Come On Get Happy

The other day I posted a funny .gif parade that I titled "We Choose Our Own Happiness" and while in itself, the post was a bit of a joke, there is a lot of truth in the statement.

I think people, myself included, often look to the outside to fix whatever is bothering them, whether it be a job that they are unhappy with, the town they live in, family members that they butt heads with, the people they surround themselves with, and the list goes on. However, if you're looking for someone, or some thing else to make you happy, you're doing it wrong.

There are absolutely situations that you cannot control, and they will affect your emotions, there isn't anything wrong with that.  Sometimes a stranger is going to be rude to you, sometimes a family member is going to hurt your feelings, sometimes someone you love is going to disappoint you, that's part of the human experience.  Your reaction, and your ability to let it go, is completely up to you.

Change isn't easy, in fact it's probably the hardest thing humans ever have to do.  It's easy, even if it isn't satisfactory, to live the status quo.  If you want to lose weight, you aren't going to do so laying in bed watching Harry Potter movies every day after work (looking in the mirror) you have to eat better and exercise... but cheese is delicious and cardio sucks balls... there are always excuses, there are always reasons (tired, busy, stressed at work) to do the easy thing, but you can't expect to wake up one morning looking like Giselle if you aren't willing to do the work.

It's the same thing if you're in a toxic relationship, if you aren't willing to talk to your partner, to explain why you aren't happy and figure out how to make the changes necessary to get better, you're always going to be upset and resentful that the person you care for can't read your mind.

For people who are chronically lonely, being a hermit isn't going to solve the problem.  You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone, even if it's just smiling at the person next to you in line at the grocery check out.  Compliment a stranger, call an old friend, hang out in a place that's different than your usual haunts, you aren't going to meet new friends sitting on your couch listening to Ross an Rachel yell at each other about whether or not they were "on a break."  I know that you can meet new people via social networking, I've made some amazing friends that way, but chatting online with someone (as awesome as it can be sometimes, hell sometimes it's just what you need) doesn't always take away the need for human interaction.  This advice also goes for people who are upset about being single, Mike Rowe wrote a great response to someone who was unhappy with his job, and he also commented on how people hate being single, but they're waiting for the "Perfect Person" to fall into their lap and in love... except it doesn't work that way, YOU have to be willing to come out of your shell to meet someone new. You can read it HERE if you're interested.

I know that depression is real, that it isn't just being sad because you didn't get that puppy for Christmas 20 years ago and you just need to get over it and move on with your life.  I know that you can't make someone get help if they don't want it or don't feel like they're ready for it.  I know that you cannot make anyone else happy, just like you cannot depend on someone else to make you happy.

If you feel like you're in over your head and too tired to tread water, please seek help, whether that's calling on a friend, finding a counselor, starting a blog, volunteering at a shelter (human or animal), writing sad country songs,  or start painting your blue period... do whatever it takes to see the sunshine again. And by "whatever it takes" I mean, do something healthy, do something productive, do something to show yourself that there are better days than these.

Let go of the pain (I promise I won't burst into Disney songs here), I'm not telling you to forgive and forget the people who have hurt you, some things aren't forgivable or forgettable, I don't know your story, but you can make it so that past wrongs can no longer hurt you in the future.  Let go of toxic people in your life, even if it isn't easy, let them fade into the background where they belong, do not let them occupy space in your head or your heart, they don't deserve it.

The Break Up

No this isn't going to be salacious, no I'm not going to air dirty laundry... if you're looking for gossip I suggest going to TMZ.com and to not waste your time here. I'm only posting it because it deserves to be recognized, but it doesn't really fit with my happy monthly wrap ups, because lets face it, this isn't a happy time for me.

Yes there are worse things that could have happened and that are happening in the world and that are happening closer to home, and maybe wallowing in self pity is a little indulgent and dramatic... but it hurts damn it, and he mattered, still matters, and it's only been since the 1st, I have the right to grieve over what was lost.



So to answer the questions:

• No it wasn't mutual
• Yes I was surprised (in the moment), although in hindsight there were red flags
• No I'm not angry
• No I don't have anything bad to say about him
• No I don't regret being his girlfriend or giving the relationship a chance
• Yes I think that eventually we can be friends again (even though it might take awhile)
• Yes I'll probably cry about it for a few more days/weeks
• No I'm not posting this for sympathy, to make anyone feel bad, and I'm not trying to be a martyr
• No I don't want you to beat him up
• Yes I realize that pain is temporary and that things will get better in time
• No there wasn't a big fight nor are there juicy details to share

Does that cover them all? If not, it's close enough.

I'm 31 years old, have been dating since I was 18, and this was the first functional relationship I've been in. This is the first time I've felt I could be "me" quirks and all with someone. He helped me work through a lot of issues I've had with the ghosts of boyfriends past, I could talk about my life, my past (it's not that sordid, but there are things that I haven't always been willing to share with other people that I was able to trust him with), he encouraged me to write and to take photos and to chase down the things that make me happy. He was the first guy I dated who was excited to meet my parents and that I wasn't nervous about making the introductions with. He listened when I talked and was sweet and thoughtful. When he made promises he followed through with them. He made me feel safe in a way that no one before him had been able to do.  We weren't together for a long amount of time, we only started dating in June and became "Facebook Official" in late August/early September, but he's one of the ones who have mattered the most....maybe THE ONE who mattered the most, and so I feel like I have to do what is best for him, even if that means he can't be mine anymore. I want him to be able to chase down his dreams to the best of his ability. I refuse to be someone who will hold him back.

I never told him that I loved him and I don't think it would have changed the outcome, except that it would have been harder, and it's the very reason why I have to let him go. I have to let him go. Every time I see it/hear/think that phrase it makes my eyes fill up with tears and my heart feel like it's in a vice grip, but I have to do it. I can't make someone be in a relationship with me if it's not right for him. He has his reasons, and they are valid ones that logically I can understand, emotionally is a completely different story my heart and brain are rarely on the same page. His reasons are the same ones that I've had to break up with someone that I've cared about. He's just not in a place in his life where it works for him. That's not a bad thing, it's not something he's doing to hurt me or manipulate me, its a timing thing. He's not being abusive or mean, he's just being honest...and it makes me want to stay in my PJ's under the covers in a dark room all day (not that I have that option, a girl has to pay the rent).

I know that things will get better. I know that I won't be sad forever. I know that I am loved and lovable...but right now in this moment it's hard to find the silver linings.

It's All About Closure; Isn't It

It's weird, lately I've been thinking a lot about an ex of mine.  Not in a "what if" sort of way, not in an "I miss him" sort of way, just a "his name crosses my mind" sort of way. I don't really care what he's up to or how he's feeling. I keep having dreams about saying goodbye over and over again, and every time I feel more settled, more at peace.

The other day I was going through some pictures to put together a photo album to commemorate the year, one of the best years of my life so far, and I found pictures of me and that certain someone... I immediately deleted them and felt nothing... and let me tell you, nothing was an amazing feeling. I finally felt in control, I finally felt in charge of my emotions, a way I never felt when I was involved with that person.

I don't know if this feeling of closure, or this lack of feeling comes with finally being in a functional relationship with someone who I know cares about me. Someone who encourages me to follow my dreams, someone who inspires me. Someone who makes me feel like I matter, someone who always is happy to spend time with me, someone who doesn't make me feel like I'm his back up plan when something better doesn't come along.

For the first time I feel like I can breathe. I'm not scared to be myself anymore, and suddenly I realize that THIS is what being in a healthy relationship is.

In saying goodbye to the one who broke my heart a year ago, I want to say thank you for saving me from myself when I was most destructive. Thank you for being my friend when I needed you. I'd like to think we served a purpose in each other's lives, and I'm ready to say goodbye and part as strangers. We don't need each other anymore, and that's okay. Sometimes people are meant to be in each other's lives for a lifetime and sometimes only for a season. So I'll be grateful for the good times, and let go of all the bad things.

To my new relationship. Thank you so much for showing me that it is possible to be in a healthy relationship. That it doesn't have to be stressful and scary. That I can sleep next to you and not worry about well anything. That we can laugh together, talk about important issues in our lives, or just be doing our own things and it's okay.

How Do You Say Goodbye?

Last week I had to say goodbye to a loved one. Sunday night (September 16th) I received a phone call letting me know that my great aunt had passed away, and while I was shocked, it was hardly shocking news. My aunt, Josephine, had suffered from dementia for the past three and a half years, and for as long as I can remember her life had been peppered with various health ailments. She had been mourning the loss of her husband for the past ten years and had been looking forward to joining him.

She was a woman who devoted her life to her family. She raised my father and his sister, my aunt Cindy, so that my grandmother could work. She took care of me and my cousins so that our mothers could work as well. She loved her pets (dogs, cats, birds, and whatever strays wandered into the yard), she was a great cook, collected angels, and was hooked on her soap operas.

So how do you say goodbye to someone who played such a major role in your life? I probably spent 90% of my childhood at her house, she was there the day I was born, she was there when I graduated from high school and college, and every important event in my life. She held my hand when I was sick or scared, and she shared my joy on some of my happiest days.

So how do you say goodbye? Maybe you don't. Maybe you just celebrate the life they lived and know that they're finally where they want to be. You are relieved that they are no longer in pain. You realize that you will miss them and that holidays won't be the same without them, but at the same time they're never really completely gone as long as you hold them in your heart. They're never gone as long as when you think of them it brings a smile to your face. It's never goodbye, it's always thank you for loving me and I'll see you on the other side.

I'll Get There When I'm Ready

I find myself often being a person that friends, family, and friends of friends or family turn to for advice. I'm really not sure why that is, especially when it comes to relationship advice seeing has how I have never been in a healthy stable relationship, but never the less I'm someone people turn to.

I am so honored that people trust me in that manner even if they don't know me that well. Maybe they find that I listen well and I try not to judge too harshly.

I'm starting to think that it's getting time to take my own relationship, or rather breaking up advice, and that is this: You'll let go when you're ready.

Yes I know it's all vague and zen, but it's true. The brain and the heart aren't always in agreement on when the appropriate time to let go of someone you loved is, eventually they will get on the same page and you will let go at that point.

My plan is to stop beating myself up over having feelings for someone longer than some ambiguous deadline that I've given myself. I know I don't want to be with that person anymore and any hope for reconciliation has long vanished, I know this person will never be what they once were to me and 99 out of 100 days I'm okay with that fact. However on that one day my heart takes over and makes me wistful for the fantasy of what could have been "if only"

Today was that one day. I spent all day on the verge of tears and my stomach all tied in knots and I was angry about it. So fucking angry. Why can't I stop feeling? How can you still hurt me even without doing anything? We haven't had any contact in 6 months and you haunt my dreams. It isn't fucking fair.

For whatever reason my heart isn't ready to let go. It will when it's ready.

Maybe it will take meeting someone new, maybe it will just take time to build up some scar tissue over the open wounds. I'm ready to start giving other people a chance, even if I get hurt again, I refuse to allow you to keep me running scared. I'm stronger than you ever gave me credit for.

Maybe I'm closer to ready than I thought, and even if I'm still straddling the fence I can keep my eyes on the horizon and know there are better days ahead.

Shattered Glass

Preface: I wrote this "letter to him" after a night filled with anxiety attacks, vivid dreams, and a lot of tears. Its raw and unedited, exactly how I felt when I first woke up.


I hate how just seeing your name can make me break out into a cold sweat, how the mere thought of you gives me nightmares or even worse happy dreams of what could have been. How do you still have this hold on me? Why am I finding it so impossible to let you go? You aren't good for me, you never were. You have proven yourself to be selfish and untrustworthy. Those aren't qualities I'd look for in a friend or a lover, so why doesn't that goodbye we said 6 months ago feel final? Why am I so scared that one of these days you're going to show up out of the blue and the sound of your voice will make me forgive you? Am I really that weak? Do I hate myself that much that I would allow you back into my life just to break me all over again? Why did I ever love you? Why does it feel like I still do? I was never that important to you, so why did I allow you to become the center of my world?