Stay Stay Stay

Dear Friend,

I heard a rumor that you're struggling.  That you're having a hard time hanging on and that you've been thinking that maybe we're all better off without you.

You're wrong.

Hearts heal, and our minds lie to even the best of us.  You need to give yourself the time to sort things out.  The only way to not let time work its magic is if you cut yourself short, so please don't.

The world is a brighter better place with you in it.  Your talent, your intelligence, they're things that need to be shared with the world, and if not the whole wide world, the tiny one here in our community.  Your loss would be greatly felt.  You might feel like an insignificant pebble on the beach sometimes, but if you drop that pebble into a pond it's ripples go on and on and on.

I know that life can feel impossibly hard sometimes, and that the light at the end of the tunnel is often tiny and flickering, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.  Not to sound trite, but things DO get better. It won't be easy, all the best things require work.  Life will never be absolutely perfect, but that only gives you the opportunity to find the beauty in it's imperfections.  There is no magic greater than our ability to adapt and grow, even in shadows.

I feel like we can learn more from failures than successes, we have to teach ourselves how to be better, and our only real competition is the person staring back at us in the mirrors.  You don't have to be better than the person next to you, you have to be better than you were yesterday.

Find an outlet that isn't self destructive, whether that be art, helping others, exploring the world around you, read a book, lose yourself in a movie you've never watched before, spend some time in the great outdoors just watching the world spin around you, look for shapes in the clouds, whatever it takes to calm the voices in your head.

I know you may not be ready to read this, or that it might sound like someone who has no idea what you're going through is just throwing a lot of cliches in your face, but I've treaded shark infested waters myself and was able to swim to shore.  I just want you to know you have someone on your side ready to throw you a life jacket when you feel like you're going under.

You are loved, you are important, the world needs you.

Please stay.

Lauren

Running on Empty

Some days it seems like the whole world is running on fumes, our tempers are short, our patience nearly non-existent, and we're all looking for that fuel to fill our souls.

Some eat their feelings (guilty as charged), some choose a more healthy route and sweat out the stress, some take it out on their wallets, others might blow off steam by dumping it on someone else, and sadly some find the need to chase the high and try to find peace by masking their pain in dangerous addictions.

I've been trying to find the words for months, long before Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Cory Monteith overdosed.  To say I don’t understand why or how they did this to themselves is an understatement, but not a judgment.  I do understand that depression and addiction know no income bracket, career success, education level, skin color, or national origin, and they don't discriminate.  There isn't some magical formula to decide who will be able to manage their depression in self destructive ways or who will channel it into more healthy outlets.

I'm not going to lie or pretend that it doesn't scare me to see someone I care about battle with their inner demons; it’s hard to watch someone you love be lost.  It’s hard to know that all you can do is be there for them, sometimes it’s hard to WANT to be there for them, because you don’t trust them not to hurt you in the process of hurting themselves. 

I dated a guy once upon a time who was clinically depressed, and when he was on his meds and was gainfully employed, he was a caring, generous, empathetic, awesome man… when he was off his medication, he was a different person entirely, he would be mean just for the sake of being mean, he would disappear for days at a time, and would go so far off the grid that there were times I called his parents to make sure he was still alive.  It’s not easy to love someone like that; it’s an effort you have to make every single day.  You also have to find a way to keep from circling the drain yourself.  In the end, we weren't right for each other and we went our separate ways; but not without leaving some emotional scars behind.

I've learned from other experiences that you can't force anyone to change in ways that they aren't ready for.  It doesn't matter how often you offer to help them, or scold them for making bad choices, they have to reach the decision to climb out of the darkness on their own. 

It's hard to be understanding, it's hard to not be judgmental, it might be impossible to put yourself in their shoes to see exactly what someone else is going through. I know I've sat in judgment of those around me who have struggled with addictive behaviors.  I've asked the questions "Why would s/he do this? They seem to have everything, they have no excuse to not be happy. Why are they so weak to turn to something that they know is bad for them? Didn't their parents pay enough attention to them? Maybe if they hadn't been given everything they wouldn't be seeking this never ending high. Don't they know they're hurting everyone around them? How can they be so selfish?" The truth is none of those questions are helpful, none of the answers change the fact that someone is hurting, and all they do is further traumatize the ones who love the addict, and make the person who is using feel more alienated.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t know when you should stick around and love someone through the pain, or when you should cut them off and save yourself.  Maybe there isn’t an answer, maybe it’s somewhere between, maybe it depends on your relationship with the person and their willingness to get the help they need.  It’s easy and common to be frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad, defeated, guilt, and so much more when you are on the sidelines of someone’s destruction, that’s why there are so many support groups for not only the addicts, but for their loved ones.  Please if you need help, or someone you love does, know that you are valuable, you are needed, you are loved, you are important, and can be stronger than the false ties that bind you in the shadows.

Alcoholics Anonymous
Narcotics Anonymous
Suicide Prevention Hotline
Al Anon, for families of alcoholics
Narc Anon, for the families of drug addicts
for the families of addicts

Always Look For The Silver Linings

I would like to start this out with a disclaimer.  I do not have any kind of professional or educational background in counseling or psychology.  All of the following advice or suggestions are just from my personal experiences and those experiences of people I know personally.  They are my opinions, feelings, and should be taken as that.

I’ve noticed that a couple friends of mine are having a hard time emotionally as of late, and while I won’t name names or divulge details, I’ll just say it seems their self esteem and views on life seem to be shaken.  I’ve heard that the Holidays can be unnerving for some and downright depressing for others, not everyone’s days are merry and bright this time of year, and I’d like to take the time to tell them that while you may be experiencing heavy storms on the relationship front or maybe other aspects of life (family, work, arguments with friends, loss of loved ones, etc.) this journey will not always be in the Forest of Endless Night, there will be sunshine, I promise.  I can’t tell you when day will break; it comes at different times for everyone, BUT IT WILL COME.  

For those of you, who have lost a loved one, whether to death or a change of heart, please remember your healing process is not on some arbitrary timeline.  Yes, your friends might tire of hearing about your loss, but that doesn’t mean your feelings are any less important or that you should speed your recovery. Take the time to get better instead of burying everything below the surface, because tossing dirt on a problem isn’t going to solve it, emotional issues have the strangest way of unearthing themselves at the most inopportune moments.  Grieving is different for everyone, so what might work for me may not work for you, the trick is to find what works for you and to go after it.

This morning I was texting a friend of mine to cheer her up and I offered up this piece of wisdom, now keep in mind that it’s intent was to make her laugh, but it still rings true.  “You have to protect you first. You’re never going to survive the zombies otherwise.”  Apocalypse jokes aside what I have found when dealing with loss (whether it be a friend or lover or the heartbreaking hybrid) the best thing you can do to get over it is to work on making yourself a better person for YOU, not to get that person back or to get back at them, but so that you can feel good about who you are again.  By protecting yourself I’m talking about not allowing those mean voices in your head to beat you up with a million “what ifs” or “if only I had {insert your personal method of self torture here}” remind yourself of all the things you love about yourself and work on fixing the things that could use some work.  Focus on the silver linings, even if they’re really thin… and if you having a hard time seeing them do not be afraid to ask someone who loves you to point them out for you.  I remember while going through some pretty awful break ups for every one thing I could think of that I missed about my ex, my girlfriends could list 10 reasons why they were grateful I was no longer in such an unhealthy situation.  Silver linings are so important, they are a big reason why I started my “Monthly Wrap Ups” on this blog, they remind me that even in the middle of a personal crisis a bad day doesn’t mean I have a bad life.  I have more things in my life to be grateful for than to be depressed by current setbacks.  It reminds me that depression lies.  It reminds me that even if things are bad now, they will be good again.

Not too long ago (almost two years ago, time seems to fly by a lot faster the older I get) I was feeling somewhat lost and lonely.  I decided the best way to combat those feelings was to embrace them and call the loneliness independence.  I was able to prove to myself that I could enjoy my own company and I could create my own adventures.  I started a photo journal of sorts on Facebook that I titled “Finding My Bliss” and set out on a journey to take day trips and to photograph the process.  I learned things about myself and how to take some really cool pictures.  I’m by no means a professional photographer, nor is that even one of my dreams, but I am someone who likes to create pretty images whether it is through the lens of a camera or with a paintbrush and an arsenal of watercolor paints.  I found that being on the road alone relaxed me and gave me a time and place to think about what was going on in my life, and how incredibly lucky I am to live where I do, and to have the ability to just get in my car and go wherever the road may lead.  It taught me that while it is an incredible feeling to have that someone special to share your life with, you can also make some pretty amazing memories while you’re single.

For my friends who’s self esteem has taken a hit recently, I can say all the words in the world (and I mean them from the bottom of my heart) but I know that it is up to you to believe them for them to matter.  I will never stop telling you how important you are, how beautiful you are, how intelligent, and how anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives.  How anyone who doesn’t see how amazing you are clearly is stupid and doesn't deserve you.  But until you believe it yourself, they are just words.  You have to be able to look in the mirror and see the awesome for yourself.  It’s in there, I promise.  I wouldn’t make time for you in my life if you weren’t special.

This post is in no way meant to trivialize anyone’s pain, but only to remind you that it is temporary.  Work through the darkness even when it seems endless.  Find joy in the little things, because it’s often the smallest things that mean the most.  Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and don’t be afraid to cut out the ones who weigh you down (even when it’s scary to say goodbye).  Don’t worry about what other people think about how long it’s taking you to heal.  Get better on your own schedule, I’m not suggesting that you wallow in pain forever, but as long as you are actively trying to get better realize that there will be good days and bad days, there will be giant leaps forward and there will be setbacks, that is normal.  Just try not to let your pain define you.  You are better than that, and if all else fails dance it out.

Every Storm Runs Out Of Rain

Don't You Know You're Beautiful


Finding Light in the Darkness

So I have all these notes saved in various emails I’ve sent to myself for topics for blogs that I want to write.  While they might be controversial and spark discussions there must be a reason why they’re figuratively gathering dust in cyber-land.  Mostly I think that while I find them interesting, they aren’t inspiring. Tonight I want to write inspired.

I’ve wanted to write for so long, and I haven’t found the words.  I think I’ve been too caught up in my own head about what a “good idea” is and what people want to read…as if I’m already a viral blogger followed by thousands instead of maybe a dozen on a good day.  What I’m forgetting is that these words are for me, they’re what I need to say, not necessarily what needs to be read.

The blog ideas that I have saved and that are continuing to wait to be written about are rants about things I find wrong in our society and the idealized solutions I would have for them if I ruled the world.  No matter how much I might complain on a regular basis I am at heart an optimist, I want to believe the best in people and I want to see that silver lining in every storm cloud.  I want to see the rainbow after a hurricane.

I read a blog article today by Jenny Lawson (more famously known as The Bloggess and if you don't follow www.thebloggess.com you're really missing out).  Anyway she wrote a deeply personal article about her on-going war with depression and her triumphant victory over this particular battle.  It was beautiful, moving, and so incredibly relatable.  I may not have ever been as deep in the cave as she’s been, but I’ve experienced the darkness.  I’ve had plenty of anxiety attacks that strike out of nowhere, and will leave me a puddle of shivering sobbing raw emotion; it’s not a fun place to be.  I’ve watched people I love spiral into the abyss out where the life rings don’t reach and yet I know that I’m lucky.  I have an amazing group of friends who will walk through fire and darkness to pull me out even if means dragging me by the roots of my hair.

There have been times when I’ve been scared to tell them what I’m going through because I don’t know if they’ll understand or if they’ll judge me for making what they think are bad or dangerous choices.  What I do know is that they love me and most of the time I’m able to get over the fear eventually because in my heart I know there are no boundaries to our friendship and they’ll love me through whatever is troubling me, even if the love comes with a lecture.  Or sometimes instead of making me talk out my problems, they’ll just offer an escape.  Sometimes just sitting on the couch watching a movie I’ve seen a hundred times with someone who gets me is enough to make all the bad stuff go away.  Blake Shelton sings this great love song called “God Gave Me You” and I have to say that song fits how I feel about my friends more that it has ever fit any romantic relationship I’ve ever been in.  A great line from the song is “…For when I think I lost my way, there are no words here left to say, it’s true, God gave me you…” This couldn’t speak for my heart any more honestly.  When I lose my way my friends and family are the ones who act like lighthouses guiding me back to shore… and if my friends are the lighthouse, my family must be the tugboat.

My brother means the world to me, I’m not sure there’s anyone closer to me right now.  He knows what’s going on in my life almost as soon as I do.  Even when he disappoints me he’s one of the first people I turn to in a crisis.  When my heart got broken and all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry all day, he crawled in next to me and held me until the tears stopped.  He listened when I told him what had happened and was honest with me about his view on the situation.  He made me laugh when I felt like I could never be happy again, and made me feel important when I felt insignificant.  When we were kids I never would have believed that we would have a relationship like this, we could barely get along when we lived together, now I get mad at him if we don’t see each other at least once a week.

My cousin is probably the one person in the world that I can tell her anything and not shock her in anyway.  Anything I’m feeling, she’s felt it, any romance drama I’ve gone through, she’s done it.  She’s gone through all the same family stuff I’ve gone through and I don’t even need words to communicate with her…but she scares me because she spends a lot more time in the dark waters than I do.  She’s been through a lot in her short life and while I know she can pull me into the light, I don’t know that I can do the same for her, no matter how much I want to.  I think the best I can do for her is to let her know that I love her no matter what she does (even if I don’t always agree with her) and that I am always available when she needs me.  I know I would never survive losing her, the darkness would win that round if I ever had to say goodbye to that girl.

This didn’t turn out to be the light bubbly post I had intended to write, but I think this is better; it’s more real this way.  I wanted to write inspired, and I feel like I did that.  My main goal is to always write from the heart, to be honest with myself and whoever may be reading this.  I think I accomplished that tonight and I feel like I’m in a really good place right now.  Yes, I cried while writing this, but I’m not sad.

I’m so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life that have made me who I am, for everyone who has stayed by my side through the ups and downs, for the people who make me laugh when I’m sad, for the people who make me feel safe in a dangerous world, for the people who make me feel like they’ll never judge me, for the people who love me unconditionally.  I hope this lets you see even in this small way how much you mean to me.