Dream State Escalate: 48

Last night's dream/nightmare was so bad. SO BAD. SO INCREDIBLY BAD. Enough where I grabbed onto my BF like my life depended on it and started reciting prayers from back in my CCD days to pull the darkness out of my eyes as if my soul depended on it.

Now the dream...

We were working at a winery event as we have done a few times in the past together when this really upset/disheveled strange woman rushes up to us and tries to force a Tupperware container full of a strange looking meat at my BF, she keeps insisting through her tears that he has to cook it and eat it immediately.  I stand between them and try to take the container away from her and the thing burns my hand like it's covered in acid.  I set it on a table behind us and demand that she tell us what it is.

She starts sobbing how she didn't mean to do it, how she couldn't stop herself, but the voices in her head told her she had to make a sacrifice.  She killed her dog, a bull terrier, by luring it outside on a patio and slitting it's throat then taking it's tongue... that's what was in the container.  She knew that she had done wrong, that she had betrayed her best friend, 1st by killing him when he had done nothing wrong, 2nd by leaving him to die alone and in pain.  She wanted to pass the demon that had possessed her on by making my BF unwittingly eat her "sacrifice." I told her that there was NO WAY he was going to consume that and that we needed to bury it on consecrated grounds.  That she had to bring her dog and the pieces she had cut from him and we had to bury it at the church where the demon couldn't follow.

I woke up as the last shovel of dirt buried the dog completely, but I couldn't see clearly, it was like there was a black fog in the room trying to block my eyes. I couldn't remember the words to the prayers, but I figured the plea for help and my intentions would have to be good enough.  I held on to BF and my dog and just waited for my eyes to clear.  Eventually I was able to go back to sleep, but it was a restless night.  I don't know what was going on but it was enough to still give me chills when I think about it.

Dream State Escalate: 47

Last night's dream was troubling, and left me feeling off kilter this morning.

I was at my mom's house and the family's dog was really sick and ended up dying.  During his death, some sort of weird magic started happened and my brother (who has been dead for slightly more than 5 years) walked into the kitchen as his 15 year old self.  Somehow in losing our dog, I got my brother back and he got a do over?

I'm not sure how it worked... dreams don't have to make sense to feel real.

I just woke up missing him so much, and being so sad that there isn't enough magic in the world to bring him back, or to give second chances.

Also it was depressing because Jesse (the dog) is getting older, more frail, and is probably not going to be with us much longer, I'd be surprised if he saw another Christmas, maybe another Labor day, but I'm not sure about another winter.

Dream State Escalate: 46

I know, I haven't posted in my dream journal in almost 6 months... and it isn't that I haven't been dreaming or that they aren't noteworthy, it's more that my time feels more limited.  I haven't posted as much anywhere in my blog, as I have in years past.  Hopefully in the New Year, I'll make more time and post more frequently.  Until then, here's my dream from last night:

I owned a bakery/restaurant, called "Plated," that specialized in desserts that looked like other foods.  Our biggest seller was what we called the "Steak Plate" it featured a red velvet cake that was decorated to look like a t-bone steak (rare), a scoop of vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce (to look like mashed potatoes and gravy), and a pile of green mini M&Ms (a side of peas).  The other big ticket item were white chocolate "fried eggs."

I woke up so inspired. Now I want to get in the kitchen and start baking some Christmas confections, too bad I have to work.

Bucket List

I keep seeing things about people's bucket lists and thought I'd try my hand at my own list... While I don't have a terminal disease like the viral lists that have been popping up in my news feed, I figure it's always good to have goals, and to not be afraid to dream a little bigger (darling).

• Travel More
• Europe
• Visit the Louvre
• Go to Greece
• Ride in a gondola in Italy
• See the Tower of London
• The Coliseum in Rome
• The beaches in the South of France
• Drink wine in a Cafe in France
• Visit the island my grandmother was born in in the Azores
• Visit Ireland
• Stonehenge
• Australia
• Sydney Opera House
• The Great Barrier Reef
• The Outback
• High Five a Kangaroo
• Spend significant time staying in New Orleans
• Go back to the Big Island of Hawaii
• Go to NYC 
• see a play ON BROADWAY
• Central Park
• Statue of Liberty
• Radio City Music Hall
• Middle America
• meet some awesome internet friends I've made over the years, I'd love to see you in person at least once or twice in my lifetime.
• Pacific Northwest
• Seattle
• Portland
• Chicago... and taste test the difference between Chicago Pizza and New York Pizza and declare a winner once and for all.
• Write a novel (or maybe finish one of the many I've started)
• See Green Day in concert
• Take a digital photography class and really learn how to use my camera to it's abilities and become a better hobbyist photographer.
• Find a career that grows me, instead of just having a job to pay the bills
• See the big waves at Mavericks
• Find new favorite places
• Sing Karaoke with Taylor Swift
• just seeing if you're paying attention
• Go to a Spurs basketball game, a Cowboys football game
• Learn how to decorate cakes/cupcakes beyond my current skill levels
• Have a house with a library/art studio in it
• pay off credit card debt, so that my family isn't stuck with extra bills
• goals can be responsible ones too 
• Learn to be spontaneous (Can you do that? Is it like planning to be unpredictable?)
• Learn to truly forgive, forget, and let go of old drama

I know this list is far from finished, and some of the goals are loftier than others, but what's the point of having dreams if they have to be based in reality? 

I plan on adding to this as I come up with more ideas and crossing off items that I complete as time wears on. 

Dream State Escalate: 45

Had a dream that I was back in school again and had missed a few classes. The assignment was to discuss the movie Apollo 13 and the marketing strategies used when it was released. I was totally panicked because I hadn't seen the film since it's release and couldn't remember anything beyond "Houston we have a problem."

Also my desk chair was sized for a kindergartner and I couldn't see over my desk since I was sitting so low.

Dream State Escalate: 44

Ever have one of those dreams where you wake up so mad at the person who co-starred with you, that you want to call them up and scream at them or send them a sternly worded email? I had one of those last night.

Last night/early this morning I had a dream where my brother and I were house-sitting for my parents while they were out of town. I was taking care of their injured (he's fine in real life) dog, and I don't know what my brother was doing there.

Anyway... he decided to have a massive party with lots of, shall we say "loose" women (not to slut shame or anything, but these bitches were haggard). I told them all to get the fuck out of my house... they would not. I told my brother he couldn't have parties at the house, and hanging out with all those skanks was disrespectful to his girlfriend that he lived with. He said she had been hanging out with other guys, so it was only fair. I told him "hey, if you want to date other women, that's your business... but you need to break up with her, move out, and THEN you can start banging hoes...BUT YOU DON'T GET TO DO IT HERE." He didn't respond favorably, and instead invited MORE people, dangerous people over.

I caught them trying to steal my parents and my belongings... I finally locked myself and the dog in one of the guest bedrooms, but they kept trying to fight their way in. One even threw an grenade (my dreams are very imaginative) at us... I threw it back, and slammed the door closed, when it exploded, it destroyed the ceiling, the tile, and some of the walls in the hallway, but the door and my room stayed intact. (weird). I went outside and told all the girls that my brother had a girlfriend and he was just playing them, and they were like "what a jerk... oh well" and still wouldn't leave. I called the cops and they told me it was not their problem.

Finally I woke up.... seething.

Dream State Escalate: 43

I know, I KNOW, it's been months since I've kept track of my dreams... and that doesn't mean I haven't been dreaming, it's just been more that once I wake up and am coherent enough to log them, they're so jumbled and fuzzy that I don't remember enough to post. They're weird as all get out, but I'm just left with a lingering feeling of WTF with no real explanations.

Then there are the horribly typical dreams of teeth falling out that everyone has and I just don't feel like posting those.

Last night/this morning made me want to write.

DIERKS BENTLEY was playing in concert in my parents' dining room. FOR REALS. I had won a "Kitchen Concert" contest and that meant that I could invite as many people as I could fit in the house to hang out with Dierks and he'd play music, tell stories, and just be AWESOME all day.

The only draw back was I couldn't decide what to wear and I missed a bit of the show because I kept changing my clothes/shoes/make up...

Dream State Escalate: 42

early this morning I was awakened by a nightmare that made me sit up, get out of bed, turn every light in my studio apartment on, and make sure all my locks and deadbolts were firmly in place.... and even then I wasn't so sure that it was okay to turn the lights back off for at least another hour.

in hindsight the dream wasn't that bad as far as my vivid scary dreams have been in the past, but I still woke up in a cold sweat. In the dream I had been driving through my grandmother's old neighborhood, the one she lived in while I was growing up, often times my dream state takes me back to this house, this neighborhood. Anyway as I was slowing my car getting closer to her house, I saw that she was backing out of the garage in her old car (I don't think she's had this car in more than a decade) and that she was on her way to work (she retired more than 15 years ago) so I kept driving so that she wouldn't be late to work. I was super anxious in the dream so I decided to go to Starbucks to get some herbal tea to calm my nerves (don't judge, it's a dream). On my way to the coffee shop I got stopped at a red light on the bad side of town and I felt someone kicking the back of my seat... so hard that it adjusted my seat forward, I reached around behind the seat feeling around to see what could have jostled me and felt someone's legs. I jumped out of the car in the middle of what was now fairly busy traffic and started beating on the person who was hiding out in my car, I was screaming for help and trying to get the other driver's attention so we could get who ever was in my car out, except no one would help, they were just honking because the light had turned green and I was blocking them.

when I woke up my left hand was super sore (it still is) like I had been fighting (or what I'd assume it would feel like anyway).

Dream State Escalate: 41

I know it's been a really long time (months maybe?) since I posted here in the dream journal, and it's not that I haven't been dreaming, it's more that by the time I get to a computer to type it out the details fade, I get busy, or life and work get in the way.

Last night's dream was bittersweet. I was at my grandmother's house from my childhood (she moved 10+ years ago) and my little brother walked in the door. My brother that has been dead for 4 years. He came home, he was back... and not a raised from the dead, can't be in the sunlight because he's a vampire back, he was real and here. I was so surprised I put a cast iron skillet in the microwave and turned it on.  No worries though, it was just a couple of seconds and I didn't burn the house down. The whole family was shocked to find out that it was all a terrible mistake and he had been in hiding (the reason was never clear) for the past few years.

I also had a dream that I was a Broadway star and was playing Roxy in Chicago. During intermission we would go out (in character) to the lobby and teach dance moves to the kids at the performances, as I was dancing and singing with a little girl, a young woman in the concessions line started heckling me, and I stormed over (in really tall stilettos) and had her thrown out of the theatre. Because Roxy Hart is badass. Apparently.

Dream State Update: 2

These days my dreams have been fleeting. I don't remember much with I wake up... and sleeping during "normal" hours has been tough. It seems like when I turn off the lights and settle in for the night my brain kicks into high gear and starts thinking about all the things I don't really want to think about. Like is that knocking noise someone at my door, or is it my fridge (it's always the refrigerator), what are those noises outside? Is someone breaking in or are the alley cats playing an intense game of tag (it's always the cats). For the first time in my adult life I'm staying up late, not because I'm watching a great movie or I'm drawn in to an amazing book, but because turning off the lights has started filling me with anxiety.

I've lived alone for close to 3 years now, I enjoy my privacy and my personal space, and yet now it's becoming slightly claustrophobic, the walls are closing in on me.

Saturday night I was up until 2:30-3:00 am cleaning house like I had company coming over.... because the thought of calling it a night caused my blood to run cold.

What is happening in my dreams at night that I don't want to face them?

Dream State Escalate: 40

Hollyweird invaded my dreams again last night..

Last night I had a dream that my BFF Charlie Day (from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) set me up on a date with Jason Segel (How I Met Your Mother/Forgetting Sarah Marshall/5 Year Engagement)... this date was a disaster of epic proportions. Jason kept speaking in the third person and calling himself "Prima" because he thought it meant "Prime" or the best... I told him it meant "female cousin" arguments ensued an I finally told him to "google translate it then bitch" (giggles, I'm an asshole apparently)... which he did, then got really silent, and said... I guess I need a new catch phrase.

Umm yeah.

So after the disaster date, I went to Charlie's house to complain and I found my long lost glasses, they were on his coffee table all along.

(now if I could only find them in real life).

 

Dream State Escalate: 39

The recurring nightmare of working at my college job resurfaced with a vengeance last night.

I had started working there as a part time job to supplement my income and had informed management that since it was a second job that I would only be available to work weekends since I already had a 40 hour a week M-F job that I couldn't take time off from to work part-time somewhere else, and they agreed to my requirements.

One morning I opened my email (this is how they were now sending out schedules) to find that I had missed several shifts, because they sent out the current week's schedule mid-week, and had scheduled me during weekdays (which they knew I would not be available for). I had a major confrontation with management, and they told me that if I couldn't be committed to working when they scheduled me, that I couldn't work there anymore. So I said my goodbyes and stormed out of the store... but not before I cast a spell (of some sort, I'm still unclear as to what it's outcome was supposed to be) on the shop.

As I was walking (stomping) to my car I noticed a cute skater boy leaning up against the wall of the building and we ended up walking to the arcade and making out... When it was time for me to leave a security guard stopped me and pulled me into their office. He asked me for my name and if I was related to Alfred, I said that I was his granddaughter, but that he had passed away many years ago. The man said that he knew, and had always felt guilty about cheating him out of thousands of dollars and he wanted to make it right. So he handed me a thick roll of $100 bills and told me to keep it. I argued about it, asked him if I should give it to my grandmother, and in the end he told me that it had always been intended for me and that I needed to keep it.

...guess I didn't need the second job after all?

Dream State Escalate: 38

ugh. last. night.

The dream itself in the moment wasn't bad or scary...but when I woke up and started thinking about it, it left me cold. 100% nightmare.

The dream started off at my parents' house I was visiting with my mom and she suggested that I go to this new boutique in the town she lives in... at the golf course that the evil ex works at... I explain to her that I'm "not allowed" there, her response was that unless he had a restraining order against me, there was nothing blocking me from shopping at this awesome store, so with complete trepidation I go, I find a few things that I like and I'm setting them aside, my mom was going to buy them as a birthday gift for me, she just wanted me to pick them out, and I'm thinking that I'm really lucky that I've been there for hours and haven't bumped into Him... of course as I'm thinking this, he comes around the corner... I think that maybe he didn't see me, so I duck behind my hair and start to leave. No such luck... he just pretends that he doesn't see me and is talking to his friend REALLY LOUD about how thankful he is that is single again and ready to move on with someone new. I turn around and start walking as fast as I can in the opposite direction, except I can't walk that fast because I sprain my knee in the about face. He notices that I'm no longer behind him and comes up to me to help me and we go sit in the back of a movie theater (magic how those things randomly appear in a dream) and we start talking and catching up. He puts his arm around my shoulders and I snuggle in close like I belong there. He tells me that I'm the reason that him and his ex broke up and were always fighting. I start to protest because I haven't spoken to him in over a year, long before him and his girl got together. He explains that it wasn't anything that I did, it was that she wasn't me, she didn't understand him, and when he lost me, he lost his best friend... and he wanted us to try again. Then an usher from the theater comes and yells at us for talking during the lecture (I guess it wasn't a movie house after all) and that we needed to leave. So we get up and leave the theater and walk to an adorable little outdoor bistro and order glasses of wine (and I distinctly remember it being 10:30 in the morning) and reminiscing about our good times together and how we were looking forward to trying to be a "real couple" instead of the friends with benefits that we were before.

I was so happy and felt like I was finally where I needed to be.

Except how could that be? Because ugh. It was one of the most unhealthy relationships of my life. Probably top 3. Definitely top 3. How could that be what makes me happy? Dysfunction in the extreme. I feel like my brain needs a bleach bath.

Dream State Escalate: 37

So much crazy in one dream last night...

It started out that I had gone to the movies with my brother, it was a late night show and I was tired and I kept trying to lean up against him to go to sleep and he kept yelling at me that I was the one who wanted to come to see the film and I better keep my ass awake {oh brothers...} so I got up to go to the concession stand to get some food and drinks to keep myself from nodding off... and the lines were crazy long so I went to a different stand in the Cineplex...but they were closing so I had to get a sealed bag of ready made popcorn and a canned soda.  When I finally got back to the theater I had missed the first few minutes of the show and as my bro was catching me up everything morphed into a theatre/classroom, like there was a huge stage and desks. All of a sudden I'm in the front row of a play in which Mark Wahlberg is the star and it's a musical... then the instructor comes out and hands everyone a huge bundle for our mid-term exams. I start to panic because I haven't been to class... well ever, and have no clue how I'll pass, I don't even know what subject was being taught.  To my great luck, I open the packed and the whole test is based on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and True Blood. Golden. I was golden. A+ for Lauren.

Then I woke up in a cold sweat, had soaked my pjs and sheets. LOL I guess all that test stress was real.

Dream State Escalate: 36

I know it's been awhile since I've posted in the dream journal, and it's not so much that I haven't been dreaming, it's been that they continue to be disjointed and I don't remember them long enough to get more than an sentence or two on the screen.

Over the weekend I kept dreaming that I was travelling all over the world, but had no money for necessities, like food and lodging... and my friends were really upset that I couldn't pay $550 a plate for spaghetti in Italy. Or $40 for a slice of pizza in Las Vegas. Personally I think my friends were acting like assholes because they knew I couldn't afford it and they still insisted that we go to those places... also if the sommelier keeps pouring you wine that you didn't order or ask to be refilled, still expect to pay that $100 tab for 3 glasses of table red. Le sigh.

Last night I had one of my reoccurring dreams/nightmares that involved my former stepmother... I don't know why she pops up just to unsettle me at least once a month... apparently she likes haunting me even if she isn't dead. Anyway last night wasn't so much of a nightmare as it was annoying. She showed up at my house and was telling me that I needed to forgive her for all the chaos she caused my family four years ago, that she wasn't the same person, that I needed to "let go of the hate" so that we could be friends again.  I looked her straight in the eye and told her "Bitch please, we were never friends, it doesn't matter if you've changed, and I don't hate you. You mean nothing to me, you're a stranger, and that is how I would like to keep it. I don't wish any bad things to happen to you, I just don't want to know you. Now please leave my house."

I've told her as much 4.5 years ago when she was stalking my facebook page and trying to get me to be "friends" with her... I left off the bitch part, but basically told her to leave me alone that I didn't want to be friends, in a polite, if cold, manner. I don't think there is anything unresolved between us, so I don't know why when I'm stressed about life or whatever that she invades my dreams... I can't decide if it's better or worse than the reoccurring nightmares of working at the Surf Shop from my college days. At least in these dreams I stand up for myself and tell her what I think, which doesn't happen in the college job dreams... maybe my mind is just crazy.

Dream State Escalate: 35

Last night I was on the verge of an anxiety attack all night. Maybe slept 4 hours, maybe. I even tried to go to bed about an hour earlier than normal, but I tossed and turned forever it seemed like. My dreams are already weird but in that sort of stressful environment they go to a whole new level.

The dream that stood out the most and is still relatively in one piece in my mind now that I'm awake is this one. I was an elementary school teacher in Texas and Jenny The Bloggess Lawson's daughter Hailey was in my class. I had to call J because her kid had been misbehaving quite frequently and had been disrupting the class (I'm sure she's a great kid in real life). Anyway Jenny had agreed to come to class to monitor Hailey. When she came in she had a giant blanket and swaddled her daughter like a baby!! She then sat in the back of the classroom sipping her coffee like nothing had happened. Did I mention she was wearing curlers and her bathrobe?

Jenny if you read this I hope it's okay that I grabbed that pic from the Internet, it's just exactly how you looked in my dream.

Dream State Escalate: 34

Last night's dream was really short, but traumatic.... in a sense I guess. I mean I didn't wake up crying, but I was tense and exhausted.

The dream consisted of me being really upset and on the phone with the Evil Ex from Texas... I don't know why I'd be speaking to him, we haven't communicated since 2007 when we broke up, he's married and we've both moved on with our lives... in real life. In the dream we were on the phone and I don't know why I was upset, as a lot of dreams tend to do, this one started in the middle of the story. Anyway I was crying about something to him and he said, "babe, you need to come home and stop running from this, you belong here in Texas with me."

Then I woke up.

Dream State Escalate: 33

Maybe I shouldn't complain about my dreams being jumbled and hard to remember...maybe I should look at it as a break from the mayhem...because last night was a doozy. I've been away for 3 hours and I'm still completely shaken by my dream.

Last night the dream started that my cousin, featured in the photo above had accidentally overdosed on some painkillers and died... the rest of the dream was trying to cope with it, and lets just say I didn't cope well. I started hooking up with an ex's good friend, and didn't care who saw or found out. The family's beloved pet polar bear (idk where my brain comes up with this stuff) couldn't get himself out of the water after he went for a swim off our house's back deck (apparently in dream land my family owns a waterfront house in polar bear country) and drowned all scratched up and bloody, basically shark bait... my mom wouldn't let me go in to rescue him because, well, he's a ginormous bear and would probably kill me while I tried to save him...not to mention the circling sharks... if I didn't drown along with the bear, I'd get eaten by JAWS.

Dream State: Update 1

My dreams have been so disjointed lately... to the point where I don't remember enough of them to make a post that will be longer than "I was hanging out at my evil ex's (not to be confused with my most recent ex) house and it seemed like we were BFFs and I woke up feeling weird" or "had that recurring nightmare when I work at the surf shop again...odd" so I haven't been posting... and even that feels not right.

Last night was the first night in what feels like weeks where I actually slept through the night without waking up and tossing and turning for hours (or what feels like hours)... it's probably no small coincidence that last night was also the first night in MONTHS that I've exercised at all after work. This might be a key to my mental and physical health... I also noticed that my vertigo wasn't as bad as it has been when it was time for bed.

Looks like it's time for some new habits and this time of the healthy variety.

Rice Ranch Community Park
Went for a trail walk here last night, it's awesome.

Dream State Escalate: 32

Last night...

In my dreams I was driving to LAX to meet my family to go to Hawaii on vacation. I'm not sure why we took separate cars but we did. At some point near Los Angeles I get in a car accident and drive my car off a bridge (in real life there are no bridges quite like the one in the dream). The dream keeps rewinding at the point of the accident until I'm able to survive the wreckage. The car always crashes and goes over the bridge but I eventually am able to walk away unscathed and am able to get to the airport without missing my flight.