Come On Get Happy

The other day I posted a funny .gif parade that I titled "We Choose Our Own Happiness" and while in itself, the post was a bit of a joke, there is a lot of truth in the statement.

I think people, myself included, often look to the outside to fix whatever is bothering them, whether it be a job that they are unhappy with, the town they live in, family members that they butt heads with, the people they surround themselves with, and the list goes on. However, if you're looking for someone, or some thing else to make you happy, you're doing it wrong.

There are absolutely situations that you cannot control, and they will affect your emotions, there isn't anything wrong with that.  Sometimes a stranger is going to be rude to you, sometimes a family member is going to hurt your feelings, sometimes someone you love is going to disappoint you, that's part of the human experience.  Your reaction, and your ability to let it go, is completely up to you.

Change isn't easy, in fact it's probably the hardest thing humans ever have to do.  It's easy, even if it isn't satisfactory, to live the status quo.  If you want to lose weight, you aren't going to do so laying in bed watching Harry Potter movies every day after work (looking in the mirror) you have to eat better and exercise... but cheese is delicious and cardio sucks balls... there are always excuses, there are always reasons (tired, busy, stressed at work) to do the easy thing, but you can't expect to wake up one morning looking like Giselle if you aren't willing to do the work.

It's the same thing if you're in a toxic relationship, if you aren't willing to talk to your partner, to explain why you aren't happy and figure out how to make the changes necessary to get better, you're always going to be upset and resentful that the person you care for can't read your mind.

For people who are chronically lonely, being a hermit isn't going to solve the problem.  You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone, even if it's just smiling at the person next to you in line at the grocery check out.  Compliment a stranger, call an old friend, hang out in a place that's different than your usual haunts, you aren't going to meet new friends sitting on your couch listening to Ross an Rachel yell at each other about whether or not they were "on a break."  I know that you can meet new people via social networking, I've made some amazing friends that way, but chatting online with someone (as awesome as it can be sometimes, hell sometimes it's just what you need) doesn't always take away the need for human interaction.  This advice also goes for people who are upset about being single, Mike Rowe wrote a great response to someone who was unhappy with his job, and he also commented on how people hate being single, but they're waiting for the "Perfect Person" to fall into their lap and in love... except it doesn't work that way, YOU have to be willing to come out of your shell to meet someone new. You can read it HERE if you're interested.

I know that depression is real, that it isn't just being sad because you didn't get that puppy for Christmas 20 years ago and you just need to get over it and move on with your life.  I know that you can't make someone get help if they don't want it or don't feel like they're ready for it.  I know that you cannot make anyone else happy, just like you cannot depend on someone else to make you happy.

If you feel like you're in over your head and too tired to tread water, please seek help, whether that's calling on a friend, finding a counselor, starting a blog, volunteering at a shelter (human or animal), writing sad country songs,  or start painting your blue period... do whatever it takes to see the sunshine again. And by "whatever it takes" I mean, do something healthy, do something productive, do something to show yourself that there are better days than these.

Let go of the pain (I promise I won't burst into Disney songs here), I'm not telling you to forgive and forget the people who have hurt you, some things aren't forgivable or forgettable, I don't know your story, but you can make it so that past wrongs can no longer hurt you in the future.  Let go of toxic people in your life, even if it isn't easy, let them fade into the background where they belong, do not let them occupy space in your head or your heart, they don't deserve it.

Running on Empty

Some days it seems like the whole world is running on fumes, our tempers are short, our patience nearly non-existent, and we're all looking for that fuel to fill our souls.

Some eat their feelings (guilty as charged), some choose a more healthy route and sweat out the stress, some take it out on their wallets, others might blow off steam by dumping it on someone else, and sadly some find the need to chase the high and try to find peace by masking their pain in dangerous addictions.

I've been trying to find the words for months, long before Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Cory Monteith overdosed.  To say I don’t understand why or how they did this to themselves is an understatement, but not a judgment.  I do understand that depression and addiction know no income bracket, career success, education level, skin color, or national origin, and they don't discriminate.  There isn't some magical formula to decide who will be able to manage their depression in self destructive ways or who will channel it into more healthy outlets.

I'm not going to lie or pretend that it doesn't scare me to see someone I care about battle with their inner demons; it’s hard to watch someone you love be lost.  It’s hard to know that all you can do is be there for them, sometimes it’s hard to WANT to be there for them, because you don’t trust them not to hurt you in the process of hurting themselves. 

I dated a guy once upon a time who was clinically depressed, and when he was on his meds and was gainfully employed, he was a caring, generous, empathetic, awesome man… when he was off his medication, he was a different person entirely, he would be mean just for the sake of being mean, he would disappear for days at a time, and would go so far off the grid that there were times I called his parents to make sure he was still alive.  It’s not easy to love someone like that; it’s an effort you have to make every single day.  You also have to find a way to keep from circling the drain yourself.  In the end, we weren't right for each other and we went our separate ways; but not without leaving some emotional scars behind.

I've learned from other experiences that you can't force anyone to change in ways that they aren't ready for.  It doesn't matter how often you offer to help them, or scold them for making bad choices, they have to reach the decision to climb out of the darkness on their own. 

It's hard to be understanding, it's hard to not be judgmental, it might be impossible to put yourself in their shoes to see exactly what someone else is going through. I know I've sat in judgment of those around me who have struggled with addictive behaviors.  I've asked the questions "Why would s/he do this? They seem to have everything, they have no excuse to not be happy. Why are they so weak to turn to something that they know is bad for them? Didn't their parents pay enough attention to them? Maybe if they hadn't been given everything they wouldn't be seeking this never ending high. Don't they know they're hurting everyone around them? How can they be so selfish?" The truth is none of those questions are helpful, none of the answers change the fact that someone is hurting, and all they do is further traumatize the ones who love the addict, and make the person who is using feel more alienated.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t know when you should stick around and love someone through the pain, or when you should cut them off and save yourself.  Maybe there isn’t an answer, maybe it’s somewhere between, maybe it depends on your relationship with the person and their willingness to get the help they need.  It’s easy and common to be frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad, defeated, guilt, and so much more when you are on the sidelines of someone’s destruction, that’s why there are so many support groups for not only the addicts, but for their loved ones.  Please if you need help, or someone you love does, know that you are valuable, you are needed, you are loved, you are important, and can be stronger than the false ties that bind you in the shadows.

Alcoholics Anonymous
Narcotics Anonymous
Suicide Prevention Hotline
Al Anon, for families of alcoholics
Narc Anon, for the families of drug addicts
for the families of addicts

Monsters at Your Door

I used to be a fan/page member of several pages on Facebook that provided me with a wealth of news articles that weren't always top loaded on my news.google.com feed. Most of these pages were centered around women's rights and promoting equality for minorities. They used to have a lot of really great information.  They were indignant when many politicians were talking about doing whatever they could to take away women's legal rights for particularly controversial medical procedures (abortions), they lobbied hard when the Susan G. Komen foundation decided they wanted to cut ties with Planned Parenthood, these groups celebrated when states granted same sex couples the legal right to marry, and I loved them for this.

So why the "used to be" you might be asking? Where has the love gone?

In the wake of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings earlier this month, these pages have fallen from their missions of protecting individual rights that were granted by the Constitution, Supreme Court rulings, and the voice of the people, to being raging anti-gun pages. I understand, we lost a lot that day, it wasn't fair, and personally I can't stop crying over it. Every time I see one of those 20 children's faces my eyes fill up and it's all I can do to not let them spill while I'm at work. I feel the trauma of losing my brother who died a few years ago all over again, and while his death was due to a violent crime it wasn't gun related, it doesn't matter, loss is loss no matter how it happens, especially when it's unexpected. Everyone needs someone to blame for the tragedy. They look for monsters in the world.  They blame the NRA, violent video games, Hollywood, Walmart, the media, developmental disorders, and a host of others for the shootings. They have taken the conversation from being about stricter gun control laws and more availability for mental health care access to being about a total firearm ban. They use fear mongering techniques like "would you trust a stranger with a gun?" polls and belittling posters who have different opinions about how to make the country a safer place.

First, let's place the blame where it's due. The 20 year old man who brought the guns to campus and killed those people is where the blame lies. He did it, it's his fault, it was his choice. Callous? Maybe... but it's true. There are millions of people in the country battling illness and don't shoot up kindergarten classrooms. If you want to take a wider scope, let's look at his mom, otherwise known as Victim #1. She knew that her son had problems and still had firearms throughout the house and they were easily accessible to her son, she taught him how to use them, and took him shooting. I haven't heard anything about his father. Where was he? I'm genuinely curious. I'm not one of those people who feel like single parents are the cause of all evil, but just because someones parents are no longer with each other doesn't mean that one parent is allowed to check out on their kid. Did he die? Or just not around?  If the shooter was not getting treatment for his illness, why aren't there more means to get help for adults who don't want to help themselves?

Do you still need something to be afraid of? How about how hard it is to get help when you're mentally ill? How about being afraid of parents who would rather be their kids' best friend instead of an authority figure? How about being afraid of people who would happily take away your rights because they make them feel icky? How about looking to history and seeing what similar bans have done (think Stalin, Castro, Hitler)? How about wondering where it will stop once they start taking rights away?

Personally I think there need to be stricter enforcement of the laws we have, and consider making them federal laws so that they are the same across state lines, review "Stand Your Ground" laws to make sure they really work the way they are intended to and not a blanket excuse for killing people who could potentially be threatening, new policies demanding background checks for firearms sales, a review of what types of firearms are available to the general public, mandatory safety courses for firearms users, a licensing program that needs to be renewed on a regular basis much like a driver's license, and harsher penalties for violating these policies. Granted it won't keep criminals from obtaining weapons illegally, but it might make certain weapons harder to get in general. Law abiding citizens might be more inclined to keep weapons locked and out of sight when not in use. I also don't think that it should stop at gun control, there are many violent crimes that are committed daily that you don't hear about because they're on a smaller scale, but their impact is still felt. There needs to be a way to prohibit violent crimes in general. How do we take control back from the thugs on the streets and the abusers that hide behind their locked doors?

I don't think schools need to be turned into prisons to keep children safe, but having security and a police officer on campus at all times isn't a bad idea. Kids need to be able to enjoy school and look forward to learning and I'm not sure that would happen in an environment where fear rules.

A few of these pages are looking to dismantle the 2nd amendment, calling it archaic and unnecessary, however my feelings are that once you start taking away some rights, the others will be just as easy to remove. Why stop at the second? The first amendment causes a lot of trouble too, and who gave women and minorities the right to vote? We can't base our laws on emotions.

The same people who were against George W. Bush trading our freedoms for security post 9-11 are the trying to do the same now. I'm not saying there doesn't need to be changes, I'm just asking that we make them based on logic and not fear.  Stop looking for monsters under the bed when there are bigger ones knocking at your door.