Little Update

I haven't checked in with personal life stuff in awhile and I thought it was time to post a short update.

We'll start with a career change.... 

Today marks the end of my 3rd week at my brand new job, in an industry I never saw myself in... and let me tell you, I love it.

After nearly 15 years in customer service focused jobs, whether that be retail, managing the gym from hell, or car rental, I found myself exhausted and looking for a change.  A friend of mine mentioned a job opening at the company she works for and less than a week later I had a job offer.... one with higher pay, better benefits, a more relaxed atmosphere, and almost zero customer interaction.  Needless to say I jumped at the opportunity, and it might be the best job decision I've ever made.

Moving on to a location change....

In July the BF and I moved from our house in town... to a tiny little map dot about 12 miles east.  It's been a surprisingly easy adjustment... except for all the dirt, seriously, I've never swept so much in my entire life and I still can't keep up with it.  Our dog, however, loves the increase in dirt to play in and stinky things for him to roll in.  We're considering finding a friend for him so that he's not lonely while we're at work all day, but we haven't decided what we want yet... we prefer a small-medium adult shelter dog... but that tends to limit our options to yappy chihuahuas, which neither of us are fans of.

The house has required some work, but it's starting to feel like home, the only thing I really miss is the proximity of grocery stores and regular internet access... I  went from living less than a mile away from a store to living 12+ miles away, and while it's not an impossible journey it makes you think about how much you really want something... and makes you plan to pick up things before you go home at the end of the day.


Those are the biggest recent adventures, and I'll try to do better at writing more as I get opportunities, it's just hard without having internet access at home anymore.

Today

 

Weird feelings are beginning to be the new normal. Restless nights are back in full swing and bad dreams are more frequent than they have been in months. Even the great dreams leave a bad taste in my mouth because when I wake up the moment is lost.

Some days this break up is a lot harder than others, at least on the bad days I don't feel the need to share funny stories with him or I know that I should stay away from my stash of Will Ferrell movies (even though WF is my second language). On the good days I forget that he's not "Boyfriend" anymore and I can't want to share my exploits, or ask him if his day was as great at mine. Not every day is a constant struggle though, sometimes I manage to go hours on end without thinking about him, each day gets better, so I know that the future holds a day where I won't think about him, who he's with, or what he's doing at all. At least not in the terms of I wish he was doing all of it with me. I look forward to that day.

I look forward to the day when I can call him my friend and not want more. I feel like that day is much closer than I had originally anticipated.  I truly want good things to happen for him, I want him to succeed and to have an amazing life.  I bear no ill will toward him. I never have, even in the darkest hours of this break up I have never hated him. That's new for me.

I have to say this was the first important break up that I've gotten through without getting drunk or relying on sleep aids to get through the night. I guess this means a girl is growing up.  I did regress a little last week, or maybe the week before, I looked up the one who came before him, to see what the old guy was up to... surprising to say, to see that he was still with the one he left me for and that they look happy and in love didn't hurt my heart. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I was "happy" for him, but I'll say they look like they deserve each other. And you know what I can walk away without pangs in my heart and no bad thoughts. I don't wish him (or her for that matter) any harm or heartache, and I think that's enough. So yes, it was a step backwards to look over my shoulder at what I refer to as "Club Evil" (I was with him during a bad time in my life, and while I thought he was helping me, he was really taking advantage of my vulnerability, and I was naive enough to trust him) I wasn't pulled back in. I didn't stay in the shadows.  I was able to survive that, I will get through this too. This will make me stronger, and it will get me ready for the next journey.

Today, I promise myself that even though I'm going to have moments of sadness and loneliness I won't let it discourage me. I will not give up on the idea of love. I will find that someone who wants to be MY someone. Maybe he'll find me. It will not be my focus in life, but I know it's out there.

For now I'm going to work on healing my heart. For now I will do things that make me happy and fufull me. I will not rely on someone else to create my happiness.

Today I will live for me.