#aftersexselfie

it's okay to keep reading, I'm not going to actually post a photo... just a little commentary on the phenomenon that struck social media a couple months ago... yeah, I'm late to the game... no I'm not participating (or even really sitting on the sidelines cheering people on).

Anyway... when I started hearing about the hashtag trending over social media I was dumbfounded. Not only was I unable to comprehend why it was trending, I was sad that the world is turning into a place where there is no privacy, nothing is special, and there is no real one on one intimacy anymore, we have literally invited the world into our bed. Why would anyone want to share that? Why would anyone want to see that? Are you REALLY so connected to your online persona that after sex that the first thing you think of is photographically documenting it for prosperity and public consumption? Seriously... why?????

Then one morning I got it. Well a tiny part of it anyway.  I still don't understand the need to share that moment with the masses, but what I totally 100% understand is the want to preserve that feeling of intimacy.  I can completely wrap my mind around wanting to have visual evidence of that perfect moment.  Everyone has bad days and maybe having an opportunity to look back on a time when you felt that fantastic could cure even the worst moods. 

Then the cold hard truth of reality sets in and I think about the birds nest my hair probably is, the makeup smeared all over my face, and remember exactly why some moments are better lived than captured in digital pixels forever. I love retreating to fantasy land and relive those feelings just like anyone else would, thankfully I have a vivid imagination and don't need a photo app to remember.

Look Ma! No Hands!

It has been awhile since I posted something more than an album review, dream journal, or something light on content but big on giggles.  Let me catch you up.

Shortly after Christmas my awesome-amazing boyfriend asked to officially move in with him.  I think I've put longer thought into picking out what color nail polish I want to buy, I immediately said yes (it was the easiest decision I've ever had to make and every day I'm so thankful for this life I'm living), gave my landlord 30 days notice, and started moving things to his house, I mean our house (it took awhile for me to get the hang of saying it).  I was all in within 2 weekends (it was too hard to try to move during the week).

Let me tell you.... living in sin is the best thing ever.  For me there didn't really even seem to be any growing pains, it just feels like home. He does most of the cooking, I do most of the laundry, and we share the other cleaning chores, they get done as they need to.  Everything seems to be falling in place.  I never thought living with someone else would be so easy, I don't know what I thought it would be like, this is the first time I've ever lived with a boyfriend, and I'm glad he's the one I'm experiencing all this new stuff with.  My family loves him (which is a great feeling). We have a cute little dog named Bugsy, we spoil him rotten...he's like having a 3rd person in the house half the time.

So that's the big life update. I don't think I've ever been this happy and relaxed in a relationship.  I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop or for some dramatic disaster to happen.  It just feels good to have a true partner, not just someone who is there for the moment.  For the first time in my life I feel like a real adult, not a kid in a grown up body. It's not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.

Another update is that today I decided to become a Partner in Hope.  I signed up to give a monthly donation to St. Jude's Children's hospital. I've had a nagging feeling for a long time that I need to become involved in something that is bigger than me and my personal world, but I didn't know where to start.  This morning on the drive to work one of the local radio stations was hosting a radiothon to raise money for the hospital and I was moved to donate.  I can't afford to give a lot, but I can afford to give what I used to spend on a monthly sample subscription.  If you want to become a Partner in Hope you can follow the link and help battle childhood cancer. If you can't afford to donate money, maybe you can find a cause that speaks to you and you can donate your time, and if you don't have time or money (hey we've all been there, no judgment) you can share links on how to help your cause of choice, maybe you'll inspire one of your friends to help out in any way they can.

Christmas All Year

This morning while I was picking up around the house and putting away gift bags and organizing the house around new gifts, I was struck by an idea... one that I'm sure millions other have had, but it's one that deserves a voice.

I have two (at least) Christmas celebrations a year, Christmas Eve with my mom's side of the family, and Christmas day with my dad's.  These get togethers were so nice, everyone was laughing and reminiscing about days past.  Everyone was helpful and happy and eager to have a great time, there was no drama, no gossiping about people who couldn't make it (although there was lots of talk about how we missed the loved ones who were missing).  As far as I could tell there was no negativity, just love.

I realize my Christmas experience probably wasn't every one's, but if we could all take some of that day and apply it to the other 364 days out of the year I think the world could be a better place.  If we could just be more patient, more kind, more understanding, and show more love to our fellow planet dwellers there would have to be less pain, stress, and suffering all around.  I know it sounds too easy, but if we all made tiny changes, we could collectively make a huge impact.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season, and that we can all tackle the new year with hope in our hearts.

Album Review: Taylor Swift 1989

Taylor Swift: Shake it Off 

Artist:  Taylor Swift
Album: 1989
Point of Purchase: iTunes (pre-order baby!!)
Price: $12.99

Thoughts:  Okay, not even going to lie, I've been excited and on the edge of my seat for this album since I head "Shake It Off" awhile back... you know when Kelly Clarkson posted the link to the video on her Facebook page. I'm 33 years old and dancing in my seat like a tweenager.  Last night I watched an episode of the Graham Norton show simply because Tswizzle was a guest on his couch, and there's an InStyle magazine on my BF's couch that she graces the cover of. I feel like I should be embarrassed at the extent of my fangirlishness when it comes to Miss T, but really, I'm not.  I want to bake cookies and talk about boys with her... is that weird? Probably... I'm going to go ahead and embrace the fantasy. My name is Lauren, and I'm a Swifty. 

Track Listing/Favorite Lines:

1. Welcome to New York: Everybody here wanted something more
   Searching for a sound we hadn’t heard before
2. Blank Space: darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream
3. Style: Cause You got that James Dean day dream look in your eye
   And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
   And when we go crashing down, we come back in every time.
   Cause we never go out of style
4. Out of the Woods: The night we couldn’t quite forget
   When we decided
   To move the furniture so we could dance
   Baby, like we stood a chance
   Two paper airplanes flying
5. All You Had To Do Was Stay: people like me wanna believe you when you say you've changed
6. Shake It Off: Just think while you been getting down and out about the liars
   And the dirty dirty cheats of the world
   You could have been getting down to this sick beat
7. I Wish You Would: I wish you know that I miss too much to be mad anymore
8. Bad Blood: Band-aids don't fix bullet holes
9. Wildest Dreams: Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams
10. How You Get The Girl: I want you for worse or for better
11. This Love: This love is a life back from the dead
12. I Know Places: Lose lips, ships sink, all the damn time, not this time
    Just grab my hand and don't ever drop it
    My love, they are the hunters, we are the foxes
    And we run
13. Clean: And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

Bonus Tracks: Ms Swift is releasing more songs to iTunes 

1. Wonderland: In the end in Wonderland we both went mad

This album is so fun, and well worth the wait... It's not on Spotify yet, or I would have linked the whole album, but seriously, go drop the $13 and get your own copy. You too could be getting down to this sick beat. 

Cupcakepalooza and the Bing Wedding

The Newlyweds

 Last week the baby of our family, Brandyn, married the love of his life, the beautiful Miss Taylor. In celebration of this special day we had a big BBQ, and the bride requested some cupcakes for the event...roughly 100 of them.

 The request was for Chocolate Cake with Oreo Buttercream Frosting, Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting, and White Cake with a Strawberry Buttercream Frosting.  This time around I did not make the old family recipe for the carrot cake, it takes too long and I didn't have enough time to make it from scratch, I did however doctor a box cake and it tasted pretty amazing, I did use the frosting recipe that is on the link.

Additions to Duncan Hines Carrot Cake: roughly 1 cup of chopped nuts (I used pecans), 1 box of vanilla instant pudding, 1 20 ounce can of crushed pineapple (strained), used butter instead of oil, and milk instead of water.  It ended up being super moist and quite delicious.

It took roughly 3 hours to bake 125+ cupcakes at my aunt's house, thank goodness for double ovens, two kitchen aid mixers, and a talented chef of a boyfriend who volunteered to help.  We let them cool in the fridge over night and came back in the morning to decorate, where I enlisted the help of my guy and my cousin who had also gone to culinary school and was trained in the arts of decorating for the masses.

Real Men Frost Cupcakes

Devil's Food Cake with Oreo Buttercream

White Cake with Strawberry Buttercream 

Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting 

Cupcake Display (created by Taylor)

Dr. Frankenstein's Boyfriend

I realize I've been posting some fairly serious stuff lately.  I thought it might be time to blog about something fun and light-hearted.

I was talking about relationships with some friends the other day, and I realized that while even though none of my past relationships have worked out, they all have a special place in my heart, even if the men are no longer in my life.  I thought it might be fun to take a walk down memory lane and talk about my favorite qualities about the relationships that have made the biggest impact on my life.  Names have been omitted and have been replaced with semi-identifying nicknames.

The Texan:  This one was my first love, he was someone I could talk to about anything, for hours, he understood me in a way I’m not sure anyone has before or since.  We had more than our share of problems, and in the end we were so wrong for each other that I’m not sure why we ever fell in love.  He taught me what it was like to think of someone else first, how to include someone else in my plans.  He had magical hands, was artistic, passionate, and had a voice that could make me melt with a simple hello.

The North County Cowboy:  This was the shortest relationship on the list, we only lasted a month, but everything happened so fast and the feelings were real.  He loved animals like no man I have ever dated (don’t be gross, he didn't love his pets).  He was also probably the best looking boyfriend I've had.  I introduced him to my friends and family much sooner than I normally would, it was so strange how everything moved in fast-forward, but felt completely normal and natural, from the night I met him, I felt like I had known him forever.

The College Boy:  I can’t help but look back on these days and smile.  Yes, there were plenty of reasons why we weren't meant for the long haul, but so many reasons why we were so great in the short run.  We liked the same movies, loved weekend road trips, the same football team, similar music, and he inspired me to be better at the things I love (writing and photography for example).  We took things slower than usual, and it made every milestone feel important and special.  He taught me what it was like to be in a mostly functional relationship.  He was also the first educated man I've been involved with, and it’s amazing to be able to share similar experiences with someone who gets it.

The Golf Pro: This man.  I’m not sure where to even start.  This relationship blew up in my face like an Elmer Fudd cartoon during “Wabbit Season,” and yet, it still served a purpose, there are still good things to say.  He had a way of helping me turn off the world and everything that was stressing me out, for awhile he was my favorite drug, and looking back, probably the most toxic.  We got together not long after I lost my younger brother, got let go from my job, started a new career, and was butting heads with one of my closest friends.  He was my eye of the storm, my escape hatch, and the ladder out of the deep end of the pool.  We started out as friends and he introduced me to new music, movies I never thought I’d watch, and showed me all the wrong ways to be in a relationship, so that when I find the real thing, I’ll know it.

The Musician:  He was so passionate, twisted, talented, scared, emotionally stunted, caring, confused, manipulative, hilarious, and infuriating… and I never felt the need to change him.  He drove me crazy, pushed me to try harder, even inspired me to get my own guitar so that he could teach me to play it.  He taught me that people will be who they are whether I like it or not.  That I can’t change someone who doesn't want to be changed, I can’t make someone be a grown up if they’re stuck in never land.  That even if you’re great as friends, it doesn't mean that you’ll be great loves.  He opened my eyes to things I didn't want to see.  He taught me to be strong, how to walk out of a room with my head held high, he taught be that sometimes you have to push the wrong person out of the door, so the right one can walk in.  I know it sounds like these are negative things to pull from a relationship, and in the moment they absolutely were, but they made me stronger.  They made me less likely to put up with bullshit.  They didn't turn me into my frosty alter ego, but the experience has made me more cautious of suspect behavior, and more appreciative of people who are genuine.

This post kind of took an unexpected turn on me, it was supposed to be funny and light, and it turned into a love letter, and an affirmation that I still believe in the good in people (even when they've shown me their worst sides), but I'm okay with that.

All of these men were intelligent, whether they learned their lessons from books, the streets, by events that life had thrown in their direction.  They all made me laugh and some of them have held me when I've cried.  They opened my world up to new experiences that I wouldn't trade for an easier road to follow.  I feel like if I could take the best parts of all of them and could Dr. Frankenstein them into one man, I’d be pretty close to perfect.  He’d be tall, have dark hair, light eyes, a voice that could melt ice, could play the guitar like a rock god, loves animals, educated, funny, inspiring, encouraging, someone who listens as well as tells stories, has a sense of adventure, doesn't make too much fun of my taste in music, someone who wants to share new things with me, someone I can introduce to my family…. Doesn't sound too bad does it? 

Deserving.

I read an article this morning written by a man who asserts that American women as a whole are undeserving of a "good man" because we're all one or a combination of the following: whores, gold diggers, alcoholics, we over share, we hate men, we are selfish, we cheat, we lie, we are unable to make up for past mistakes, we need to be the constant center of attention, we're jealous, petty, sluts who give it up too easily, or cold bitches who "friendzone" too quickly.

There were mixed reactions to this article (and I wish I could find it to link it). Men saying "YES!! I've been saying this for years, I finally feel validated," women saying, "Okay, I see where this is going, but I'M not like those girls," my reaction? Well I think it was too long to post in a thread.

My first reaction is that this guy must have had a long stream of bad relationships with women who weren't that into him. I find a lot of the time the self professed "Nice Guy" is anything but... just like the self professed "Sexy Chick."  If you have to announce it, if your words and deeds aren't enough, then it probably isn't true. This Nice Guy wants the "perfect woman" but admits that he's dated married women and is SHOCKED that they cheat. Maybe you shouldn't pick up on people you know are in relationships if you don't want to be involved with a cheater?

My second reaction is that while there are plenty of women who fit some or all of those descriptors above at some point in their lives, by no means are ALL women like that all of the time, and none of those negative qualities listed are gender exclusive. There are men who are all or some of those as well.  I know, I've dated some of them... BUT that doesn't mean that I believe all American men are undeserving of quality women...nor would I imply that quality men do not exist.  Quality people are not unicorns.

People are flawed, they make mistakes, that doesn't mean they're irredeemable.  Your experience is not a universal experience, except in that EVERYONE has a bad days, bad weeks, shoot I know people who have had a bad couple of years... That doesn't mean it's always going to be that way, that humans are incapable of change or that we are all monsters all the time.

Being in a relationship takes hard work, every day work, it takes trust, respect, honesty, and sometimes making hard decisions instead of the easy road.  No one ever promised that being in love was going to be easy all the time.  Sure it can come as naturally as breathing, but even breathing can prove difficult at times.

I don't think that anyone deserves a fairy tale happy ending if they aren't someone who is willing to put the work in.  Nice Guy doesn't deserve Sexy Chick simply because he's attracted to her, just like Super Tramp doesn't deserve Knight in Shining Armor because she asked. Personalities have to mesh, interests shared, stories have to be told. If you can't handle someones past, you don't deserve to be in their future.

Unfinished Business...

Unfinished business, it's something that we have all experienced at some point in our lives, maybe you have something hanging over your head at the moment.

For me the way I've felt the best about completing the business, is to just let it go. If it was going to happen, it would have already, it would have been finished in the moment.  Chasing down your high school crush on social networks and maybe even rekindling a virtual friendship hasn't worked for me, and in that I have found that I can still care for someone, and not care about picking up where we left off.

We aren't the same people we were all those years ago, our interests, our passions, the core of who we are has grown up and grown farther apart than the miles that separate us. The awkward chats that were cute and endearing in our teens are just frustrating and unsatisfying at this point.

I can still be happy for you when you're happy, I can cry with you when you're sad, I can stand by your side as your friend, and not want to lie by your side in your bed.

Tell Me What You Want (what you really really want)

Spice girls jokes aside, I think that it's important to know what you want, what is reasonable, and what you're willing to give in relationships, any relationship for that matter, not just the romantic ones.  I think it's good to know where your lines in the sand are, your deal breakers and makers if you will.

I found an old journal from last year while I was cleaning house and there was a really great (patting myself on the back here) entry about what I wanted in a relationship. I've added to it since it's discovery and now I'm ready to share it with the world.

• I'm looking for a partner in life.  I'm not looking for a boss or to take over his mother's job of raising him.
• I want someone who can make me laugh, and understands that sometimes I just need to cry.
• I am looking for someone who makes me feel safe and loved no matter what environment we're in.  I want to trust that we can make it through any situation that is tossed in our direction as long as we're together.
• I need someone who is honest with me, someone who believes in us.  Someone who doesn't find monogamy unreasonable or too demanding.
• I want someone who encourages and inspires my dreams.  Someone who values what I bring to the table, who sees me as his equal and not just entertainment.
• I want someone to share adventures with, who isn't afraid to try new things and will be eager to broaden each other's horizons.
• I don't want to worry about whether or not he'll be able to hold his temper, his alcohol, or other harmful personality traits.  I don't want to clean up drunken vomit or have to slowly back out of a room because I'm scared.
• I want to feel like I belong when I'm with him and his people whether that be his family or his friends.
• I want him to be both intelligent and educated, and to not feel intellectually intimidated by my friends, but at the same time not be a snob about it.
• Ideally I'd like him to be able to look into my eyes and see beyond my "poker face" and know how certain situations make me uncomfortable and do his best to make it better.  I realize that will take more communication on my part.  I will have to learn to open up when something bothers me instead of insisting that it's "fine" when it's not.

This list is not saying that I want him to do all the work to accommodate me and my needs only.  I know that relationships take (some times hard) work, honesty, communication, and compromise.  I know that if I want someone to be supportive of my dreams and to vanquish my fears I have to pick up my sword and be just as willing to slay some dragons for him.  I need to occasionally take the backseat and put his needs first and help him lay his insecurities to rest.

I am experienced enough to know that at this stage in the game no one comes into a relationship without some scars on their hearts and minds.  People have an uncanny ability to heal and move on, but we do so with more caution than when we started out.  Sometimes that means we are extra careful in how we treat others, sometimes it means that we hold people at a distance until trust is gained.  Often times its a combination of the two with a few other unique coping mechanisms thrown in to keep things interesting.

I'm not the girl who stares out her office window waiting for flower delivery on Valentine's Day.  A dozen red roses doesn't prove that someone loves you, it proves that they have money to burn and know how to call a florist.  Cut flowers wither and die in stagnant water and end up dropping sad petals all over your desk within a few days.  Real love is every day, and while romantic gestures are nice (and appreciated) they don't guarantee love.  The boyfriend who always bought me thoughtful gifts every time he went out of town did so because he felt guilty because he was schtooping some other broad in Southern California while to told me his was visiting his parents.  The sweetest and most thoughtful birthday present I ever received from a lover came from someone who responded to an "I love you" with a "you're confused."  I'd rather have someone show their love by being honest, caring, and someone I can count on than celebrate a silly holiday once a year.

Tell me you love me every day, prove it with your actions, and I'll do the same for you.  Make me laugh, hold me when I cry, please be patient when I'm crazy, understand that when I give my heart to you that it wasn't given lightly or without thought.

Album Reviews: Gary and Taylor

So I think I want to start reviewing the music I purchase (but only whole albums, not the singles I impulse purchase), I'll try to include where I bought them, how much I paid, links so that you can purchase one if you so choose, my favorite lines from each song, and of course what I thought of the album as a whole. I'll also include link's the the artist's homepage if you want more info on the individual/group reviewed.

 Gary Allan: Set You Free

Point of Purchase: iTunes
Price: $9.99
You can find Gary's album on Spotify if you want to preview it prior to purchasing. However if you're a GA fan it isn't necessary. I think most of my favorite albums have found me just at the right time. This is definitely one of the best "break up" albums ever. It has a good beat, great lyrics, and songs that I can listen to over and over again. This is one of the rarities where EVERY SINGLE SONG is fantastic, now I do love some more than others, but there isn't a bad one in the mix. I was impatient for a new Gary album and it was so worth the wait.

1. Tough Goodbye "I know I won’t find anyone better, I can’t keep runnin’ forever"
2. Every Storm Runs Out of Rain "Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns, 'Cause we all have thorns"
3. Bones "Well I've been out here diggin' a hole,
   I'm gonna push you in nice and slow, Well maybe you're thinkin' I'm your fool, Well maybe I'm diggin' this hole for you!"
4. It Ain't The Whiskey "I done all I could to drown this hurt inside, but I can't wash you off of my mind.."
5. Sand in My Soul "I hate to say I'm glad you broke my heart, And I hate to say it isn't tearing me apart, But I love the way this tiki bar is somehow never closed"
6. You Without Me "Don’t think you ever looked more beautiful, And you’ve never been more gone"
7. One More Time "Just wanna make sure, That I did it all right, I just wanna make sure, I loved and cared and gave with all my might"
8. Hungover Heart "don't get hung up on forever, 'cause there ain't no such, don't get strung out on on a woman because coming down is the hardest part"
9. No Worries "If life brings rain, we'll grow roses, It don't matter what life throws us"
10. Drop "Drop, raindrop fallin' from the sky like magic, Can you feel it in the air, Drop, you oughta drop on by 'cause it's warm inside, And there's a storm out there"
11. Pieces "We've all been lied to,  We've all been liars, Nothing's perfect in this world,  Everybody's been burned by the fire"
12. Good As New "Since I've met you, I'm good as new"
     

 

Taylor Swift: Red

Point of Purchase: Starbucks (yes, I was impulsed)
Price: $12.95
This is an album I've been looking at since it came out months ago. I really enjoy Taylor's music as much as I make fun of it. Most of the time it's just country poppy and a guilty pleasure. Again I feel like this one found it's way into my possession at the perfect time. It's also a bit of a break up album, but has songs you can laugh with, dance to, and just sing at the top of your lungs. A friend of mine asked me what I felt the genre of this album was, and I couldn't do it. The best I could come up with was "It's just Taylor" and I think that describes it perfectly. The song Red speaks to my heart in ways that not many songs do, I could listen to it over and over and it wouldn't get old...just ask my co-worker, I'm pretty sure he was ready to slap the Taylor right out of me by the end of the day on Friday (the day I bought it).

1. State of Grace "love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right"
2. Red "remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes, tell myself it's time to let go, but moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head in burning red"
3. Treacherous "I can't decide if it's a choice, getting swept away, I hear the sound of my own voice, asking you to stay"
4. I Knew You Were Trouble "no apologies, he'll never see you cry, pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why, you're drowning, you're drowning..."
5. All To Well "maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece, till you tore it all up, running scared, I was there"
6. 22 "you don't know about me, but I'll be you want to"
7. I Almost Do "I confess baby, in my dreams, you're touching my face, and asking me if I want to try again with you, and I almost do"
8. We Are Never Ever (Getting Back Together) "like ever"
9. Stay Stay Stay "before you I'd only dated self indulgent takers, who took all their problems out on me"
10. The Last Time, featuring Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol "right before your eyes, I'm breaking, no past, no reasons why, just you and me"
11. Holy Ground "I don't want to dance, if I'm not dancing with you"
12. Sad Beautiful Tragic "time is taking it's sweet time erasing you"
13. The Lucky One "they tell you that you're lucky but you're so confused 'cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used"
14. Everything Has Changed featuring Ed Sheeran "all I know is we said hello and your eyes look like coming home"
15. Starlight "we dream impossible dreams"
16. Begin Again "all love ever does is break and burn and end"
     

January: First Month of the New Year

The month of January seems like a weird time warp for me. Parts of it seem like it happened so long ago that it's hard to believe that it's all been in one month, and part of it seems like it went by really fast. While I'm looking forward to whatever the future may bring, I'm a little sad to see another month go. I know January isn't technically over, but I think this one is ready a couple days early.

• Life of Pi: This was the first movie of the New Year for me, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint. I won't spoil the movie for you, but I was blown away by how beautiful the cinematography was, and how touching the story could be. I haven't read the book so I wasn't sure what it would be about, but I'm so glad that I went to the 3D flick. I'm usually dubious of 3D features, but they seem to be getting better with time. The glasses don't hurt my eyes as much and the motion sickness is basically non existent. So yay! Go see Life of Pi.
• The Best Girlfriends EVER: So the break up wasn't as terrible as it could have been. It was bad, don't get me wrong, but my girlfriends were super heroes getting me through it. They made sure that for the first week back in the realm of the single life that I wasn't alone and that I always had a shoulder to cry on. They let me know how much they loved me and that things would get better. And it worked. I still have moments where I'm sad and cry, but I know my girls are there to cheer me up. They listen when I'm being crazy and illogical, the offer advice when they think I can handle it, and they are quiet when they know I'm not ready to hear certain things. They are loyal to #TeamLauren, all while never really saying anything negative about him. They remind me that while it's okay to hurt and be upset, that things will get better, and this was just a quick stop on the big journey. It was real and important, and that it is okay to grieve over what was lost.
• Blu Ray + New TV: I finally joined the 21st century with the help of my parents and Christmas elves. I am now the proud owner of a 32" flat screen TV and a blu ray player to make my home movie experiences that more enjoyable. Next step is trying to figure out how to afford Internet at home so that I can stream movies and click on all those bonus features.



at the Cal Poly
Performing Arts Center

• Live theater: Hair. It was interesting to say the least. It contained nudity, orgies, bad drug trips and draft dodging all set to a psychedelic rock soundtrack. The music was fantastic, I was entertained, awestruck, and horrified all at the same time. So good work. I can't say that i would be excited to see that particular play again, but i am glad that i went. It was a one night only show at the Cal Poly Performing Arts Center. I can't believe I went to school there for 3 years and it was my first time inside the building. Was a great venue and I can't wait to go back in a couple of months to see Broadway's Beauty and the Beast. 

• Moving Crew: No faithful readers, I didn't move this month, but one of my really close friends did. She got this adorable upstairs studio that has a view of the pool. One full moving truck and 3+ sweaty hours later we got all her stuff in her place... the couch only got mildly stuck in the stairs, but yelling "PIVOT!!" like Ross from FRIENDS seemed to help lighten the mood, and bring the neighbors running to help these damsels in distress. Best way to relax post move? Chinese food and a long nap.
• The Great Flood of 2013: Okay... so I didn't technically need to build an ark or anything remotely close, but I did have a small moat around my house and spilling into my pantry one Friday night this month. One of the waterlines to my house burst and created havoc. Luckily Jack's Plumbing came to the rescue and stopped the gurgling stream that was coming from my house. Nothing was ruined, except for a bunch of junk mail I've been meaning to destroy, and a few spiders probably got flushed away.
• Zombie Fun: While the Walking Dead is on it's winter hiatus, Girls' Night has kept with the undead tradition and have taken to watching horror/comedy flicks in it's absence. Shawn of the Dead made an appearance in the DVD player, it wasn't really what I was expecting (had no clue it was British) but it was funny in that dry way that the Brits are known for. Does I Am Legend count as a zombie movie? They weren't really undead, just scary cancer survivors, but they looked like zombies...anyway it made the cut this month too. I was less than impressed {beware spoilers ahead} the dog died AND Will Smith died? WTF man? Not cool man, not cool.
• Dream Journal: Finally after years of having really weird dreams and never writing them down I decided to start logging what goes on in my head after I fall asleep. I'm publishing them here in the bloggy blog as a series "Dream State Escalate" I don't plan on sharing them with the social networks, but they are available for your viewing pleasure. I tend to write them as I'm waking up in the morning, so please understand that they are raw and not especially well written. I just want to get the words out before pieces of them start to slip away.





Pismo Beach Pier
 

• Taking Time For Me: For anyone who has seen my calendars (yes plural) you know I jam pack my days. This month I've taken time off from that. I don't need to fill every waking second of my day, and I think it's helping my health a bit. There for awhile I felt like I was constantly on the verge of being sick and I was having a really hard time sleeping. Last week and this week for the most part my evenings have been pretty quiet after work, and I go to bed when I feel like it, not when it is "bedtime" sometimes that means 8pm, sometimes it's more like 11 or later. I don't feel the need to escape my house every night and I'm enjoying curling up with a good book again. A couple weeks ago I drove up to the beach by myself and took a ton of pictures of the ocean and finally started to feel like me again. I'm teaching myself how to use Photoshop and am learning how to make the landscape photos I enjoy so much even better. For the most part the post-break up anxiety is gone and I'm comfortable in my own skin. This doesn't mean I don't still have moments where I'm fighting back tears at my desk or wanting to throw things across my bedroom, but it does mean that I can control the impulses, and that they are happening less frequently.
• Speaking of The Break Up: I've noticed this strange trend... and I don't like it, guys who I thought were my friends (and some were Internet only friends at that) suddenly seem to think that because I'm not seeing anyone, that I'm suddenly available and wanting to date/hook up/be more than friends with them... and they've been pretty vocal about it. Like they're entitled to a piece of me, a piece that has never been offered to them before I've had a boyfriend, and certainly not days after. I actually had to tell someone "dude, just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm ready to date or up for grabs" and then he had the nerve to be upset because I "took it the wrong way" and that "we've been friends for such a long time, it's a shame to throw a friendship like ours away" um I'm not the one who was posting inappropriate things on his facebook. I'm not the one who was flirting in a way that made anyone feel physically violated just by reading it. So he crossed my boundaries, and by me calling him out on it, I destroyed our friendship. Cool bro, guess we weren't friends anyway. Guess what... I miss you about as much as I miss having athlete's foot.  As for my real guy friends... you're amazing. Seriously, for you to be there for me while I cry about other guys, for you to make me laugh when I feel like playing in traffic, and for you to calm me down when I can't sleep, I can never thank you enough or fully explain how much you mean to me. Thank you for being a real friend... not just some guy waiting to pounce because I'm vulnerable. You're different than my best girlies in that you can offer some insight into the male mind and help me understand whats going on outside of me, and even though I don't always like to hear it, I do appreciate it. I'm a lucky girl, because I really do have the best friends in the world.







Today

 

Weird feelings are beginning to be the new normal. Restless nights are back in full swing and bad dreams are more frequent than they have been in months. Even the great dreams leave a bad taste in my mouth because when I wake up the moment is lost.

Some days this break up is a lot harder than others, at least on the bad days I don't feel the need to share funny stories with him or I know that I should stay away from my stash of Will Ferrell movies (even though WF is my second language). On the good days I forget that he's not "Boyfriend" anymore and I can't want to share my exploits, or ask him if his day was as great at mine. Not every day is a constant struggle though, sometimes I manage to go hours on end without thinking about him, each day gets better, so I know that the future holds a day where I won't think about him, who he's with, or what he's doing at all. At least not in the terms of I wish he was doing all of it with me. I look forward to that day.

I look forward to the day when I can call him my friend and not want more. I feel like that day is much closer than I had originally anticipated.  I truly want good things to happen for him, I want him to succeed and to have an amazing life.  I bear no ill will toward him. I never have, even in the darkest hours of this break up I have never hated him. That's new for me.

I have to say this was the first important break up that I've gotten through without getting drunk or relying on sleep aids to get through the night. I guess this means a girl is growing up.  I did regress a little last week, or maybe the week before, I looked up the one who came before him, to see what the old guy was up to... surprising to say, to see that he was still with the one he left me for and that they look happy and in love didn't hurt my heart. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I was "happy" for him, but I'll say they look like they deserve each other. And you know what I can walk away without pangs in my heart and no bad thoughts. I don't wish him (or her for that matter) any harm or heartache, and I think that's enough. So yes, it was a step backwards to look over my shoulder at what I refer to as "Club Evil" (I was with him during a bad time in my life, and while I thought he was helping me, he was really taking advantage of my vulnerability, and I was naive enough to trust him) I wasn't pulled back in. I didn't stay in the shadows.  I was able to survive that, I will get through this too. This will make me stronger, and it will get me ready for the next journey.

Today, I promise myself that even though I'm going to have moments of sadness and loneliness I won't let it discourage me. I will not give up on the idea of love. I will find that someone who wants to be MY someone. Maybe he'll find me. It will not be my focus in life, but I know it's out there.

For now I'm going to work on healing my heart. For now I will do things that make me happy and fufull me. I will not rely on someone else to create my happiness.

Today I will live for me.

A December to Remember

This post is a little harder to write than I had imagined it would be. I started outlining it the first weekend of the month because I didn't want to leave anything out. December truly was an epic month and probably one I'll hold on to for a long time... December was nearly perfect for me and I don't want to let the events of January 1st spoil the memories. Looking back is a little heart wrenching, so forgive me if it's disjointed or awkward.

• Britni's Jewelry Show early in the month my super talented friend held her second annual jewelry show in her adorable home in Atascadero, California. Her work is gorgeous and has a vintage quality that you don't see in many places anymore.  I would recommend her wearable art to anyone... wedding party gifts? totally appropriate, looking for something for your mom, sister, grandma, girlfriend, best friends? she's your girl. Check out her page if you get a chance, and visit her at art in the park in the summer months in Shell Beach, you truly will not be disappointed.
• Last Minute Road Trip, the second weekend in the month my buddy Karla Beatriz photographer extraordinaire made a spur of the moment trip to Orange County to visit The Elitist to do a photo shoot, spend some quality girl time together, and to celebrate (early) her daughter's 3rd birthday. 
• Photo shoot: so it went pretty well considering our model (Elitist) was recovering from a nasty bug and wasn't feeling at the top of her game and we made her get in the cold ocean/swimming pool/and basically dance around in her underwear all day... the unexpected moment was when Karla wanted to practice some different shots and had me crash the shoot. While I'm not comfortable posting the pics she took of me here on my blog, let me tell you I've never seen a photo of myself where I have felt so incredibly beautiful. A month later I still pull up the photos and get lost in them. I promise I'm not that vain, I've just never seen myself like that.
• Camera oops: I was really stoked to have my mom's cannon rebel to shoot landscape/ocean activity pictures with on this trip... except I used the wrong exposure and 90% of my favorite pictures that I took at the beach that weekend were so over exposed that they were just a solid white screen. I guess it worked out okay though, it taught me how to use it before I went to Yosemite later in the month.



Happy Birthday Month Kiddo!

• Aurora's Birthday: this year we introduced "Birthday Month" to the kiddo. Karla and I weren't going to be able to make it back down for the official birthday party at the end of the month, so we took her out for an ice cream sundae at the most ridiculously loud place we could imagine... a perfect place for a 3 year old right? I think it freaked her out a little, but if you're in the mood for a sweet frozen treat with a Carney Barker Farrell's is the place to go. This was her first of 3 (at least) birthday parties, she seemed a little confused by the notion of celebrating on a non-official day, but once the sticker was on her shirt and the ice cream came out, she was down to party.
• Christmas Party with the Field's
• 

  

  At the Field's Christmas Party 2012,
  I was the clear White Elephant Exchange winner.

  • Baking Nightmares: Since the party was potluck style, I chose to bring baked goods as my contribution. It's a standard for me, I enjoy baking, and normally it's something I'm good at. Normally. I don't know what was going on, but I was off my game on the brownies. BOXED BROWNIES for crying out loud. Anyway I made them according to instructions, popped them into the preheated oven and baked for the appropriate amount of time, I stuck them with a skewer to make sure they were cooked all the way through, and while they were still slightly doughy, they were cooked enough to pull them out.  Somehow, despite the fact that I greased/cocoa'd the pan, they stuck...bad... and half of the batch was burned and the other half not cooked all the way. I haven't failed that royally baking since... well the last time I baked brownies. Aren't they supposed to be the easiest thing to make? Can't elementary school students successfully make brownies? Anyway they got tossed and I baked a lemon bundt cake with chocolate frosting and it was a hit... or at least passed inspection. Have I lost my game from taking such a long break from the Kitchen Aid? Guess I better get my ass back in the kitchen on a more frequent basis.
• Cards Against Humanity: This might be the most fun/inappropriate party game I've ever played. It is a lot like "Apples to Apples" except it has more of an "R/NC-17" rating. I suggest playing with your more open minded friends, or read a few of the cards before bringing it out a family dinner. My best advice is that while it's fun and hysterical with the right group, you really need to know your audience.
• babies babies everywhere: this was a family-friendly party and I felt like the pied piper of babydom. All the little ones were so happy, I'm not sure any of them (all under 5 and if my memory is correct there was close to a half dozen of them there) had any kind of fussing or melt downs. I got spit up on a bit, but it's a hazard you face when holding those cute little people. Don't worry, I haven't caught baby fever, not even close, but I do like kids.
• white elephant exchange: Like with a lot of Christmas or Holiday parties there was a white elephant exchange, gifts ranged from Copenhagen dip, cheap beer, orange cones, a Topsy Turvy tomato grower thing, door mats and other ridiculous items. Needless to say hilarity ensued and we were all a little disappointed when the game was over.
• blind wine tasting: the last activity at the party (these weren't listed in chronological order) was a blind wine tasting, everyone brought a bottle of wine, we covered the labels with brown paper bags and sampled each. Some were awesome, some were the opposite, I'm not sure what wine was the winner, but with 12 bottles to taste from we were all in good spirits.
• And the Food! Seeing as how it was a potluck there were lots of foodstuffs to choose from and I'm only mentioning a couple of the side dishes/appetizers. The stand outs if you will. If I left you out, feel free to add them in the comments, and if you'd like to link a recipe that would be awesome too. The main dish was turkey, one deep fried the other smoked, both received rave reviews.
• stuffed mushrooms: okay, so I don't have the recipe for these here, but let me tell you that I have NEVER EVER EVER been a fan of mushrooms, I'll sometimes eat them on pizza and I cook with cream of mushroom soup, but to pick up a stuffed mushroom and eat it... let alone love it enough to go back for seconds or thirds? completely unheard of. I've been pestering my friend who made them to post the recipe, but as of right now it resides in her mom's kitchen and not on the Internets.
• Mini Spinach Dip Bowls my god... these are amazing... I could eat them all night and not feel guilty at all because they're that delicious, probably not all that healthy considering the ingredients, but they have veggies in them right?
• Cheesy Potatoes that will change your life... I really don't need to say much more than that. They.will.change.your.life. again, not the healthiest of side dishes, but it's a Christmas party, you're supposed to eat your weight in carbs.
• Chocolate Covered Bacon: okay, so I don't have the recipe for this one either, but seems pretty simple, cook the bacon to your desired level of crispness and dip in melted chocolate. Total carny food and I love it. Toss in some funnel cake and a giant lemonade and you can go ahead and roll me out of the party.
• Girls' Nights and Birthday Parties



Daryl Dixon:
My Favorite Walking Dead Character

• So our weekly Zombie Nights have reached the mid-season finale of "The Walking Dead" and now need to find meaning in our lives until the show comes back in February. We're thinking of adding other Zombie flicks until then... or It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia marathons, or maybe even hitting the gym occasionally... maybe.
• We also celebrated one of the girls' brother's 30th birthday party one week. I had my first taste of Salvadorian food and I fell in love. Seriously, it was SO good. Maybe I really do need to hit the gym, seems like a large portion of this month's post is devoted to my love of food.  There were games to be played and lots of laughs to be had at the party, as it should be. Cranium and Taboo are always fun to pull out of the game closet, and unlike Cards Against Humanity, there isn't really an "appropriateness factor" that you have to consider.
• Surviving the Apocalypse: The Mayan Apocalypse came and went without much fanfare, I woke up, survived and didn't spot a zombie all day... which is a good thing, because in a story to follow, I'm pretty sure the zombies will have me beat in about the first 5 minutes of the outbreak. I thought I'd be tougher, I'm not.
• Cousin Date: My 11 year old cousin and I spent the Saturday before Christmas together, we went to the movies and saw Monsters Inc in 3D, overdosed on junk food at both the movies and Carl's Jr. after, then went and spent the rest of the afternoon with our grandparents and relatives that were visiting for the upcoming holidays. We hadn't done it in a long time, so it was a lot of fun (and just a tad exhausting... I'm not used to being around kids all day long, he's awesome, but it's just more proof that I'm no where near ready to begin the part of my life where I want kids... I may have mentioned that once before in this post).



opening presents is exhausting

• Christmas: Christmas in my families is spilt over two days, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning belongs to my mom's side of the family, while my dad's side of the family lays claim to Christmas Day/Night. This year was no exception. It was great seeing family members that I don't get to hang out with often, it was weird to experience the holiday without the family we had lost this year, and it was the first time I had shared a major holiday with a significant other (even if it was just a couple of hours at the end of the day). Everyone seemed to enjoy their presents and time together... even Mr. Dog even had fun unwrapping his gifts. 



The Granddaughters

• Vacation: I took the last part of the year off for a vacation with the boyfriend. We went to Fresno to visit some of this friends and to take a day trip to Yosemite National Park. We had an amazing time, and I'm so glad that we had that last long weekend together. Even when he was driving me crazy on our 8 mile hike across town it was perfect. We spent a lot of quality time together, had laughs with his friends, saw awesome movies (some on tv, one at the theater), and of course the trip to the snow.
• Yosemite:  I hadn't been to the park in 16 years, and never in the winter time.  It was beyond gorgeous. You can check out the link and see a few of my favorite pictures of the snow and beautiful winter landscapes.  It was probably the best trip I've even taken with someone I've been dating.  We laughed, we fell waste deep into the snow, threw snowballs at each other
• Other Shenanigans
• Our first night in Fresno we saw the movie Django Unchained (the D is silent). It's a Quentin Tarantino flick, and all that entails. It was exciting, funny, violent, and moving.  I'd see it again. It was about a bounty hunter in the South a few years before the Civil War. I don't want to give anything away but in my opinion Jamie Fox and Leonardo DiCaprio deserve an award for their performances.
• After the movie we went to a dive bar called Red Wave for their weekly "Taco Thursday" for tacos and beer with a friend. When that bar closed we went to a more country themed bar to continue the night, then somehow ended up at a house party after that bar closed. Anyway fast forward a couple hours (I wasn't feeling well and I fell asleep on the couch) I get woken up and am told that its time for us to leave by my boyfriend... here leads to a big adventure on our trip.
• The 8 Mile: So around 4 am we leave the house on the North side of town. There's no cab in sight and we set off on foot to his apartment, not exactly sure how long the journey will be.  It took 3 hours and the sun came up on our jaunt. I have never felt more like a hobbit in my life. I was convinced that I had hip displaysia, a sprained ankle, the black lung...when in real life I just learned exactly how out of shape I am and that I'm never going to survive the zombies. We finally got home and immediately went to bed and slept for most of the day. 



Yosemite Coyote
 

• Once we finally woke up it was time to run errands and meet up with some different friends for dinner at my favorite pizza place in Clovis called BC's. They're food is so delicious, they have a wide selection of beers on tap, and both times I've been there I've had a great time.  I'd recommend it to anyone in the area. You will not be disappointed.
• New Year's Eve: was spent with some friends of the boyfriend's family. We played bunco and watched ball drop. There were lots of laughs and it was really funny to see how competitive every one got over a simple game of dice. I didn't walk away a winner that night, but I really enjoyed the evening.  Even though I didn't really know most of the people I spent the holiday with, every one made me feel like I was part of the family and it was great.
• Over 2000+ views :-)  thank you readers! Together we have reached over 2000 views before then end of the year, there's even more now, but I'm not 100% sure what the count was at the end of the month.  I really appreciate all the support and readership.  I plan on blogging thoughout the year as I had in 2012. I look forward to sharing my new adventures with you.

The Break Up

No this isn't going to be salacious, no I'm not going to air dirty laundry... if you're looking for gossip I suggest going to TMZ.com and to not waste your time here. I'm only posting it because it deserves to be recognized, but it doesn't really fit with my happy monthly wrap ups, because lets face it, this isn't a happy time for me.

Yes there are worse things that could have happened and that are happening in the world and that are happening closer to home, and maybe wallowing in self pity is a little indulgent and dramatic... but it hurts damn it, and he mattered, still matters, and it's only been since the 1st, I have the right to grieve over what was lost.



So to answer the questions:

• No it wasn't mutual
• Yes I was surprised (in the moment), although in hindsight there were red flags
• No I'm not angry
• No I don't have anything bad to say about him
• No I don't regret being his girlfriend or giving the relationship a chance
• Yes I think that eventually we can be friends again (even though it might take awhile)
• Yes I'll probably cry about it for a few more days/weeks
• No I'm not posting this for sympathy, to make anyone feel bad, and I'm not trying to be a martyr
• No I don't want you to beat him up
• Yes I realize that pain is temporary and that things will get better in time
• No there wasn't a big fight nor are there juicy details to share

Does that cover them all? If not, it's close enough.

I'm 31 years old, have been dating since I was 18, and this was the first functional relationship I've been in. This is the first time I've felt I could be "me" quirks and all with someone. He helped me work through a lot of issues I've had with the ghosts of boyfriends past, I could talk about my life, my past (it's not that sordid, but there are things that I haven't always been willing to share with other people that I was able to trust him with), he encouraged me to write and to take photos and to chase down the things that make me happy. He was the first guy I dated who was excited to meet my parents and that I wasn't nervous about making the introductions with. He listened when I talked and was sweet and thoughtful. When he made promises he followed through with them. He made me feel safe in a way that no one before him had been able to do.  We weren't together for a long amount of time, we only started dating in June and became "Facebook Official" in late August/early September, but he's one of the ones who have mattered the most....maybe THE ONE who mattered the most, and so I feel like I have to do what is best for him, even if that means he can't be mine anymore. I want him to be able to chase down his dreams to the best of his ability. I refuse to be someone who will hold him back.

I never told him that I loved him and I don't think it would have changed the outcome, except that it would have been harder, and it's the very reason why I have to let him go. I have to let him go. Every time I see it/hear/think that phrase it makes my eyes fill up with tears and my heart feel like it's in a vice grip, but I have to do it. I can't make someone be in a relationship with me if it's not right for him. He has his reasons, and they are valid ones that logically I can understand, emotionally is a completely different story my heart and brain are rarely on the same page. His reasons are the same ones that I've had to break up with someone that I've cared about. He's just not in a place in his life where it works for him. That's not a bad thing, it's not something he's doing to hurt me or manipulate me, its a timing thing. He's not being abusive or mean, he's just being honest...and it makes me want to stay in my PJ's under the covers in a dark room all day (not that I have that option, a girl has to pay the rent).

I know that things will get better. I know that I won't be sad forever. I know that I am loved and lovable...but right now in this moment it's hard to find the silver linings.

Merry Christmas Readers

So readers, were you on the nice list or the naughty list this year? A combination of both?

I hope that you have a fabulous holiday celebration with your loved ones, whether they be family, friends or maybe even co-workers, and that Santa is good to you all.

Hug your loved ones a little closer this year, and remember the ones who aren't celebrating with us this year.

Yesterday marked 16 years since my grandpa passed away and the Coca Cola Santa I posted the picture of always reminds me of him. I think about him often and like to think that he's my own personal guardian angel. I know he's out there looking out for me. It's hard to believe that so much time has gone by, but I know he's been there for our family every step of the way, we've lost a few other close family members over the years, Uncle Junior, my brother Everett, and Aunt Josephine and I still find myself watching the door for them to walk in sometimes. Christmas time is a time for celebrating family and it feels different when members are missing, but I think it just makes you cherish the ones who are still here more.

Have a safe and healthy holiday friends. I can't wait to hear about your experiences and maybe even a few shenanigans.  Talk to you soon.

Merry Christmas
Love
Lauren

How Do You Say Goodbye?

Last week I had to say goodbye to a loved one. Sunday night (September 16th) I received a phone call letting me know that my great aunt had passed away, and while I was shocked, it was hardly shocking news. My aunt, Josephine, had suffered from dementia for the past three and a half years, and for as long as I can remember her life had been peppered with various health ailments. She had been mourning the loss of her husband for the past ten years and had been looking forward to joining him.

She was a woman who devoted her life to her family. She raised my father and his sister, my aunt Cindy, so that my grandmother could work. She took care of me and my cousins so that our mothers could work as well. She loved her pets (dogs, cats, birds, and whatever strays wandered into the yard), she was a great cook, collected angels, and was hooked on her soap operas.

So how do you say goodbye to someone who played such a major role in your life? I probably spent 90% of my childhood at her house, she was there the day I was born, she was there when I graduated from high school and college, and every important event in my life. She held my hand when I was sick or scared, and she shared my joy on some of my happiest days.

So how do you say goodbye? Maybe you don't. Maybe you just celebrate the life they lived and know that they're finally where they want to be. You are relieved that they are no longer in pain. You realize that you will miss them and that holidays won't be the same without them, but at the same time they're never really completely gone as long as you hold them in your heart. They're never gone as long as when you think of them it brings a smile to your face. It's never goodbye, it's always thank you for loving me and I'll see you on the other side.

In Love with Love

I’ve been in an amazing mood today.  I’m not sure if it was because I dumped out all my feelings in my last post or if it was just a really good mood today.  I’d like to think it was in part because I saw a post of a “friend’s” facebook page, I use the quotes because I don’t technically know the person; I’m just a fan.

Anyway it was a super mushy exchange between him and his wife.  They were telling each other how they missed each other and how their lives were better because they had found each other.  They shared a couple inside jokes with each other and that was it.  Seriously, I don’t know either one of them personally and it made my day.

I loved seeing that open affection between two people who mean the world to each other.  I love it when I see that kind of exchange between my real friends as well.  In a society where love and relationships seem to be disposable, bearing witness to people actively engaged in making their partnerships work give me hope.  Love isn’t easy.  If it were easy, everyone would experience and stay in it forever.  If it were easy, it might lose its importance.  Too many people are afraid of the work, they’re scared to death of the bad times, but the hard stuff is what makes the good times so much better.  Working through problems together as a team is what makes you stronger.

Love doesn’t mean that you are going to be happy 100% of the time, love doesn’t mean that your partner will never irritate you; love doesn’t mean that you’re never going to be disappointed; love doesn’t mean that you’ll never argue.  Love means that at the end of the day, despite the differences, you have someone looking out for you, someone who has your best interests at heart, even if doesn’t always feel like it.  Love doesn’t run.  Love doesn’t cheat.  Love doesn’t lie.

There are so many people in this world who haven’t been taught the art of compromise, that haven’t learned how to be patient, that when you love someone you put them first, they think that instant gratification is the only way to be happy.  They get caught up in the lusty honeymoon phase of a relationship and don’t take the time to figure out the important things about the person they are involving themselves with.  I think the biggest problem with celebrity marriages is the whirlwind romance.  They commit themselves to virtual strangers and then are heartbroken and confused when things don’t work out.  Sometimes the fantasy is a polar opposite from the reality, and that’s so hard to accept.  I’ve been there, I know what it’s like to feel like your whole future is scattered like broken glass at your feet.  Looking back at the times where that has happened it has been because I didn’t take the blinders off, I couldn’t see all the red flags, because I was so in love with the idea being in love.

Learn to compromise.  Learn patience. Learn how to put another’s needs before your own.  Learn that just because it is in front of you doesn’t mean that it is right for you.  Find out what is important to the person you are with and if it is something that can be important to you.  Find out what that person hates and if that is also something you can live with.  The relationship is not going to work if you want to have a big family and your partner hates children, this is something you should find out before you get married.  Do you have different religions or political affiliations and can you live with those differences?  Love someone that you can be proud of.  Find the person who makes you a priority, the person who makes you laugh when you feel like crying, find the person who will hold your hand when you’re scared, who is proud of your accomplishments.  Find someone who shares your interests but isn’t your clone.  Love by your own standards, don’t compare your relationship to those around you or the ones you see on TV, I can guarantee you don’t know the whole story in ANY relationship that you are exposed to except for the one you are in.  No matter what you read on TMZ or listen to your friends rant/rave about if you aren’t in it, you don’t know everything.

I’m so incredibly happy for my friends and family members who have found their other halves.  I love seeing your updates and getting your holiday cards.  I love being part of your lives and sharing in your happiness.

I’m 30 years old, single, and I’m not scared.  I have only told two men that I’ve been involved with that I love them.  That isn’t meant to be a sad or depressing statement, it’s just that I think love is a big deal and not something that I take lightly, when I say it I mean it, and part of me will mean it forever.  Yes, I am still someone who is in love with the idea of being in love.  I don’t ever want to change that part of me; I don’t want to get jaded by broken hearts and misplaced affection.  Do I want to have my eyes more open the next time I’m in a relationship? Of course I do, I don’t want to be lied to or manipulated anymore than anyone else, but I never want to be afraid of falling in love.