#aftersexselfie

it's okay to keep reading, I'm not going to actually post a photo... just a little commentary on the phenomenon that struck social media a couple months ago... yeah, I'm late to the game... no I'm not participating (or even really sitting on the sidelines cheering people on).

Anyway... when I started hearing about the hashtag trending over social media I was dumbfounded. Not only was I unable to comprehend why it was trending, I was sad that the world is turning into a place where there is no privacy, nothing is special, and there is no real one on one intimacy anymore, we have literally invited the world into our bed. Why would anyone want to share that? Why would anyone want to see that? Are you REALLY so connected to your online persona that after sex that the first thing you think of is photographically documenting it for prosperity and public consumption? Seriously... why?????

Then one morning I got it. Well a tiny part of it anyway.  I still don't understand the need to share that moment with the masses, but what I totally 100% understand is the want to preserve that feeling of intimacy.  I can completely wrap my mind around wanting to have visual evidence of that perfect moment.  Everyone has bad days and maybe having an opportunity to look back on a time when you felt that fantastic could cure even the worst moods. 

Then the cold hard truth of reality sets in and I think about the birds nest my hair probably is, the makeup smeared all over my face, and remember exactly why some moments are better lived than captured in digital pixels forever. I love retreating to fantasy land and relive those feelings just like anyone else would, thankfully I have a vivid imagination and don't need a photo app to remember.

What Not To Say...

I've noticed that a lot of articles about "10 Things Not To Say To _____________ (married people, single people, people with kids, your significant other, people with newborns, people without children, people of different ethnic backgrounds, people with or without pets, people who are people)" are popping up all over social media and all I've taken away from these articles is that people are too sensitive, whiny, and self important.

seriously, don't

If you followed all those "rules" you wouldn't be able to say anything to anyone.  I feel like if you can't say things to your friends, who can you talk to?  Strangers? That's a different story, unsolicited advice from someone you don't know is rarely welcomed.

Yeah, it's annoying when you're single and someone asks "Hey... when are you going to find the right person and settle down?" Like the right person is sitting on a shelf in the grocery store waiting to be picked up with your box of pasta, or when you're dating someone you really like and the questions like "So... when are you going to get married?" start... then you walk down an aisle exchange rings and then people think it's okay to start interrogating you about when the babies are going to arrive, if you've invested enough in your 401K, or once you do hear the pitter patter of small kids people tell you how to raise them, pepper you with questions about college funds and prep schools, and it seems like you can't win.

Here's the thing... and it's something I have to remind myself when I'm getting annoyed... people are asking because they care, because they're trying to help, because they're hoping someone can benefit from their experiences... not because they're sadistic assholes trying to bring your sleep deprived state to the brink of craziness and then push you over the Cliffs of Insanity. Your friends and loved ones want you to be happy, they want to be involved in your life, they want to help in ways that they know how.  Sure it might not be what you want to hear, maybe you'd rather have them bring you a casserole or scrub a toilet for you, or maybe hold the baby so you can shower, or take the dog for a loop around the neighborhood, you know as long as they don't set you up on a blind dates or sign you up for a dating site without your permission.

My suggestions? (in less than 10 bullet points)

• Grow a thicker skin (yeah, that's a douchey thing to say, but it doesn't make it less true)
• If you want to help a friend, instead of putting in your two cents worth of advice maybe ask them "How can I help you?" or "What do you need?" or "This worked for me... maybe it would work for you" instead of "HEY! You're doing it wrong MY WAY is the ONLY WAY"
• Recognize that the world is bigger than you and your experiences... and that life doesn't have to be a competition.
• Don't touch a stranger without permission (don't pet someones hair because you think it's pretty, pregnant bellies are not public property, and not all dogs like unfamiliar people) 
• Intentions matter, even if the road to hell is paved with good ones.  Meaning if someone is trying to be helpful and nice, don't look for reasons to be angry about it.  If someone is being an asshole, then respond accordingly.
• Think about what you're about to say before opening your mouth. If it sounds offensive, it probably is.  Trust me any sentence that starts with "I'm not trying to be {insert word here}, but ________" you are accomplishing that very thing without even trying. Same thing goes for "Just saying...." or "No offense, but....." 
• Understand that different tactics work for different people, and what might be awesome for you might be the worst thing ever for someone else.  You do you, let them do them. 
• Basically treat other people the way you'd like to be treated, no matter how different they may be from you.  We learned this in kindergarten, let's apply it to real life.

Unfinished Business...

Unfinished business, it's something that we have all experienced at some point in our lives, maybe you have something hanging over your head at the moment.

For me the way I've felt the best about completing the business, is to just let it go. If it was going to happen, it would have already, it would have been finished in the moment.  Chasing down your high school crush on social networks and maybe even rekindling a virtual friendship hasn't worked for me, and in that I have found that I can still care for someone, and not care about picking up where we left off.

We aren't the same people we were all those years ago, our interests, our passions, the core of who we are has grown up and grown farther apart than the miles that separate us. The awkward chats that were cute and endearing in our teens are just frustrating and unsatisfying at this point.

I can still be happy for you when you're happy, I can cry with you when you're sad, I can stand by your side as your friend, and not want to lie by your side in your bed.

Monsters at Your Door

I used to be a fan/page member of several pages on Facebook that provided me with a wealth of news articles that weren't always top loaded on my news.google.com feed. Most of these pages were centered around women's rights and promoting equality for minorities. They used to have a lot of really great information.  They were indignant when many politicians were talking about doing whatever they could to take away women's legal rights for particularly controversial medical procedures (abortions), they lobbied hard when the Susan G. Komen foundation decided they wanted to cut ties with Planned Parenthood, these groups celebrated when states granted same sex couples the legal right to marry, and I loved them for this.

So why the "used to be" you might be asking? Where has the love gone?

In the wake of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings earlier this month, these pages have fallen from their missions of protecting individual rights that were granted by the Constitution, Supreme Court rulings, and the voice of the people, to being raging anti-gun pages. I understand, we lost a lot that day, it wasn't fair, and personally I can't stop crying over it. Every time I see one of those 20 children's faces my eyes fill up and it's all I can do to not let them spill while I'm at work. I feel the trauma of losing my brother who died a few years ago all over again, and while his death was due to a violent crime it wasn't gun related, it doesn't matter, loss is loss no matter how it happens, especially when it's unexpected. Everyone needs someone to blame for the tragedy. They look for monsters in the world.  They blame the NRA, violent video games, Hollywood, Walmart, the media, developmental disorders, and a host of others for the shootings. They have taken the conversation from being about stricter gun control laws and more availability for mental health care access to being about a total firearm ban. They use fear mongering techniques like "would you trust a stranger with a gun?" polls and belittling posters who have different opinions about how to make the country a safer place.

First, let's place the blame where it's due. The 20 year old man who brought the guns to campus and killed those people is where the blame lies. He did it, it's his fault, it was his choice. Callous? Maybe... but it's true. There are millions of people in the country battling illness and don't shoot up kindergarten classrooms. If you want to take a wider scope, let's look at his mom, otherwise known as Victim #1. She knew that her son had problems and still had firearms throughout the house and they were easily accessible to her son, she taught him how to use them, and took him shooting. I haven't heard anything about his father. Where was he? I'm genuinely curious. I'm not one of those people who feel like single parents are the cause of all evil, but just because someones parents are no longer with each other doesn't mean that one parent is allowed to check out on their kid. Did he die? Or just not around?  If the shooter was not getting treatment for his illness, why aren't there more means to get help for adults who don't want to help themselves?

Do you still need something to be afraid of? How about how hard it is to get help when you're mentally ill? How about being afraid of parents who would rather be their kids' best friend instead of an authority figure? How about being afraid of people who would happily take away your rights because they make them feel icky? How about looking to history and seeing what similar bans have done (think Stalin, Castro, Hitler)? How about wondering where it will stop once they start taking rights away?

Personally I think there need to be stricter enforcement of the laws we have, and consider making them federal laws so that they are the same across state lines, review "Stand Your Ground" laws to make sure they really work the way they are intended to and not a blanket excuse for killing people who could potentially be threatening, new policies demanding background checks for firearms sales, a review of what types of firearms are available to the general public, mandatory safety courses for firearms users, a licensing program that needs to be renewed on a regular basis much like a driver's license, and harsher penalties for violating these policies. Granted it won't keep criminals from obtaining weapons illegally, but it might make certain weapons harder to get in general. Law abiding citizens might be more inclined to keep weapons locked and out of sight when not in use. I also don't think that it should stop at gun control, there are many violent crimes that are committed daily that you don't hear about because they're on a smaller scale, but their impact is still felt. There needs to be a way to prohibit violent crimes in general. How do we take control back from the thugs on the streets and the abusers that hide behind their locked doors?

I don't think schools need to be turned into prisons to keep children safe, but having security and a police officer on campus at all times isn't a bad idea. Kids need to be able to enjoy school and look forward to learning and I'm not sure that would happen in an environment where fear rules.

A few of these pages are looking to dismantle the 2nd amendment, calling it archaic and unnecessary, however my feelings are that once you start taking away some rights, the others will be just as easy to remove. Why stop at the second? The first amendment causes a lot of trouble too, and who gave women and minorities the right to vote? We can't base our laws on emotions.

The same people who were against George W. Bush trading our freedoms for security post 9-11 are the trying to do the same now. I'm not saying there doesn't need to be changes, I'm just asking that we make them based on logic and not fear.  Stop looking for monsters under the bed when there are bigger ones knocking at your door.

Are you who you thought you'd be now?

I was looking at my blog, searching for an idea of what to write about this month, and I came across this draft, I'm not real sure when I wrote it (because I forgot to look at the date before I clicked "edit") but I still like it, its still relevant, and while this isn't my official March post, I am going to share it with you.

Its weird... I've been scanning through friends and friends of friends' facebook pages and I'm finding out more than I ever really wanted or needed to know about some people. I had to stop. I had to look away. We live in the information age, but sometimes there IS a such thing as too much information.

I look around and I see that I'm no where near where I thought I'd be at 30.  It's not a bad thing, dreams change, priorities change, and life sometimes takes a different path. I'm okay with that for the most part.  If you would have asked me 6 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I would have told you married with kids and living in the Houston suburbs. God, that dream is so long dead and buried I often wonder if it was real. Did I ever really want that they way I thought I did? A year ago I would have thought that I'd still be chasing the crush I had but that maybe we finally found a way to make it work the way I wanted it to instead of the way that had been convenient for him... That dream is gone too, although that one had kind of turned into a nightmare itself, so its probably good for my mental health that I've woken up from that too.

When I was in college I wanted to set the world on fire. I want to shake things up, I wanted to make changes, I wanted to be a part of the greater good. Part of me still wants that, I just don't know where to start. There are so many things that are wrong with our society that it overwhelms me. There is so much injustice, inequality, and a general suckines in the world that I don't even know where to start. I guess I do a small part in raising awareness by forwarding and sharing news articles trying to get people fired up about the problems, but I don't know how to be part of the solution.

When I started working at the gym and later managing it I thought I was in it to help people feel better about themselves, get healthy, have fun, and just enjoy life more... but it didn't really work out that way. That place was such a stress ball of depression and irresponisble ownership that I didn't even want my name linked to it by the time it was all over.

I'm still looking for my purpose, trying to find my way... I finally have a job that I like and where I actually respect my bosses (it has been too long since I've had that). I adore my family and friends... but I guess I'm still like that Disney Princess who is still looking for that "something more." I'll get there some day, I know it, I'm so close.

Marilyn

It’s weird where inspiration strikes you, the mood it can put you in, and the thoughts it provokes in you.

I was at work the other day checking my facebook page, I know bad employee, but I swear you can only stare at a contracts for so long before your eyes go crossed and your brain turns into egg salad, that’s the story I’m sticking with anyway.  Back to facebook, I was looking at my page and I saw that it recommended that I “like” Marilyn Monroe.  As my cursor hovered over the suggestion I stopped and thought to myself “Do I really *like* her?”  Yes, I realize that it’s just a social network and it doesn’t really matter if I like something there or not, but it made me think.

I will not dispute her beauty; she was a physically gorgeous woman, so much prettier than many of today’s beauty queens.  I don’t even want to debate whether or not she was a good actress, I’ve seen a couple movies she was in and I was entertained.  I just can’t decide if I like her.  I wouldn’t ever want to be like her, and I’d be disappointed if any of my friends or family members looked to her as a role model.

Now I’m one of the first people to say that you shouldn’t put celebrities up on a pedestal and hold them as role models, but this woman has inspired so many females from when she was still in the limelight, making movies and headlines, up to now.  Young women are getting facial piercings called that are reminiscent of her mole; it’s even named after her.  I don’t have any issues with facial piercings within reason, I had a nose ring in college that I would probably still have if I wasn’t allergic to it, but I did it because it was something I liked and I wanted.  I didn’t do it because I wanted to look like someone else.

I didn’t do it because I wanted to look like that incredibly beautiful, but probably very short sighted Silver Screen Queen of the past.  She died of a drug overdose at 36 years old.  I’m only 6 years younger than that right now.  She’d been married and divorced multiple times, was an addict, unreliable and unpredictable.  She was a woman-child who lost her way. 

In reading Wikipedia articles about her she seemed like she was such a sad tragic character.  She appeared bright and bubbly on the surface, but there was turmoil behind that iconic face.  I think the people who find her life enviable are the same people who think that Shakespeare’s play “Romeo and Juliet” was a romantic love story about two teenagers, when it was a deep tragedy.  It wasn’t so much of a love story as it was a cautionary tale.  It was about politics, blood feuds, and what happens when pride gets in the way of common sense.

So the question remains.  Do I like her?  I’m still on the fence.  I feel sorry for her I guess.  Her life was a stream of opportunity lost and poor decision making.  She may have had all the money, fame, love of a few good men, and the adoration of millions of fans for all eternity, but her life just makes me sad.  She had everything people claim to want, but I don’t think she was happy.

Finding Light in the Darkness

So I have all these notes saved in various emails I’ve sent to myself for topics for blogs that I want to write.  While they might be controversial and spark discussions there must be a reason why they’re figuratively gathering dust in cyber-land.  Mostly I think that while I find them interesting, they aren’t inspiring. Tonight I want to write inspired.

I’ve wanted to write for so long, and I haven’t found the words.  I think I’ve been too caught up in my own head about what a “good idea” is and what people want to read…as if I’m already a viral blogger followed by thousands instead of maybe a dozen on a good day.  What I’m forgetting is that these words are for me, they’re what I need to say, not necessarily what needs to be read.

The blog ideas that I have saved and that are continuing to wait to be written about are rants about things I find wrong in our society and the idealized solutions I would have for them if I ruled the world.  No matter how much I might complain on a regular basis I am at heart an optimist, I want to believe the best in people and I want to see that silver lining in every storm cloud.  I want to see the rainbow after a hurricane.

I read a blog article today by Jenny Lawson (more famously known as The Bloggess and if you don't follow www.thebloggess.com you're really missing out).  Anyway she wrote a deeply personal article about her on-going war with depression and her triumphant victory over this particular battle.  It was beautiful, moving, and so incredibly relatable.  I may not have ever been as deep in the cave as she’s been, but I’ve experienced the darkness.  I’ve had plenty of anxiety attacks that strike out of nowhere, and will leave me a puddle of shivering sobbing raw emotion; it’s not a fun place to be.  I’ve watched people I love spiral into the abyss out where the life rings don’t reach and yet I know that I’m lucky.  I have an amazing group of friends who will walk through fire and darkness to pull me out even if means dragging me by the roots of my hair.

There have been times when I’ve been scared to tell them what I’m going through because I don’t know if they’ll understand or if they’ll judge me for making what they think are bad or dangerous choices.  What I do know is that they love me and most of the time I’m able to get over the fear eventually because in my heart I know there are no boundaries to our friendship and they’ll love me through whatever is troubling me, even if the love comes with a lecture.  Or sometimes instead of making me talk out my problems, they’ll just offer an escape.  Sometimes just sitting on the couch watching a movie I’ve seen a hundred times with someone who gets me is enough to make all the bad stuff go away.  Blake Shelton sings this great love song called “God Gave Me You” and I have to say that song fits how I feel about my friends more that it has ever fit any romantic relationship I’ve ever been in.  A great line from the song is “…For when I think I lost my way, there are no words here left to say, it’s true, God gave me you…” This couldn’t speak for my heart any more honestly.  When I lose my way my friends and family are the ones who act like lighthouses guiding me back to shore… and if my friends are the lighthouse, my family must be the tugboat.

My brother means the world to me, I’m not sure there’s anyone closer to me right now.  He knows what’s going on in my life almost as soon as I do.  Even when he disappoints me he’s one of the first people I turn to in a crisis.  When my heart got broken and all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry all day, he crawled in next to me and held me until the tears stopped.  He listened when I told him what had happened and was honest with me about his view on the situation.  He made me laugh when I felt like I could never be happy again, and made me feel important when I felt insignificant.  When we were kids I never would have believed that we would have a relationship like this, we could barely get along when we lived together, now I get mad at him if we don’t see each other at least once a week.

My cousin is probably the one person in the world that I can tell her anything and not shock her in anyway.  Anything I’m feeling, she’s felt it, any romance drama I’ve gone through, she’s done it.  She’s gone through all the same family stuff I’ve gone through and I don’t even need words to communicate with her…but she scares me because she spends a lot more time in the dark waters than I do.  She’s been through a lot in her short life and while I know she can pull me into the light, I don’t know that I can do the same for her, no matter how much I want to.  I think the best I can do for her is to let her know that I love her no matter what she does (even if I don’t always agree with her) and that I am always available when she needs me.  I know I would never survive losing her, the darkness would win that round if I ever had to say goodbye to that girl.

This didn’t turn out to be the light bubbly post I had intended to write, but I think this is better; it’s more real this way.  I wanted to write inspired, and I feel like I did that.  My main goal is to always write from the heart, to be honest with myself and whoever may be reading this.  I think I accomplished that tonight and I feel like I’m in a really good place right now.  Yes, I cried while writing this, but I’m not sad.

I’m so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life that have made me who I am, for everyone who has stayed by my side through the ups and downs, for the people who make me laugh when I’m sad, for the people who make me feel safe in a dangerous world, for the people who make me feel like they’ll never judge me, for the people who love me unconditionally.  I hope this lets you see even in this small way how much you mean to me.

Writer's Block

I want to write, I need to write, I feel the itch in my fingertips and the inspiration begging to be unleashed… however, I’m blocked.I don’t know what to write about, I don’t have a single topic to discuss, or maybe I have too many to pinpoint into a singular post.

I don’t have any crazy stories about ridiculous encounters with people who are so stupid they couldn’t solve a Rubik’s cube if it were all one color (I read that online somewhere and LOVED the quote, I’m just not sure where it came from, if you know I'd give them all the credit for it)

I could write about my birthday month shenanigans, you only turn 30 once after all… well biologically anyway, I think I might turn 30 at least 5 more times.I’ve celebrated by having a pizza party at a friend’s house, going to Vegas with the family (mom’s side), celebrated with a barbeque with friends and my dad’s side of the family, and will be going to LA this weekend to celebrate again with my cousin who I’ve just recently became reacquainted with through the wonders of facebook.

I supposed I could take a dark turn and talk about how my great grandmother is dying and I don’t think I’ll get to see her again before her spirit leaves her body to join family members that have gone before her.How if I can be half of the woman she was, I think I’ll be doing okay.She’s 101 years old and still mentally proficient; she’s surrounded by children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren who adore her.The last time I went to visit her she was telling my dad and I about her first speeding ticket…at 80 years old!She can still tell a story that will make you laugh until you cry, it’s incredibly sad that her body is finished before the rest of her is.

I can write about how creatively blocked I feel when it comes to writing my novel that I’ve only been working on since 2008 and I’m only 60 pages into it. Its a story about love and how it doesn't matter how old or young you are, it makes you crazy... in this case it will be crazy in a good way, but part of me feels like its going in a direction that would rip off any Nora Roberts, Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Danielle Steele novel I've ever read... plus is pulls so much from my real life (in the most rose colored glasses sort of way) that part of me wants to wait for something interesting to happen to keep writing and part of me says SHUT IT DOWN its too much of a fantasy diary and even though I've changed the names and events people are going to recognize themselves in it.

There are always my baking adventures and my drives up and down the Coast that I could also photo-document the journeys. I love being in the kitchen and decorating cupcakes, I have no formal training, but some really cool tools that make me look like I have way more skills than I actually possess, I could say the same about my awesome camera and how its nearly impossible to take a bad picture with it.

But none of it bites; none of it inspires me to write paragraph after paragraph, none make me want to bare my soul in a very public manner on any of those topics.

Nothing seems to be gripping my heart and mind.

Where is my muse damn it?It’s not hiding in the bottom of my Coors Light, and it’s not starring in either of the Netflix movies I’ve watched tonight… It isn’t hiding in my camera or in my markers or glue sticks… Maybe my muse has concealed herself in my guitar, I haven’t picked her up in a few days and my calluses are going away, which just means it will be even harder to try to learn to play.

Perhaps I need to stop looking for outside influences to open the flood gates to my creativity.Maybe my muse lies in wait inside me; inside my heart, inside my mind, inside my guts.Maybe I need to stop waiting for her to come to me and just open myself up to inspiration.