something that ridiculous laughter is imminent.
• Ziploc is not an effective form of birth control
• If you're planning on breaking up with a girl, please don't take her on a super romantic vacation immediately before. It just makes goodbye that much harder and you kind of look douchey.
• Led Zepplin makes a perfect making out soundtrack
• Whiskey dick is NEVER appreciated.
• There is a right way and a wrong way to pull a girl's hair... if her reaction is a confused look or "ouch ouch that hurts!" you probably did it wrong.
• Sometimes the best sex is the kind that makes you burst out in uncontrollable laughing... no honey I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing because I'm having a good time.
• Fake boyfriends can never know that they are the fake boyfriend.
• You really shouldn't be proud that girls tell you "8 Second Ride" is your theme song, it doesn't mean what you think it means...
• You may think having long hair is sexy, but seeing as how it always doubles as something to grab onto, I'm always in some sort of a back-bend. No wonder I end up having sex on my head so often. Its like a permanent yoga session in my bedroom.