"You Get What You Settle For" - Louise Sawyer, Thelma and Louise

I'm not a big fan of settling, I'm willing to wait for what I want most of the time... so when I see people I care about settling for less than what they want or deserve in relationships it truly baffles me.

Are you really too cheap to buy an electric blanket to warm your bed at night?

Why do so many men and women stay in unsatisfactory relationships with someone they're only dating?  I can understand trying to work things out if you're in it for the long haul, but why would you stay with someone who has made it abundantly clear (many times) that a) they aren't in love with you, b) wouldn't miss you if you were gone, c) doesn't see ANY kind of future with you.

Are you REALLY that masochistic? I know you can't be naive enough to believe that you can change someone's feelings just by waiting it out.

And for the person who allows the relationship to continue even though you don't want it... why?  Why do you want to waste your time, and someone else's?  Why do you want to tease someone who you know is crazy in love with you when you know you'll never return the feelings?

Are you REALLY that sadistic? I've seen you be so much better than this, why are you hurting someone on purpose, because you are.  You know that your actions (or inaction) and your lack of feelings are hurting this person, but you haven't been firm in telling them to pack their bags.  Are you lazy? Or just that emotionally bankrupt that having anyone (even if it's the wrong one) love you is better that being single (even if you don't love them)?

None of this is okay.  Breaking up can be hard, painful, and ugly... but you know what is worse? Wasting years of your life with someone that you don't care about or who doesn't care about you.

Dr. Frankenstein's Boyfriend

I realize I've been posting some fairly serious stuff lately.  I thought it might be time to blog about something fun and light-hearted.

I was talking about relationships with some friends the other day, and I realized that while even though none of my past relationships have worked out, they all have a special place in my heart, even if the men are no longer in my life.  I thought it might be fun to take a walk down memory lane and talk about my favorite qualities about the relationships that have made the biggest impact on my life.  Names have been omitted and have been replaced with semi-identifying nicknames.

The Texan:  This one was my first love, he was someone I could talk to about anything, for hours, he understood me in a way I’m not sure anyone has before or since.  We had more than our share of problems, and in the end we were so wrong for each other that I’m not sure why we ever fell in love.  He taught me what it was like to think of someone else first, how to include someone else in my plans.  He had magical hands, was artistic, passionate, and had a voice that could make me melt with a simple hello.

The North County Cowboy:  This was the shortest relationship on the list, we only lasted a month, but everything happened so fast and the feelings were real.  He loved animals like no man I have ever dated (don’t be gross, he didn't love his pets).  He was also probably the best looking boyfriend I've had.  I introduced him to my friends and family much sooner than I normally would, it was so strange how everything moved in fast-forward, but felt completely normal and natural, from the night I met him, I felt like I had known him forever.

The College Boy:  I can’t help but look back on these days and smile.  Yes, there were plenty of reasons why we weren't meant for the long haul, but so many reasons why we were so great in the short run.  We liked the same movies, loved weekend road trips, the same football team, similar music, and he inspired me to be better at the things I love (writing and photography for example).  We took things slower than usual, and it made every milestone feel important and special.  He taught me what it was like to be in a mostly functional relationship.  He was also the first educated man I've been involved with, and it’s amazing to be able to share similar experiences with someone who gets it.

The Golf Pro: This man.  I’m not sure where to even start.  This relationship blew up in my face like an Elmer Fudd cartoon during “Wabbit Season,” and yet, it still served a purpose, there are still good things to say.  He had a way of helping me turn off the world and everything that was stressing me out, for awhile he was my favorite drug, and looking back, probably the most toxic.  We got together not long after I lost my younger brother, got let go from my job, started a new career, and was butting heads with one of my closest friends.  He was my eye of the storm, my escape hatch, and the ladder out of the deep end of the pool.  We started out as friends and he introduced me to new music, movies I never thought I’d watch, and showed me all the wrong ways to be in a relationship, so that when I find the real thing, I’ll know it.

The Musician:  He was so passionate, twisted, talented, scared, emotionally stunted, caring, confused, manipulative, hilarious, and infuriating… and I never felt the need to change him.  He drove me crazy, pushed me to try harder, even inspired me to get my own guitar so that he could teach me to play it.  He taught me that people will be who they are whether I like it or not.  That I can’t change someone who doesn't want to be changed, I can’t make someone be a grown up if they’re stuck in never land.  That even if you’re great as friends, it doesn't mean that you’ll be great loves.  He opened my eyes to things I didn't want to see.  He taught me to be strong, how to walk out of a room with my head held high, he taught be that sometimes you have to push the wrong person out of the door, so the right one can walk in.  I know it sounds like these are negative things to pull from a relationship, and in the moment they absolutely were, but they made me stronger.  They made me less likely to put up with bullshit.  They didn't turn me into my frosty alter ego, but the experience has made me more cautious of suspect behavior, and more appreciative of people who are genuine.

This post kind of took an unexpected turn on me, it was supposed to be funny and light, and it turned into a love letter, and an affirmation that I still believe in the good in people (even when they've shown me their worst sides), but I'm okay with that.

All of these men were intelligent, whether they learned their lessons from books, the streets, by events that life had thrown in their direction.  They all made me laugh and some of them have held me when I've cried.  They opened my world up to new experiences that I wouldn't trade for an easier road to follow.  I feel like if I could take the best parts of all of them and could Dr. Frankenstein them into one man, I’d be pretty close to perfect.  He’d be tall, have dark hair, light eyes, a voice that could melt ice, could play the guitar like a rock god, loves animals, educated, funny, inspiring, encouraging, someone who listens as well as tells stories, has a sense of adventure, doesn't make too much fun of my taste in music, someone who wants to share new things with me, someone I can introduce to my family…. Doesn't sound too bad does it? 

Deserving.

I read an article this morning written by a man who asserts that American women as a whole are undeserving of a "good man" because we're all one or a combination of the following: whores, gold diggers, alcoholics, we over share, we hate men, we are selfish, we cheat, we lie, we are unable to make up for past mistakes, we need to be the constant center of attention, we're jealous, petty, sluts who give it up too easily, or cold bitches who "friendzone" too quickly.

There were mixed reactions to this article (and I wish I could find it to link it). Men saying "YES!! I've been saying this for years, I finally feel validated," women saying, "Okay, I see where this is going, but I'M not like those girls," my reaction? Well I think it was too long to post in a thread.

My first reaction is that this guy must have had a long stream of bad relationships with women who weren't that into him. I find a lot of the time the self professed "Nice Guy" is anything but... just like the self professed "Sexy Chick."  If you have to announce it, if your words and deeds aren't enough, then it probably isn't true. This Nice Guy wants the "perfect woman" but admits that he's dated married women and is SHOCKED that they cheat. Maybe you shouldn't pick up on people you know are in relationships if you don't want to be involved with a cheater?

My second reaction is that while there are plenty of women who fit some or all of those descriptors above at some point in their lives, by no means are ALL women like that all of the time, and none of those negative qualities listed are gender exclusive. There are men who are all or some of those as well.  I know, I've dated some of them... BUT that doesn't mean that I believe all American men are undeserving of quality women...nor would I imply that quality men do not exist.  Quality people are not unicorns.

People are flawed, they make mistakes, that doesn't mean they're irredeemable.  Your experience is not a universal experience, except in that EVERYONE has a bad days, bad weeks, shoot I know people who have had a bad couple of years... That doesn't mean it's always going to be that way, that humans are incapable of change or that we are all monsters all the time.

Being in a relationship takes hard work, every day work, it takes trust, respect, honesty, and sometimes making hard decisions instead of the easy road.  No one ever promised that being in love was going to be easy all the time.  Sure it can come as naturally as breathing, but even breathing can prove difficult at times.

I don't think that anyone deserves a fairy tale happy ending if they aren't someone who is willing to put the work in.  Nice Guy doesn't deserve Sexy Chick simply because he's attracted to her, just like Super Tramp doesn't deserve Knight in Shining Armor because she asked. Personalities have to mesh, interests shared, stories have to be told. If you can't handle someones past, you don't deserve to be in their future.

Unfinished Business...

Unfinished business, it's something that we have all experienced at some point in our lives, maybe you have something hanging over your head at the moment.

For me the way I've felt the best about completing the business, is to just let it go. If it was going to happen, it would have already, it would have been finished in the moment.  Chasing down your high school crush on social networks and maybe even rekindling a virtual friendship hasn't worked for me, and in that I have found that I can still care for someone, and not care about picking up where we left off.

We aren't the same people we were all those years ago, our interests, our passions, the core of who we are has grown up and grown farther apart than the miles that separate us. The awkward chats that were cute and endearing in our teens are just frustrating and unsatisfying at this point.

I can still be happy for you when you're happy, I can cry with you when you're sad, I can stand by your side as your friend, and not want to lie by your side in your bed.

Tell Me What You Want (what you really really want)

Spice girls jokes aside, I think that it's important to know what you want, what is reasonable, and what you're willing to give in relationships, any relationship for that matter, not just the romantic ones.  I think it's good to know where your lines in the sand are, your deal breakers and makers if you will.

I found an old journal from last year while I was cleaning house and there was a really great (patting myself on the back here) entry about what I wanted in a relationship. I've added to it since it's discovery and now I'm ready to share it with the world.

• I'm looking for a partner in life.  I'm not looking for a boss or to take over his mother's job of raising him.
• I want someone who can make me laugh, and understands that sometimes I just need to cry.
• I am looking for someone who makes me feel safe and loved no matter what environment we're in.  I want to trust that we can make it through any situation that is tossed in our direction as long as we're together.
• I need someone who is honest with me, someone who believes in us.  Someone who doesn't find monogamy unreasonable or too demanding.
• I want someone who encourages and inspires my dreams.  Someone who values what I bring to the table, who sees me as his equal and not just entertainment.
• I want someone to share adventures with, who isn't afraid to try new things and will be eager to broaden each other's horizons.
• I don't want to worry about whether or not he'll be able to hold his temper, his alcohol, or other harmful personality traits.  I don't want to clean up drunken vomit or have to slowly back out of a room because I'm scared.
• I want to feel like I belong when I'm with him and his people whether that be his family or his friends.
• I want him to be both intelligent and educated, and to not feel intellectually intimidated by my friends, but at the same time not be a snob about it.
• Ideally I'd like him to be able to look into my eyes and see beyond my "poker face" and know how certain situations make me uncomfortable and do his best to make it better.  I realize that will take more communication on my part.  I will have to learn to open up when something bothers me instead of insisting that it's "fine" when it's not.

This list is not saying that I want him to do all the work to accommodate me and my needs only.  I know that relationships take (some times hard) work, honesty, communication, and compromise.  I know that if I want someone to be supportive of my dreams and to vanquish my fears I have to pick up my sword and be just as willing to slay some dragons for him.  I need to occasionally take the backseat and put his needs first and help him lay his insecurities to rest.

I am experienced enough to know that at this stage in the game no one comes into a relationship without some scars on their hearts and minds.  People have an uncanny ability to heal and move on, but we do so with more caution than when we started out.  Sometimes that means we are extra careful in how we treat others, sometimes it means that we hold people at a distance until trust is gained.  Often times its a combination of the two with a few other unique coping mechanisms thrown in to keep things interesting.

I'm not the girl who stares out her office window waiting for flower delivery on Valentine's Day.  A dozen red roses doesn't prove that someone loves you, it proves that they have money to burn and know how to call a florist.  Cut flowers wither and die in stagnant water and end up dropping sad petals all over your desk within a few days.  Real love is every day, and while romantic gestures are nice (and appreciated) they don't guarantee love.  The boyfriend who always bought me thoughtful gifts every time he went out of town did so because he felt guilty because he was schtooping some other broad in Southern California while to told me his was visiting his parents.  The sweetest and most thoughtful birthday present I ever received from a lover came from someone who responded to an "I love you" with a "you're confused."  I'd rather have someone show their love by being honest, caring, and someone I can count on than celebrate a silly holiday once a year.

Tell me you love me every day, prove it with your actions, and I'll do the same for you.  Make me laugh, hold me when I cry, please be patient when I'm crazy, understand that when I give my heart to you that it wasn't given lightly or without thought.

Ex Photosynthesis

When you find yourself single, or not, and you're reflecting on the caliber of people you've dated in the past sometimes you find that you've wasted a lot of oxygen talking about someone who in the long run of your life, didn't matter a whole lot. Perhaps you regret how you treated someone, or maybe the person you dated was such a monster, their entire life appears to be a waste of oxygen... either way rain forests are being murdered with all the carbon dioxide we're creating talking, breathing about people who are no longer our significant others.

The Elitist and I were discussing this very thing the other night and we thought it would be an amazing business idea to create a company (perhaps a nonprofit charity, save the trees type thing) where you can plant a tree to replace the wasted breath you've spent on a particular insignificant other. My mind took brain storming to hurricane levels and I came up with some types of plants that could be planted. Break my heart? I'm breaking ground on a Vegetation Meditation Garden to get over you, and create cleaner air for future generations, who's winning now?

Anyway, without further ado, here are some samples of trees that can be planted in honor of wasted breath. Do your part and give back to the planet already.

• A Healthier Way to Pine
• Hive-y Ivy
• Don't Bitch, Birch
• Shrubs for Flubs
• Leaves for the Left Behind
• Feeling Grappling Sapling
• Stop Being a Crab Apple
• ExMas Trees
• No More Weeping Willows
• Talk to the Palm
• You're Coconuts!
• What a Dogwood

As you can see, I'm highly amused by puns, feel free to add you're own in the comments section... or if you'd like to start a kickstarter to get this going for real, I'll let you have the idea for a small percentage of sales. 

Single isn't a Terminal Disease

I realized that this is going to be my 150th post, and I thought I should make it one that matters, something beyond pretty pictures and funny stories.  Beauty and laughter are important elements of life, but there are other things to explore as well.

Hello, my name is Lauren, I'm 32 years old, and currently not in a serious relationship.  I have no desire to sign up for any online dating services, be set up on any blind dates, or hang out in dimly lit bars to meet Mr. Right.  I don't hate men by any means, but I do not feel the need to define my life by one.

I am someone who is comfortable in her own skin.  I don’t need to be a half of a couple to be whole.  While I thoroughly enjoy being in a relationship, I also value my independence, and while I can thrive in the company of others I’m not fearful of solitude.

I’m tired of feeling that I should be sorry I didn’t get married and start a family immediately after graduation (high school or college, take your pick), and I don’t want to disparage those who chose that route, but it wasn't the road I wanted to travel.  I haven’t dated the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, let alone someone I’d want to raise children with.  That’s not to say I didn’t love some of the men I've been with, that some won’t always occupy a tiny space in my heart, but there is a reason why they are all ex-boyfriends, in the end we weren't compatible for the long run.  For me I’d rather find that out while dating, than after getting married.

I believe in true love, I believe in forever, and I believe in not settling because you’re scared of being alone.  I believe in being content with your own company, in finding great friends who will stand by your side throughout the trials and tests of time.  I believe in putting good thoughts and deeds out into the universe and that they will be repaid in time, but that often times the rewards are in the deeds themselves. 

Being single has given me the opportunity to find things that challenge me and expand my mind.  I've rediscovered a love affair with my camera and taking photos of local landscapes, it reminds me of what a beautiful part of the world I’m lucky to live in.  I have time to write without feeling rushed or like I’m being selfish with my time when I just want to be lost in my words.  I can read a book without having to hear sports in the background.  I don’t have to divide my time between the people I love and the people I tolerate because the person I love loves them.  Maybe that’s selfish or self centered, but I think it makes me a more balanced person and adds to the list of life’s experiences more than it subtracts.  I don't think you can really know someone unless you really know yourself.  How can you know yourself if you've never spent real time in your own company?

I have friends and family members that are completely baffled by me not being panicked about being single and in my 30s, and I’m equally baffled that they would rather be miserable in dysfunctional relationships than get to know themselves without their partners.  I’d rather take a hot shower, read a good book, and drift off to sleep alone than to feel the coldness of emotional distance from someone that wasn't right for me even if he was right next to me.  Sleeping alone is better than sleeping lonely with someone.

I know when I find someone to share my journey with he will be someone who values my intelligence and independence.  He will be someone who is content to travel beside me as my equal, not in front of me dragging me down his path, nor behind me being pulled down mine.  I’m not in a hurry to find him, we’ll discover each other when the time is right, whether that be tomorrow or sometime in the more distant future, maybe he’s someone I know or is a complete stranger, I don’t know what is in the cards, but I do know that I’m okay with being single.

Being in a relationship is a great feeling, but if you aren't able to appreciate yourself for you who are, no one else will either.  You don’t need to have a significant other to be significant.

High Fructose Corn Syrup

This post isn't what you think it is... this isn't a health blog, I'm not railing against the obesity epidemic or GMOs... nope, I'm just talking about guilty pleasures.

In one of my many hot tub epiphanies I discovered that some men are a lot like high fructose corn syrup... stay with me here friends... let me explain.

1. They're harmless in small doses
2. They're deceptively sweet and the more you have them the more you want them.
3. In high doses they're absolutely toxic.
4. You want them when they're gone, even though you know they're bad for you.
5. The memories you made with them always make you smile (you know you have memories of eating super sweet popsicles as a kid and running around with a Technicolor mustache... it's the same idea)

Sound familiar?

These guys are often short lived flings, you part on good terms and wish each other well when you inevitably move on, but they always hold a special little corner of your heart and mind.

They're part of growing up, learning what you like or don't like (ew green popsicles), and making memories that will last a lifetime. We should be unapologetic about our love affairs with HFCS, but try not to make them a habit, because in the long run they're all filler and no real substance.

This One Is For the Girls

Queue Martina McBride's girl anthem at any time...

If you're a regular here at Adventures you'll notice that I've tackled this subject a few times, in my first blog, in my subsequent Girl Blog posts 1 & 2, and my rants about being treated like an object, and there are more than just the ones I've linked here. Some might think that I'm repeating myself, or maybe call me a self indulgent feminist, or a ball busting frigid bitch. I don't know... I don't particularly care. I will continue to post what is in my heart and mind until the world has changed for the better, so as long as we coast along the status quo prepare yourselves for a loud, opinionated, independent woman. Consider yourselves duly warned.

 

Lessons for the New Generation of Women

• Learn to love and respect yourselves, because no one else will if you don't. If you allow others to walk all over you they will. It isn't always easy to be strong and to stand up for yourselves, but it is worth the fight.
• Be independent. This doesn't mean you shouldn't have someone helping you carry the load some times. Relationships are fantastic when they're healthy, but you should never depend on someone for your survival. Get an education, learn how to balance your checkbook, be able to cook your own meals, and pay your own bills. Forever isn't guaranteed and if that person you depended suddenly isn't there anymore it'll be easier to pick up the pieces and move on if you already have the skill sets in place.
• Be an active participant in life. If something bothers you speak out against it. If something speaks to your heart and inspires you, be vocal for it. Don't let things pass you by because you don't think you can make a difference, you'll be surprised at the sound one tiny voice can make.
• Love your sisters, and not just the biological ones. I know I've written about this before, and I probably will again, but when life gets you down there is no one in life that has your back more than a good girlfriend. She understands the emotions you're dealing with and how sometimes you just need someone to sit next to you to feel better. She understands the need for silence as much as the need to scream. Men can be fantastic support systems for the women they love, but they don't always understand that it takes more than a minute to be okay and that sometimes you have to cry and be angry before you get back to being your normal self. Your girls will understand because they have been there.
• Don't let your dreams be trampled on. So many times I see woman give up things that they love for other's hopes and dreams... or even worse because they feel their dreams aren't logical.  Maybe your dream was to be the next American Idol, but you can't carry a tune in a bucket...that doesn't mean you should stop singing all together. Sing your heart out whenever you get the chance. Maybe you wanted to be an artist, but your work isn't selling and you need to pay the bills, so go get that job that will keep your bank account in the black, but make sure you have the time to create, even if it's just for yourself. I think we've all gotten lost from time to time, but if you don't figure out some sort of outlet to make yourself happy and content you'll just be filled with resentment and that's no way to live life.
• Don't be afraid of your mistakes. Nothing teaches you how to grow and be better than falling down a few times. Every scar has it's own story, you can choose to heal or to pick at the scabs and bleed forever. Failing builds more character than winning, and it's best to learn early in life how to deal with sadness and defeat than to have life kick you in the teeth as an adult and to not know how to deal.
• Develop a good poker face and never let your enemies see you sweat. This world is tough, you have to be tougher. I'm not saying emotions are bad and should be hidden, but sometimes reading a situation and thinking about your reaction can help you out more than a spontaneous outburst.
• It's not shameful to ask for help. This doesn't counter my independence stance at all, it's impossible to do everything and to please everyone. There are occasions where you need to  call in for back up, to delegate, and to take off your superwoman cape and to let someone else save the day. This doesn't mean you're weak or incapable, just that you're strong and smart enough to know when to say "enough is enough."
• Define yourself.... even if you haven't figured life out yet. Be comfortable in your own skin, it's the only one you're ever going to get. If you don't want people to think of you as a "mean girl" don't be a mean girl. You don't want to be seen as a doormat? Don't let people walk all over you. It's not always as easy as that, but if you want to be perceived (or don't want to be) as a certain type of person you have to figure out a way to become that person.
• Check your baggage at the door. This is super hard, not even going to try to deny it, but if you don't let the new people in your life speak for themselves and are constantly comparing them to people of your past (good or bad) you'll never get to really know the person standing in front of you.
• No one is entitled to anything. Ever. Grow up, get a job and be responsible, just because you want something doesn't make it yours until you earn it. Same thing with people, just because you want someone (or they want you) you have to earn your place in their life (or they have to earn a place in yours). It isn't hard to get that spot, be kind, be honest and trustworthy, be supportive when someone needs you, be a good friend.

The more I read through this I realize that it isn't just good advice and wishes for the girls growing up in today's society, but it's good for everyone. I realize that some of the bullet points are easier to follow than others, and you can't do all of them all the time, but as long as their in your thoughts and are things you strive for on a regular basis you'll become a strong individual.

I'll leave you with this today, there is no bigger insult than someone telling you that you're boring and forgettable. Make your mark and carve your name in the history of the world.

Girl Blog: 2 of 3 Looking for a Few Good Men

I know initially my plan for my 3 part girl series was going to focus on the political issues surrounding being a woman in 2012, but I changed my mind. If you are interested in all the legislation surrounding vaginas as of late I urge you to check out UniteWomen.Org there is a lot of great information there and a lot of hard working women that are fighting the good fight to protect our rights as adults who are capable of making our own decisions about our bodies, lives, and families. Its not that I don't find the issues at hand extremely important, the evasiveness disturbing, and the unbalanced nature of health care coverages appalling, its just that I think that they can do a much better job of explaining everything without resorting to name calling than I can.

I have decided that since I had the rant about how hard it is to be a woman these days, I thought I'd try my hand at a counterpoint. Not necessarily a post about how "its equally hard to be a man" or "why are all the good ones taken" or "what the fuck has happened to the Y chromosome?" just some thoughts and ideas about the men of 2012, the good, the bad, and crazy.

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

A couple of weeks ago I went downtown to go dancing with some of my girlfriends, and looking around all the dance floors we invaded I couldn't help but wonder where all the "Guy's Guys" were.  Every boy we saw had a deep v-neck, over gelled hair, and a boy BFF to grind on.  I couldn't figure out if it was the last night of Pride, if all the men in town were overly in touch with their feminine sides, or if I was just finally too old to party in a college town. I remember leaning over to one of my friends and saying wistfully "Remember the days when men weren't so secure in their masculinity and would sit a seat apart at the movies and would lean up against the wall in a club until a girl that they wanted to dance with walked by? I miss those days." I know that sounds mean. I know. Its a double standard... Girls grind on each other all the time and its cute and fun, if I demand equal treatment from men, I should be prepared to grant them equal treatment. The thing is, if I was able to be attracted to someone who behaved just like me, I'd be checking out the skirts myself.

I read an article on Jezebel.com this morning that was about how we as a society need to redefine the term "manly" it was written in response to a NY Times article stating that men need to rediscover their inner Don Draper. I think they both have valid points and that they are both silly at the same time. Maybe we do need to redefine what it means to be manly, but defining it as a male who gets manicures/pedicures and his chest and eyebrows waxed isn't going to do it for me. Give me Paul Bunyan over Paulie D any day of the week. I like that the general hygiene of males has significantly evolved since cro-magnum days, but I don't want to share my make up remover with my lover. I want to feel safe and secure with my guy, I want to know that even though I can take care of myself, he wants to take care of me (I'll be loving and supportive of him, I want that in return). I like guys with calloused hands, who are gainfully employed, guys who will open the door for me, who respect me and my opinions (even if said opinions differ from theirs), laugh at awkward situations, are secure in their own skin, and don't need to be drunk to have a good time. The rest of the stuff is just details. Doesn't seem like a lot to ask for.

What I don't want is someone who lives on his parents' couch, who's never had a real job, and would rather get loaded than become a contributing member of society. I'm not in college anymore, that is no longer how I define what it takes to be a man. Pay your bills, show up to work on time, and have your own place (or at the very least have roommates that didn't participate in your conception). Also? Have a valid driver's license; DUIs aren't sexy. They don't make you look cool, they make you irresponsible. I'm not saying you have to drive a Ranger Rover, but you won't be impressing anyone if you roll up on a BMX.

I guess my best definition of what a man is to me is some who has outgrown his little boy stage, someone who loves his mama, but doesn't need her to cook him dinner every night.

Please Don't Accuse me of Emotional Terrorism
I had an ex years ago who would say mean things to me, make me cry, and then accuse me of using my tears to make him feel bad. He called me a manipulative emotional terrorist, because my reaction to his asshole behavior was to be vulnerable.

Emotions are not a bad thing. Be emotional, at least its real. Don't be a jerk and expect me not to react. If you're sad, stressed, upset, happy, whatever, let me know, don't be the King of Stoicism and think that I'll be able to read your mind and understand what you're going through. I'm not telepathic, but I want to be there for you, it's your job to decide if you're going to let me.

I'm Sorry if I'm Sending Mixed Messages
I know women say they want a man to be able to be vulnerable with them, but get weirded out if their man cries around them. It is a weird moment, but that doesn't mean it's bad. I'm glad that you trust me enough to let your guard down.

Just because I like kissing you, doesn't mean I'm ready to be naked friends with you. Kissing is fun and playful, but I might not be ready for the kind of emotional attachment that sex might bring. One does not necessarily lead to the other. I might not ever be ready to be naked with you just because I really like kissing you. It might not even be you're fault that I'm not ready for sex. The last person I was with hurt me pretty bad and I had rushed into sex with him before I knew where I stood and I'm a little gun shy. I understand that these are my issues and I shouldn't punish you for other men's sins, but it's still my body and my feelings and I don't know that I want to share them yet. You have the option to be patient with me, or you can walk, but please don't try to pressure me into having sex because you think I'm being a tease.

I know you're out there--you can't just exisit in my imagination, because what would be the purpose of having all these feelings if I can't share them. I guess it's just my turn to be patient.

Lessons in Loving Mr. Wrong

This started out as something much longer, I had explanations under every header at least four or five sentences long, it ended up being roughly four pages long, and I felt like it was less meaningful.  I started talking in circles and was getting so philosophical that I lost my way.  Instead I’m just going to list the lessons I’ve learned over the years of loving the wrong men, because after all there hasn’t been just one Mr. Wrong. 

Now it is not my intention to bash all the men I’ve dated or had feelings for, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and I’m willing to accept responsibility for any part I’ve played in hearts getting broken.  That being said, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself, and a few coping mechanisms on how to deal with a bruised ego, broken heart, and oceans of tears.

I’ve learned that once someone gets in your heart, really deep in there, they never really get out, and that it isn’t always the curse it might feel like initially.  I’ve learned to accept responsibility for my own actions, but to also place blame where it is due.  I know that in plenty of dating situations I’ve given all that I could, that I’ve done everything in my power to make it work, but I also know that there have been times where I wasn’t invested enough to put the effort in to have a successful partnership.

Now that I’ve gotten the disclaimer out of the way, here goes the list of lessons learned.

1.       Don’t Forget To Love Yourself

2.      Sharing Is Great, When You Both Share

3.      If It Feels One Sided It Probably Is.

4.      If You Want To Be Treated Honorably, Behave Honorably

5.      Listen To Your Gut And Your Friends (even when you don’t feel like following their advice)

6.      Don’t Beat Yourself Up Over An Ended Relationship

7.      Recognize That It Ended For A Reason (this is when logic trumps emotion)

8.      Holding A Grudge Doesn’t Solve Any Problems

9.      Just Because You Have A History Doesn’t Mean You Have A Future

10.  It Is Not Possible To Love Someone Enough For Both Of You

11.  Settling For Less Than What Makes You Happy Makes You Resentful

12.  Loving Someone And Being In Love Are On Different Planets.

13.  Just Because His Family/Friends/Pets Fit, Doesn’t Mean He Does

14. Stop Chasing Someone Who Doesn't Want To Be Caught.

15.  You Can’t Fix Someone Who Doesn’t Know He’s Broken

16.  Know When To Lace Up Your Walking Shoes

17.  Time Really Is The Only Healer

Some of you may notice that my list is ripe with clichés and I won’t deny it.  There are reasons you have heard a lot of these things every time you get hurt, they are all true. Some are easier to deal with than others and you won’t believe any of them until you experience them for yourself.  I didn’t learn these lessons in any particular order, nor do they have an order of importance, and I know there is a lot more left for me to learn about love and relationships.  I am in no way ready to give up on finding love and Mr. Right, but I am learning to be more careful about who I give my heart to.