Opinions are like Assholes

... but really, everyone has one, and unless it's explicitly asked for, it's really rude to shove yours in someone else's face.

Death by Carrot Cake

My last post was the recipe for this cake, it is an old family recipe that my Aunt Josephine used to make. You can find it here if you want to try your hand at it yourself, it's delicious, and that's coming from someone who isn't especially fond of carrot cake.

Anyway, I had promised my boyfriend that I'd make him whatever cake he wanted (stupidly assuming he'd pick something super easy like chocolate cake) and he told me his favorite cake is carrot cake.  I popped off with "Awesome, I have an old family recipe that's been passed down for years, I haven't made it myself yet, but everyone really seems to like it, I'll make that."  I then went home, looked at the recipe, and panic ensued. I even called my mom so that she could virtually pat my head and tell me everything would be okay, that this cake was well within my skill levels.

Still the following thoughts wouldn't stop racing through my head:

1. While I have baked and decorated dozens of cakes over the years, I've never made one completely from scratch.  I always use a boxed cake mix as a base and doctor the recipe to get a homemade taste/texture.
2. This recipe in INVOLVED and has a TON of ingredients.
3. I would be baking in his kitchen which is known to have a VERY temperamental oven.
4. I have developed a reputation among friends and family of being THE BAKER, and he is well aware of it, he's known about my rep longer than he's known me.
5. Boyfriend is a culinary school graduate chef.

No pressure right?

So I packed up all my gear and took it to his house. Have Kitchen Aid (TM) will travel. Sunday morning dawned and I got up to get my inner kitchen goddess on, and learned right away that the oven did indeed suck balls.

First I couldn't get it to preheat to the temp I needed it to be, so I cranked the dial to 500, and it grudgingly raised to 350 (score, that's just where I wanted it), I flipped the dial to "bake" and the heat element turned off and the temperature dropped to 200 degrees. Fail.

Then while I was mixing all the ingredients, I realized when I got to the end on the instructions I still had a few ingredients that never made it into the bowl... turns out I skipped a couple lines on the recipe... anxiously called my mom, and again she virtually patted me on the head and told me it was fine, just put them in at the end. So if you do make the cake, order of operations isn't super important, it'll still turn out okay.

Back to the oven... I put it back on preheat, and figured that was fine... and popped the cake on the center rack, it wasn't 10 minutes later the kitchen is full of smoke (and only my nose detected it, not the smoke detector) and the top of the cake was black. I was really concerned because the cake was supposed to take 90 minutes to bake.  I rip it out of the oven and start poking around at it, nearly crying, but was hopeful when I discovered only the top 1/4 inch was charred. I started peeling off the blackened portion and sent the BF a frantic text about ruining the cake and hating his oven.  He gave me some pointers and left work to come to my rescue (or maybe his shift was over and he was on his way anyway, I like to think he was concerned for my mental health and raced home).

Meanwhile, I went all Swatter Ninja and started killing the hoard of flies that had infiltrated the house over the weekend. It was a way to be productive and to take out my frustration all at the same time. Plus who likes to be in a house full of flying insects? Not me. I also took a pumice stone to the bathtub and got all the bachelor pad grit off. What? When I'm stressed I obsessively clean things. I blame my mother, she does the same thing.  

Turns out I should have been using the bottom oven, not the top... and once I had the cake in the right place (who knew?) everything turned out fine.  I won't lie and tell you that I didn't at least once or twice fantasize about tossing the entire cake, pan and all out into the street and just watch it roll down the hill... maybe get hit by the neighbor's truck and splat everywhere. There were a few dark moments.

Luckily, once the cake was baked, cooled, and frosted it was DELICIOUS and a big hit with everyone who tried it.  So it was completely worth the struggles I faced making it.  I would definitely make it again, just maybe in someone else's oven, or you know, just use the functional oven now that I know which one it is.

This may not have been the prettiest cake I've ever made, but the fact that I made it from scratch, burned part of it, and that it still came out awesome (tasting)... it really might be the one I'm most proud of.

We Choose Our Own Happiness

and today, this is what's making me happy.

Dr. Frankenstein's Boyfriend

I realize I've been posting some fairly serious stuff lately.  I thought it might be time to blog about something fun and light-hearted.

I was talking about relationships with some friends the other day, and I realized that while even though none of my past relationships have worked out, they all have a special place in my heart, even if the men are no longer in my life.  I thought it might be fun to take a walk down memory lane and talk about my favorite qualities about the relationships that have made the biggest impact on my life.  Names have been omitted and have been replaced with semi-identifying nicknames.

The Texan:  This one was my first love, he was someone I could talk to about anything, for hours, he understood me in a way I’m not sure anyone has before or since.  We had more than our share of problems, and in the end we were so wrong for each other that I’m not sure why we ever fell in love.  He taught me what it was like to think of someone else first, how to include someone else in my plans.  He had magical hands, was artistic, passionate, and had a voice that could make me melt with a simple hello.

The North County Cowboy:  This was the shortest relationship on the list, we only lasted a month, but everything happened so fast and the feelings were real.  He loved animals like no man I have ever dated (don’t be gross, he didn't love his pets).  He was also probably the best looking boyfriend I've had.  I introduced him to my friends and family much sooner than I normally would, it was so strange how everything moved in fast-forward, but felt completely normal and natural, from the night I met him, I felt like I had known him forever.

The College Boy:  I can’t help but look back on these days and smile.  Yes, there were plenty of reasons why we weren't meant for the long haul, but so many reasons why we were so great in the short run.  We liked the same movies, loved weekend road trips, the same football team, similar music, and he inspired me to be better at the things I love (writing and photography for example).  We took things slower than usual, and it made every milestone feel important and special.  He taught me what it was like to be in a mostly functional relationship.  He was also the first educated man I've been involved with, and it’s amazing to be able to share similar experiences with someone who gets it.

The Golf Pro: This man.  I’m not sure where to even start.  This relationship blew up in my face like an Elmer Fudd cartoon during “Wabbit Season,” and yet, it still served a purpose, there are still good things to say.  He had a way of helping me turn off the world and everything that was stressing me out, for awhile he was my favorite drug, and looking back, probably the most toxic.  We got together not long after I lost my younger brother, got let go from my job, started a new career, and was butting heads with one of my closest friends.  He was my eye of the storm, my escape hatch, and the ladder out of the deep end of the pool.  We started out as friends and he introduced me to new music, movies I never thought I’d watch, and showed me all the wrong ways to be in a relationship, so that when I find the real thing, I’ll know it.

The Musician:  He was so passionate, twisted, talented, scared, emotionally stunted, caring, confused, manipulative, hilarious, and infuriating… and I never felt the need to change him.  He drove me crazy, pushed me to try harder, even inspired me to get my own guitar so that he could teach me to play it.  He taught me that people will be who they are whether I like it or not.  That I can’t change someone who doesn't want to be changed, I can’t make someone be a grown up if they’re stuck in never land.  That even if you’re great as friends, it doesn't mean that you’ll be great loves.  He opened my eyes to things I didn't want to see.  He taught me to be strong, how to walk out of a room with my head held high, he taught be that sometimes you have to push the wrong person out of the door, so the right one can walk in.  I know it sounds like these are negative things to pull from a relationship, and in the moment they absolutely were, but they made me stronger.  They made me less likely to put up with bullshit.  They didn't turn me into my frosty alter ego, but the experience has made me more cautious of suspect behavior, and more appreciative of people who are genuine.

This post kind of took an unexpected turn on me, it was supposed to be funny and light, and it turned into a love letter, and an affirmation that I still believe in the good in people (even when they've shown me their worst sides), but I'm okay with that.

All of these men were intelligent, whether they learned their lessons from books, the streets, by events that life had thrown in their direction.  They all made me laugh and some of them have held me when I've cried.  They opened my world up to new experiences that I wouldn't trade for an easier road to follow.  I feel like if I could take the best parts of all of them and could Dr. Frankenstein them into one man, I’d be pretty close to perfect.  He’d be tall, have dark hair, light eyes, a voice that could melt ice, could play the guitar like a rock god, loves animals, educated, funny, inspiring, encouraging, someone who listens as well as tells stories, has a sense of adventure, doesn't make too much fun of my taste in music, someone who wants to share new things with me, someone I can introduce to my family…. Doesn't sound too bad does it? 

You Know How I Know We're Old?...

My friends and I have this on going joke about "you know how I know we're old" then follow up with something that wouldn't have bothered us when we were in our teens/twenties that drive us crazy now... it's based on jokes from The Forty Year Old Virigin and if you haven't seen that particular flick, stop whatever you're doing and watch it. Prepare for lots of laughs. I plan to update this post as frequently as we come up with them, so check back.

at Yogurt Creations a build your own dessert chain where you serve yourself and pay by weight after you've filled your cup with frozen yogurt and toppings...

"You know how I know we're old?... watching that teenager eat her yogurt before weighing and paying is pissing me off... younger Me would have thought it was a fantastic idea"

at girl's night getting ready to watch a movie
"You know how I know we're old?...I just called the DVD player a VCR and the conversation never paused"

after girls' night when I was sick with vertigo
"You know... when Carrie has to hold your arm and walk you to your car so don't fall down"

...actually having vertigo might be an indicator too...

"You know... We actually know that Romeo & Juliet is a tragedy not a love story"

"You know... Chelsea Handler isn't even 10 years older than us, and that bitch is old"

"You know...parents actually trust me to chaperone their kids on overnight school trips"

"You know... we're older than the cast of Old School (when the movie was released)"

"You know... I just thought that an icy hot rub down on my shoulders would be amazing right now"

"You know... This song is totally about me: http://youtu.be/YSnDJ7exSO0 (it's a parody of T. Swift's 22, called 32)

"You know... we carry white wine into the movies for "girl's night" at 3:45 pm"

"You know... I now look for sunscreen with an SPF in the double digits (and we aren't talking teens), cover my face when out in the sun, and the first sunburn of the season is a disappointment and not the goal of the weekend"

"You know... two glasses of wine and I'm drunk... and have a massive hangover the next day"

"You know... I no longer look forward to staying up all night, I'd rather sleep in"

"You know... my idea of a great birthday party no longer includes going on pub crawls and expensive dinners, take out and a bottle (or multiple) of wine with great friends and being able to actually have a conversation with the people I'm with make for a fantastic evening."

"You know... it's taking more concealer to cover up the dark circles under my eyes and harder to pass off the grey hairs as platinum highlights."

"You know... I remember when Oregon Trail was a black screen with green dots, and there were no Matrix references"

"You know... I used a typewriter at my first job"

"You know... I know that "blow on it and try again" isn't always a sexual innuendo" (original Nintendo/Duck Hunt ftw)

"You know... when I hear someone mention "The Breakfast Club" I think of the John Hughes movie and not a sandwich at Jack in the Box"

"You know... these kids didn't just forget about Dre, they don't even know who he is outside of a Dr. Pepper commercial"

"You know... these kids didn't know that Michael Jackson has a famous sister, Janet... Miss Jackson if you're nasty"

"You know... these kids didn't know that Gwen Stefani was part of No Doubt BEFORE her solo career"

SSFW: A giggle inducing guide to life, sex, and stuff

This blog is sort of co-authored by The Elitist.She had this idea that she wanted to post a blog about all the things she's learned from men in the past 15 months and have it be really silly and fun... I started texting her funny lessons I've learned dating in the past decade and she decided that maybe I should post the blog myself. 

So in no particular order, and by no particular order, I will list the following lessons by bullet point. Feel free to guess who said what and it might be a good idea to not have a beverage while reading. There were a few other contributors to the list and if you have any to add feel free to add them to the comment section. There is always room for more giggles. If you want a more serious list of the dating lessons I've learned over the years check out my blog about Loving Mr. Wrong  or being In Love With Love Apparently I write about relationships... but really what is life about if not relationships. They don't all have to be romantic, but human interaction is what we do.

Time to stop feeling philosophical and start making the list...

• I was introduced to medium rare steak, bread and butter pickles, and diet dr. pepper, those were the best things I can take from that relationship
• Always were a pony tail (for those with long hair) during kinky sex or you'll never get the tangles out.
• Semen in the eye stings like a mother fucker, but can be an effective hair gel if you run out.
• OMG cum in your eye will leave you with a red eye for three days and will ruin your contact
• If you have high intakes of wasabi and garlic in your diet, that's what your spunk will taste like and she'll never swallow again
• Or let you cum in her mouth again
• Shaved balls are gross
• If the rest of your body is hairy, do not shave your balls, it's alarming
• Gatorade immediately after a bender will help make the hangover more manageable the next day.
• Please refrain from using cutesy nicknames on the second date, wait until we're in a relationship, and even then be careful some are just cringe worthy.
• Don't forget to break up with your significant other/roommate before bringing new dates home, the outcome will be less than stellar.
• Change your sheets between bed buddies, no one appreciates souvenirs from previous guests 
• Never tell someone you're sleeping with that you love them... like a sibling
• No one wants to blow Swamp Thing, keep it clean friends.
• There is a right way and a wrong way to 69, him on top with swamp crotch = the wrong way
• Booty Call Rules are as Follows:
• if he calls after 10:59 its a booty call
• he needs to be single
• he can't meet your family
• he can come to your place
• he just needs to be single and hot!
• if your BC is your crush's bff don't expect your crush to ever be your BF
• its super hard to transition from a BC to a relationship... not saying it can't happen, but don't expect it to.
• If she's more interested in the cartoon going on in the background, you're probably doing it wrong
• Do not tell me you have a 24'' cock, because I will laugh at you and call you a liar. Its involuntary, really, when someone tells you something that ridiculous laughter is imminent.
• Ziploc is not an effective form of birth control
• If you're planning on breaking up with a girl, please don't take her on a super romantic vacation immediately before. It just makes goodbye that much harder and you kind of look douchey.
• Led Zepplin makes a perfect making out soundtrack
• Whiskey dick is NEVER appreciated.
• There is a right way and a wrong way to pull a girl's hair... if her reaction is a confused look or "ouch ouch that hurts!" you probably did it wrong.
• Sometimes the best sex is the kind that makes you burst out in uncontrollable laughing... no honey I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing because I'm having a good time.
• Fake boyfriends can never know that they are the fake boyfriend.
• You really shouldn't be proud that girls tell you "8 Second Ride" is your theme song, it doesn't mean what you think it means...
• You may think having long hair is sexy, but seeing as how it always doubles as something to grab onto, I'm always in some sort of a back-bend. No wonder I end up having sex on my head so often. Its like a permanent yoga session in my bedroom.

The Customer Service Letters I Wish I Could Send...

UPDATE 08/22/12
Dear Infinate Math Skills,
I know you need an 8 passenger vehicle, I do not have one of those in my fleet, I do however have one that is larger and would accomodate your needs if you should choose to accept it. I realize that companies do manufacture cars with 8 seats, but I do not carry every car that was ever made. Please listen when I try to explain that to you. You do not have to speak to me like I'm an idiot and that you know more about what cars I have available than I do, I assure you, you do not. Also? If it appears that I have completely checked out of the conversation, and quoted you an obscenely high rate without even checking availability, you would be correct. Mostly because I just don't want to deal with you anymore.

UPDATE 07/23/12
Dear Desperately Seeking Someone
Just because I am nice to you doesn't mean I'm interested. It means I'm in the customer service industry and am paid to not be an asshole. I do not want to run away with you. It is not appropriate for you to tell me that my life is incomplete because 1. I do not have children, 2. I don't want to have YOUR children. Just because I am not married or wearing significant jewelry does NOT mean that I am available to you. You do not get to introduce your siblings to me as "your future sister-in-laws." You don't get to ask me if I am dating my boss or co-workers. NONE OF THIS IS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.

UPDATE 07/11/12
Dear Expired License
Why are you mad/surprised that we can't rent to you? You do not have a valid driver's license. It is not legal for you to drive a car, I sure can't put you on a contract to drive if it is illegal for you to do so. Please leave and stop giving me the evil eye. This is your fault not some "BS that [we] cook up to make it more difficult for [you] to get a vehicle"


UPDATE 06/13/2012
I'm not even sure how to phrase this in the form of a letter, but here is an example of the ridiculousness that we have to deal with in customer service.

customer a: do you have a restroom we can use?
 co-worker: its out of service right now
customer a: any suggestions?
co-worker: McD's is right next door
customer b: the bushes right outside the building
me: um please not the ones right behind my window...
customer b: don't worry honey, you're wearing glasses, you won't be able to see anything he's got

::facepalm::

UPDATE 06/04/2012
Dear CrankyPants No Reservation Grandpa:
If you don't book a reservation, we can't hold a car or lock in a rate, we tell you this while you're getting rate quotes from us. You chose not to book a car. Please do not have someone drop you off unannounced and demand that we have exactly what you inquired about a week ago. We do have a car available, but the rate is different...because rates change depending on the size of the car and our availability. If you wanted the rate locked in, you should have made a reservation.  Also when you're small grandchild is acting fussy in the office because you're having a hissy fit and are making him nervous, please don't tell him he's a "bad boy for throwing a fit because [he's] not getting his way." The kid is mimicking your behavior asshole. If you want him to grow up as a respectful human being you have to act like one around him.

Dear Uninsured:
If you do not meet our minimum requirements you cannot rent a car... no what ifs, thank you have a nice day.


UPDATE 01/19/2012
Dear Insufficient Funds:
If you can't afford the minimum deposit on the rental (or do not have a credit card/debit card in your name) maybe you shouldn't be renting the car. I am not "tying up" all your funds to destroy your fun family trip. If you cannot leave the deposit because you want to "go shopping" and can't afford to do both, maybe this trip wasn't planned very well. Plus if you were planning on spending all of your money before returning the car, HOW WERE YOU PLANNING ON PAYING FOR THE RENTAL TO BEGIN WITH? Do you think we'll feel sorry for you because you were irresponsible with your spending?  I can guarantee that I won't.

Dear Damaged Goods:
I cannot automatically refund your security deposit if you return the truck you rented damaged.  Even if you claim to have full coverage auto insurance. They are not separate issues. There are several steps to take when a vehicle is damaged and handing over cash to you isn't the first step... its actually the last, and often your insurance won't cover damages to a moving truck, especially if that damage was due to your negligence.  No sir, I'm sorry, it was not my fault that you "aren't a truck driver" we don't require special licenses for our trucks. You are the one who backed the truck into your house. It was your responsibility. Be an adult here.


I'll update as the crazy continues... but here's some to wet your whistle:

Dear Psycho Customer~
Everytime you rent you're a problem, you're rude, demanding, uncooperative, and have poor hygeine. Just as an FYI if you continue to yell at me, call me a liar when I honestly tell you that we're sold out of cars, change your story multiple times, and go on and on about how poorly we treat our customers, it doesn't inspire me to want to to try to help you. It will make me do the opposite. There is probably a reason why NONE of our competition will rent to you.

Dear Bad Parent~
It is highly inappropriate for you to give your barely potty trained toddler a boomerang as a toy to play with in public.  It is even more inappropriate for you to allow your child to throw said boomerang at my staff.  The worst part was when you said "Oh isn't he cute? That's the love of my life." What you should have said was "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" Then after you got the confirmation that no one was injured you should have excused yourself and your child to have a little talk in the parking lot about what kind of behavior should be exhibited in public. Your coddling and encouragement of being rude and basically violent to strangers isn't going to produce a kind loving member of society, its going to produce an entitled little shit head who thinks that everything he does is cute and okay even when it clearly isn't.

Dear Senior PDA Couple
PLEASE STOP MAKING OUT IN MY OFFICE, ITS GROSS.
Thank you.

Dear Smokey McSmokerstein
I do not find it even slightly amusing that you are demanding a non-smoking car (our whole fleet is non-smoking) because you are highly allergic to cigarette smoke, and yet you are a chain smoker. Hypocrite much?

Dear Cancelled Reservation
Sorry we do not hold cars for customers who are 1. not qualified renters and 2. cancel their reservations. No I will not "burn in hell" as you suggested because you do not meet our minimum qualifications to rent a $30,000 vehicle.  Its not "poor customer service" as you feel because we are not allowing you to use someone's credit card that you have written on a scrap piece of paper as a form of payment.  Get back on the crazy train and go home.

Dear Deadbeat Parents (not to be confused with "Bad Parent" mentioned above)
We are not daycare, we are not here to watch over your assumed loved ones. While I understand that not all of you will fit safely in one of the moving trucks to go refuel, it should not take 2 adults to go put fuel in a truck.  One of you should have stayed behind with your children instead of leaving them unattended in my office.  Yes they were well behaved (actually, they were much better behaved than you were) but that is beside the point. Who leaves their children with complete strangers in a place of business? What if something had happened to them? Who would you have held responsible? You didn't even ask us if we minded that you leave them behind.  I wouldn't leave my purse behind, why would you leave your kids whom you should value more?  Also when you returned to check in your vehicle instead of cussing us out that you felt it was bullshit to be forced to refuel the truck you used since you didn't want to be charged the service fee for us taking care of it, you should have said "thank you for letting my kids stay here while we took care of something we should have done before we returned in the first place (per our signed rental agreement).''