What Not To Say...

I've noticed that a lot of articles about "10 Things Not To Say To _____________ (married people, single people, people with kids, your significant other, people with newborns, people without children, people of different ethnic backgrounds, people with or without pets, people who are people)" are popping up all over social media and all I've taken away from these articles is that people are too sensitive, whiny, and self important.

seriously, don't

If you followed all those "rules" you wouldn't be able to say anything to anyone.  I feel like if you can't say things to your friends, who can you talk to?  Strangers? That's a different story, unsolicited advice from someone you don't know is rarely welcomed.

Yeah, it's annoying when you're single and someone asks "Hey... when are you going to find the right person and settle down?" Like the right person is sitting on a shelf in the grocery store waiting to be picked up with your box of pasta, or when you're dating someone you really like and the questions like "So... when are you going to get married?" start... then you walk down an aisle exchange rings and then people think it's okay to start interrogating you about when the babies are going to arrive, if you've invested enough in your 401K, or once you do hear the pitter patter of small kids people tell you how to raise them, pepper you with questions about college funds and prep schools, and it seems like you can't win.

Here's the thing... and it's something I have to remind myself when I'm getting annoyed... people are asking because they care, because they're trying to help, because they're hoping someone can benefit from their experiences... not because they're sadistic assholes trying to bring your sleep deprived state to the brink of craziness and then push you over the Cliffs of Insanity. Your friends and loved ones want you to be happy, they want to be involved in your life, they want to help in ways that they know how.  Sure it might not be what you want to hear, maybe you'd rather have them bring you a casserole or scrub a toilet for you, or maybe hold the baby so you can shower, or take the dog for a loop around the neighborhood, you know as long as they don't set you up on a blind dates or sign you up for a dating site without your permission.

My suggestions? (in less than 10 bullet points)

• Grow a thicker skin (yeah, that's a douchey thing to say, but it doesn't make it less true)
• If you want to help a friend, instead of putting in your two cents worth of advice maybe ask them "How can I help you?" or "What do you need?" or "This worked for me... maybe it would work for you" instead of "HEY! You're doing it wrong MY WAY is the ONLY WAY"
• Recognize that the world is bigger than you and your experiences... and that life doesn't have to be a competition.
• Don't touch a stranger without permission (don't pet someones hair because you think it's pretty, pregnant bellies are not public property, and not all dogs like unfamiliar people) 
• Intentions matter, even if the road to hell is paved with good ones.  Meaning if someone is trying to be helpful and nice, don't look for reasons to be angry about it.  If someone is being an asshole, then respond accordingly.
• Think about what you're about to say before opening your mouth. If it sounds offensive, it probably is.  Trust me any sentence that starts with "I'm not trying to be {insert word here}, but ________" you are accomplishing that very thing without even trying. Same thing goes for "Just saying...." or "No offense, but....." 
• Understand that different tactics work for different people, and what might be awesome for you might be the worst thing ever for someone else.  You do you, let them do them. 
• Basically treat other people the way you'd like to be treated, no matter how different they may be from you.  We learned this in kindergarten, let's apply it to real life.

"You Get What You Settle For" - Louise Sawyer, Thelma and Louise

I'm not a big fan of settling, I'm willing to wait for what I want most of the time... so when I see people I care about settling for less than what they want or deserve in relationships it truly baffles me.

Are you really too cheap to buy an electric blanket to warm your bed at night?

Why do so many men and women stay in unsatisfactory relationships with someone they're only dating?  I can understand trying to work things out if you're in it for the long haul, but why would you stay with someone who has made it abundantly clear (many times) that a) they aren't in love with you, b) wouldn't miss you if you were gone, c) doesn't see ANY kind of future with you.

Are you REALLY that masochistic? I know you can't be naive enough to believe that you can change someone's feelings just by waiting it out.

And for the person who allows the relationship to continue even though you don't want it... why?  Why do you want to waste your time, and someone else's?  Why do you want to tease someone who you know is crazy in love with you when you know you'll never return the feelings?

Are you REALLY that sadistic? I've seen you be so much better than this, why are you hurting someone on purpose, because you are.  You know that your actions (or inaction) and your lack of feelings are hurting this person, but you haven't been firm in telling them to pack their bags.  Are you lazy? Or just that emotionally bankrupt that having anyone (even if it's the wrong one) love you is better that being single (even if you don't love them)?

None of this is okay.  Breaking up can be hard, painful, and ugly... but you know what is worse? Wasting years of your life with someone that you don't care about or who doesn't care about you.

Graduation Day

This year marks the 15 year anniversary of graduating from high school, and the 10 year milestone for graduating from the university. 

I’m not sure if I know anyone who is celebrating their own graduation this year, but if I could give my younger self some advice it would go something like this.

Work hard to accomplish your goals even when it’s easier to be lazy, it’s not the grade that is important, it’s the life skills you gain by learning time management and the satisfaction of a job well done.  Even though group projects are THE WORST, they prepare you for life outside of school and learning how to work well with difficult people is something you’re going to have to get used to.  You will discover that your best friends will filter through the time and miles, and that you don’t need to see them every day to stay close to them.  People will surprise you, both good and bad, and you will surprise yourself.  Be true to who you are, and even though it’s completely clichéd don’t sweat the small stuff.  Remember that your actions have consequences, not only for yourself but for others around you as well.  You are not an island.

Play harder.  Fall in love with life over and over again.  You’ll never have the free time and lack of responsibilities like you do now again, at least not until you retire or marry a billionaire, and you can’t count on either of those future options.  Laugh as much as possible, spend time with your family, you don’t know how much time you have left with them.  Never forget to say “I love you” there will come days that you’ll regret that you didn’t say it enough to the people who needed to hear it the most.

Experience new things, you’re going to love sushi, and stop being afraid of change.  Be bold, be brave, and sometimes leap before you look.  Don’t panic when things don’t go as planned, detours are often the best part of adventures.

Be careful who you give your heart to, but at the same time never be afraid of love.  Even when that certain someone breaks your heart, and he will, love is always a gift.  You will get hurt, life doesn’t come with a floatation device and some days you’ll feel like you’re drowning, but you have to keep swimming, even if you get tired.  Remember the good times, but don’t let them blind you to dangerous situations.  Be gentle with other people’s hearts too, even if you can’t love them back, don’t be callous, and don’t hurt them on purpose.  It’s much kinder to rip a band aid off than to slowly tear every hair out one by one, it may not seem like it in the moment, but it really is.

Above all stay honest, speak your mind, do not allow yourself to be silenced.  Your stories matter, your voice needs to be heard.  Never stop sticking up for the underdog even when it’s hard and it might make people uncomfortable.  Do what feels right in your heart even if it means taking a different path that the one you originally started on.

Learn to let go of the toxic people in your life, you may not always be able to avoid them, but you don’t have to go out of your way to make space for them in your heart either.  If someone treats you poorly on a regular basis, they are not your friend, stop making excuses for their bad behavior and move on, it won’t always be easy, but your mental health will thank you for it down the road.  Hold the people who support you, who inspire you, who grow you, close to your heart.  These are the people who will be there for you whether you live 2 miles away or 2,000.  Be the kind of friend that will answer the phone at 2am and come to a friend’s rescue, no questions asked. 

There are going to be hard days ahead, really really hard days, ones that make you wonder why you even got out of bed.  Your friends are going to be the ones to get you through these days, whether they offer you a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear, a road trip to distract you, or they crawl in bed with you so that you don’t feel so alone.  Remember that there will be better days to come, and that while some things you never really get over, it will get easier to roll out of bed and learn to smile again.  No one gets through life unscarred, you have to make a decision to be a victim or a survivor, sometimes you have to make that very conscious choice every day.  You absolutely cannot let the bad days defeat you.  You are allowed to cry, you are allowed to be vulnerable, you are allowed to feel scared and weak, you are NOT allowed to give up.

Be passionate about the world around you.  Never lose the joy of learning new things, never stop challenging yourself.  You are a creative person so lose yourself in your art whether it’s taking photographs, drawing, writing, or any other mediums you pick up on your journey.  Change the world around you, make it a better place, find a cause that you can fight for. Be an advocate, an ally, and let your voice ring out among the masses.  There is so much wrong in the world, do your part to set things right.

Do your best to live a life with as few regrets as possible, try not to stay angry at people who have disappointed you. You do not always have to forgive and forget, but you do have to let go and move on.  If you’ve done something that you are sorry for, apologize sincerely.  If someone has hurt you, find a way to get passed it, even if that means letting go of the relationship (whether that be a friendship, a romance, a negative work environment, or maybe even a family member).  You cannot control other people’s behaviors, but you can control your reaction and limit your interactions.  Try not to hold hate in your heart, it only hurts you, it won’t always be easy but it is important.

I have found that the easiest way to be happy is to find joy in the small things, minimal traffic on the way to work, flowers blooming, good coffee in the morning, eyeliner applied perfectly the first time, casual hot tub nights with the girlfriends, spending time in nature, late night talks with people who make me laugh, guilty pleasures like celebrity gossip and fashion, reading, bright colors, Harry Potter on DVD, and good food.  Your goals and ideas about how your life should be will change over and over again and that’s okay, there’s no shame in changing your mind or deciding that maybe you were a little off in the coordinates you used to map out your life.

Come On Get Happy

The other day I posted a funny .gif parade that I titled "We Choose Our Own Happiness" and while in itself, the post was a bit of a joke, there is a lot of truth in the statement.

I think people, myself included, often look to the outside to fix whatever is bothering them, whether it be a job that they are unhappy with, the town they live in, family members that they butt heads with, the people they surround themselves with, and the list goes on. However, if you're looking for someone, or some thing else to make you happy, you're doing it wrong.

There are absolutely situations that you cannot control, and they will affect your emotions, there isn't anything wrong with that.  Sometimes a stranger is going to be rude to you, sometimes a family member is going to hurt your feelings, sometimes someone you love is going to disappoint you, that's part of the human experience.  Your reaction, and your ability to let it go, is completely up to you.

Change isn't easy, in fact it's probably the hardest thing humans ever have to do.  It's easy, even if it isn't satisfactory, to live the status quo.  If you want to lose weight, you aren't going to do so laying in bed watching Harry Potter movies every day after work (looking in the mirror) you have to eat better and exercise... but cheese is delicious and cardio sucks balls... there are always excuses, there are always reasons (tired, busy, stressed at work) to do the easy thing, but you can't expect to wake up one morning looking like Giselle if you aren't willing to do the work.

It's the same thing if you're in a toxic relationship, if you aren't willing to talk to your partner, to explain why you aren't happy and figure out how to make the changes necessary to get better, you're always going to be upset and resentful that the person you care for can't read your mind.

For people who are chronically lonely, being a hermit isn't going to solve the problem.  You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone, even if it's just smiling at the person next to you in line at the grocery check out.  Compliment a stranger, call an old friend, hang out in a place that's different than your usual haunts, you aren't going to meet new friends sitting on your couch listening to Ross an Rachel yell at each other about whether or not they were "on a break."  I know that you can meet new people via social networking, I've made some amazing friends that way, but chatting online with someone (as awesome as it can be sometimes, hell sometimes it's just what you need) doesn't always take away the need for human interaction.  This advice also goes for people who are upset about being single, Mike Rowe wrote a great response to someone who was unhappy with his job, and he also commented on how people hate being single, but they're waiting for the "Perfect Person" to fall into their lap and in love... except it doesn't work that way, YOU have to be willing to come out of your shell to meet someone new. You can read it HERE if you're interested.

I know that depression is real, that it isn't just being sad because you didn't get that puppy for Christmas 20 years ago and you just need to get over it and move on with your life.  I know that you can't make someone get help if they don't want it or don't feel like they're ready for it.  I know that you cannot make anyone else happy, just like you cannot depend on someone else to make you happy.

If you feel like you're in over your head and too tired to tread water, please seek help, whether that's calling on a friend, finding a counselor, starting a blog, volunteering at a shelter (human or animal), writing sad country songs,  or start painting your blue period... do whatever it takes to see the sunshine again. And by "whatever it takes" I mean, do something healthy, do something productive, do something to show yourself that there are better days than these.

Let go of the pain (I promise I won't burst into Disney songs here), I'm not telling you to forgive and forget the people who have hurt you, some things aren't forgivable or forgettable, I don't know your story, but you can make it so that past wrongs can no longer hurt you in the future.  Let go of toxic people in your life, even if it isn't easy, let them fade into the background where they belong, do not let them occupy space in your head or your heart, they don't deserve it.

Running on Empty

Some days it seems like the whole world is running on fumes, our tempers are short, our patience nearly non-existent, and we're all looking for that fuel to fill our souls.

Some eat their feelings (guilty as charged), some choose a more healthy route and sweat out the stress, some take it out on their wallets, others might blow off steam by dumping it on someone else, and sadly some find the need to chase the high and try to find peace by masking their pain in dangerous addictions.

I've been trying to find the words for months, long before Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Cory Monteith overdosed.  To say I don’t understand why or how they did this to themselves is an understatement, but not a judgment.  I do understand that depression and addiction know no income bracket, career success, education level, skin color, or national origin, and they don't discriminate.  There isn't some magical formula to decide who will be able to manage their depression in self destructive ways or who will channel it into more healthy outlets.

I'm not going to lie or pretend that it doesn't scare me to see someone I care about battle with their inner demons; it’s hard to watch someone you love be lost.  It’s hard to know that all you can do is be there for them, sometimes it’s hard to WANT to be there for them, because you don’t trust them not to hurt you in the process of hurting themselves. 

I dated a guy once upon a time who was clinically depressed, and when he was on his meds and was gainfully employed, he was a caring, generous, empathetic, awesome man… when he was off his medication, he was a different person entirely, he would be mean just for the sake of being mean, he would disappear for days at a time, and would go so far off the grid that there were times I called his parents to make sure he was still alive.  It’s not easy to love someone like that; it’s an effort you have to make every single day.  You also have to find a way to keep from circling the drain yourself.  In the end, we weren't right for each other and we went our separate ways; but not without leaving some emotional scars behind.

I've learned from other experiences that you can't force anyone to change in ways that they aren't ready for.  It doesn't matter how often you offer to help them, or scold them for making bad choices, they have to reach the decision to climb out of the darkness on their own. 

It's hard to be understanding, it's hard to not be judgmental, it might be impossible to put yourself in their shoes to see exactly what someone else is going through. I know I've sat in judgment of those around me who have struggled with addictive behaviors.  I've asked the questions "Why would s/he do this? They seem to have everything, they have no excuse to not be happy. Why are they so weak to turn to something that they know is bad for them? Didn't their parents pay enough attention to them? Maybe if they hadn't been given everything they wouldn't be seeking this never ending high. Don't they know they're hurting everyone around them? How can they be so selfish?" The truth is none of those questions are helpful, none of the answers change the fact that someone is hurting, and all they do is further traumatize the ones who love the addict, and make the person who is using feel more alienated.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t know when you should stick around and love someone through the pain, or when you should cut them off and save yourself.  Maybe there isn’t an answer, maybe it’s somewhere between, maybe it depends on your relationship with the person and their willingness to get the help they need.  It’s easy and common to be frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad, defeated, guilt, and so much more when you are on the sidelines of someone’s destruction, that’s why there are so many support groups for not only the addicts, but for their loved ones.  Please if you need help, or someone you love does, know that you are valuable, you are needed, you are loved, you are important, and can be stronger than the false ties that bind you in the shadows.

Alcoholics Anonymous
Narcotics Anonymous
Suicide Prevention Hotline
Al Anon, for families of alcoholics
Narc Anon, for the families of drug addicts
for the families of addicts

Unfinished Business...

Unfinished business, it's something that we have all experienced at some point in our lives, maybe you have something hanging over your head at the moment.

For me the way I've felt the best about completing the business, is to just let it go. If it was going to happen, it would have already, it would have been finished in the moment.  Chasing down your high school crush on social networks and maybe even rekindling a virtual friendship hasn't worked for me, and in that I have found that I can still care for someone, and not care about picking up where we left off.

We aren't the same people we were all those years ago, our interests, our passions, the core of who we are has grown up and grown farther apart than the miles that separate us. The awkward chats that were cute and endearing in our teens are just frustrating and unsatisfying at this point.

I can still be happy for you when you're happy, I can cry with you when you're sad, I can stand by your side as your friend, and not want to lie by your side in your bed.

Tell Me What You Want (what you really really want)

Spice girls jokes aside, I think that it's important to know what you want, what is reasonable, and what you're willing to give in relationships, any relationship for that matter, not just the romantic ones.  I think it's good to know where your lines in the sand are, your deal breakers and makers if you will.

I found an old journal from last year while I was cleaning house and there was a really great (patting myself on the back here) entry about what I wanted in a relationship. I've added to it since it's discovery and now I'm ready to share it with the world.

• I'm looking for a partner in life.  I'm not looking for a boss or to take over his mother's job of raising him.
• I want someone who can make me laugh, and understands that sometimes I just need to cry.
• I am looking for someone who makes me feel safe and loved no matter what environment we're in.  I want to trust that we can make it through any situation that is tossed in our direction as long as we're together.
• I need someone who is honest with me, someone who believes in us.  Someone who doesn't find monogamy unreasonable or too demanding.
• I want someone who encourages and inspires my dreams.  Someone who values what I bring to the table, who sees me as his equal and not just entertainment.
• I want someone to share adventures with, who isn't afraid to try new things and will be eager to broaden each other's horizons.
• I don't want to worry about whether or not he'll be able to hold his temper, his alcohol, or other harmful personality traits.  I don't want to clean up drunken vomit or have to slowly back out of a room because I'm scared.
• I want to feel like I belong when I'm with him and his people whether that be his family or his friends.
• I want him to be both intelligent and educated, and to not feel intellectually intimidated by my friends, but at the same time not be a snob about it.
• Ideally I'd like him to be able to look into my eyes and see beyond my "poker face" and know how certain situations make me uncomfortable and do his best to make it better.  I realize that will take more communication on my part.  I will have to learn to open up when something bothers me instead of insisting that it's "fine" when it's not.

This list is not saying that I want him to do all the work to accommodate me and my needs only.  I know that relationships take (some times hard) work, honesty, communication, and compromise.  I know that if I want someone to be supportive of my dreams and to vanquish my fears I have to pick up my sword and be just as willing to slay some dragons for him.  I need to occasionally take the backseat and put his needs first and help him lay his insecurities to rest.

I am experienced enough to know that at this stage in the game no one comes into a relationship without some scars on their hearts and minds.  People have an uncanny ability to heal and move on, but we do so with more caution than when we started out.  Sometimes that means we are extra careful in how we treat others, sometimes it means that we hold people at a distance until trust is gained.  Often times its a combination of the two with a few other unique coping mechanisms thrown in to keep things interesting.

I'm not the girl who stares out her office window waiting for flower delivery on Valentine's Day.  A dozen red roses doesn't prove that someone loves you, it proves that they have money to burn and know how to call a florist.  Cut flowers wither and die in stagnant water and end up dropping sad petals all over your desk within a few days.  Real love is every day, and while romantic gestures are nice (and appreciated) they don't guarantee love.  The boyfriend who always bought me thoughtful gifts every time he went out of town did so because he felt guilty because he was schtooping some other broad in Southern California while to told me his was visiting his parents.  The sweetest and most thoughtful birthday present I ever received from a lover came from someone who responded to an "I love you" with a "you're confused."  I'd rather have someone show their love by being honest, caring, and someone I can count on than celebrate a silly holiday once a year.

Tell me you love me every day, prove it with your actions, and I'll do the same for you.  Make me laugh, hold me when I cry, please be patient when I'm crazy, understand that when I give my heart to you that it wasn't given lightly or without thought.

Single isn't a Terminal Disease

I realized that this is going to be my 150th post, and I thought I should make it one that matters, something beyond pretty pictures and funny stories.  Beauty and laughter are important elements of life, but there are other things to explore as well.

Hello, my name is Lauren, I'm 32 years old, and currently not in a serious relationship.  I have no desire to sign up for any online dating services, be set up on any blind dates, or hang out in dimly lit bars to meet Mr. Right.  I don't hate men by any means, but I do not feel the need to define my life by one.

I am someone who is comfortable in her own skin.  I don’t need to be a half of a couple to be whole.  While I thoroughly enjoy being in a relationship, I also value my independence, and while I can thrive in the company of others I’m not fearful of solitude.

I’m tired of feeling that I should be sorry I didn’t get married and start a family immediately after graduation (high school or college, take your pick), and I don’t want to disparage those who chose that route, but it wasn't the road I wanted to travel.  I haven’t dated the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, let alone someone I’d want to raise children with.  That’s not to say I didn’t love some of the men I've been with, that some won’t always occupy a tiny space in my heart, but there is a reason why they are all ex-boyfriends, in the end we weren't compatible for the long run.  For me I’d rather find that out while dating, than after getting married.

I believe in true love, I believe in forever, and I believe in not settling because you’re scared of being alone.  I believe in being content with your own company, in finding great friends who will stand by your side throughout the trials and tests of time.  I believe in putting good thoughts and deeds out into the universe and that they will be repaid in time, but that often times the rewards are in the deeds themselves. 

Being single has given me the opportunity to find things that challenge me and expand my mind.  I've rediscovered a love affair with my camera and taking photos of local landscapes, it reminds me of what a beautiful part of the world I’m lucky to live in.  I have time to write without feeling rushed or like I’m being selfish with my time when I just want to be lost in my words.  I can read a book without having to hear sports in the background.  I don’t have to divide my time between the people I love and the people I tolerate because the person I love loves them.  Maybe that’s selfish or self centered, but I think it makes me a more balanced person and adds to the list of life’s experiences more than it subtracts.  I don't think you can really know someone unless you really know yourself.  How can you know yourself if you've never spent real time in your own company?

I have friends and family members that are completely baffled by me not being panicked about being single and in my 30s, and I’m equally baffled that they would rather be miserable in dysfunctional relationships than get to know themselves without their partners.  I’d rather take a hot shower, read a good book, and drift off to sleep alone than to feel the coldness of emotional distance from someone that wasn't right for me even if he was right next to me.  Sleeping alone is better than sleeping lonely with someone.

I know when I find someone to share my journey with he will be someone who values my intelligence and independence.  He will be someone who is content to travel beside me as my equal, not in front of me dragging me down his path, nor behind me being pulled down mine.  I’m not in a hurry to find him, we’ll discover each other when the time is right, whether that be tomorrow or sometime in the more distant future, maybe he’s someone I know or is a complete stranger, I don’t know what is in the cards, but I do know that I’m okay with being single.

Being in a relationship is a great feeling, but if you aren't able to appreciate yourself for you who are, no one else will either.  You don’t need to have a significant other to be significant.

Operation Letting Go

I find that in our day to day lives we all get caught up in things that don't really matter. Drama on Facebook, opinions of strangers, bad drivers, that guy who didn't call back after a mediocre first date, rude people in line at the grocery store, we all have our stories about what makes our blood boil.

Here's my advice (and some I really want to take for myself) if whatever is causing your blood pressure to spike, tears to fall, or hand reach for the baseball bat under your car seat doesn't matter in the long run of your life, don't let it matter in the short run either.

Now when I say that they don't matter I mean it in, they aren't part of your life anymore or they play such a bit part that they'll go uncredited or as "Bad Date #45" when they roll the credits at the end of your story. I don't mean that as a human they don't matter and that they should jump off a cliff post haste. I don't mean they should be treated poorly or that you hate them... just that it won't change your life if they aren't part of it. This list can include an ex that you haven't seen in years and don't think you'll ever see them again... they can be people who once were a big deal but aren't on your radar anymore. They can be a childhood friend that's life took a different direction than yours and now all you have in common are a few social network sites. So on that note:

Life is too short to let people who don't matter hurt you or to let them ruin your day. It's nearly impossible to be rational with irrational people and it isn't worth the strain or stress to hang on to your anger.

I'm not saying you aren't entitled to your emotions or that you're feelings aren't warranted, you can feel whatever you want, I'm just saying that guy who cut you off in traffic doesn't even know he's a terrible driver and he doesn't care that you slammed on your breaks, being angry about it for hours/days/weeks later isn't going to solve anything.

When I saw online that an ex of mine (who I haven't had any contact with in getting close to two years now) has moved on and is having a child with someone else, yeah it felt like I was punched in the stomach for a good couple of hours, but after I thought about it, it was good news. It was the final push I needed to really let go, no hurt, no anger, just an overwhelming sense of relief. I know he's gone for good now. He's happy and honestly I'm great with that. I don't want to go back to being the person I was when we were involved, and now that bridge has been so completely destroyed that it's almost like it was never there. We can finally be the strangers we were always meant to be.

I also went through a phase where a friend of a friend was constantly posting things online that would fill me with such hostility that it was affecting my friendship with my ACTUAL friend. I took a deep breath, deleted the person and never looked back. I have found that it was great for my blood pressure and my real life friendships, win-win. Sometimes we just need to cut ties that unnecessarily bind us.

If someone hurt your feelings and they're someone you want to keep in your life, work on resolving the issue so you can both let it go. If it isn't someone you'd like to keep in your life, start making the necessary changes to cut them out. If it's someone that you feel you can't delete from your Facebook friends list hide them from your newsfeed and change your privacy settings so that you don't have to see their posts that make you seethe. If they are someone you can delete/block do so.

People only have as much power over you as you allow them to have, so if they don't matter, don't let them matter.

For Your Sisters, Your Daughters, Your Friends, and most of all for You.

I read an article/letter online last night that really sparked my need to write. It inspired me in a way
that I haven't been inspired in a long time.

The letter itself was a sweet gesture from a concerned father of a young girl. He didn't like how the media and society in general put so much pressure on women to "keep a man interested" whether it be through is stomach or other nearby organs. While I applaud this man on encouraging his daughter to find a man who is genuinely interested in HER and not just what she can do for him, I'd like to take it one step further.

I want to teach young women of the world to be strong, independent, and to determine their worth by their actions and intelligence, rather than teaching them that they are only as worthy as the man who takes care of them.

Teach them how to work for their wants and desires instead of telling them to "find a rich husband" to buy them presents. Teach them that their dreams are within their grasp if they are willing to put in the effort. They should find a partner if/when they want one, but not just as a financial support system.

Teach girls from early ages that education is important, that it's something to be valued, and something that will get them farther in life than perfect hair or a lipstick smile. That beauty may fade but intelligence doesn't as long as you keep feeding your mind.

I want young women to know that they are equals not only to each other but also their young men counterparts. That they should strive to find partners in life, not just replacements for their parents.  How about not being on the hunt for Mr. or Ms. Right, but being confident and comfortable in their own company. That while sharing their lives with someone can be wonderful, you should never define yourself by who your significant other is.

If you do find that special someone to share your life with, the attributes the dad lists in his letter are important, and I don't disagree with him, but I feel like there is so much pressure to find a "soul mate" that many people would rather be miserable in a relationship than be single.

Single doesn't have to be scary or a sign of failure or even permanent. However it is often how you get to know yourself.

This One Is For the Girls

Queue Martina McBride's girl anthem at any time...

If you're a regular here at Adventures you'll notice that I've tackled this subject a few times, in my first blog, in my subsequent Girl Blog posts 1 & 2, and my rants about being treated like an object, and there are more than just the ones I've linked here. Some might think that I'm repeating myself, or maybe call me a self indulgent feminist, or a ball busting frigid bitch. I don't know... I don't particularly care. I will continue to post what is in my heart and mind until the world has changed for the better, so as long as we coast along the status quo prepare yourselves for a loud, opinionated, independent woman. Consider yourselves duly warned.

 

Lessons for the New Generation of Women

• Learn to love and respect yourselves, because no one else will if you don't. If you allow others to walk all over you they will. It isn't always easy to be strong and to stand up for yourselves, but it is worth the fight.
• Be independent. This doesn't mean you shouldn't have someone helping you carry the load some times. Relationships are fantastic when they're healthy, but you should never depend on someone for your survival. Get an education, learn how to balance your checkbook, be able to cook your own meals, and pay your own bills. Forever isn't guaranteed and if that person you depended suddenly isn't there anymore it'll be easier to pick up the pieces and move on if you already have the skill sets in place.
• Be an active participant in life. If something bothers you speak out against it. If something speaks to your heart and inspires you, be vocal for it. Don't let things pass you by because you don't think you can make a difference, you'll be surprised at the sound one tiny voice can make.
• Love your sisters, and not just the biological ones. I know I've written about this before, and I probably will again, but when life gets you down there is no one in life that has your back more than a good girlfriend. She understands the emotions you're dealing with and how sometimes you just need someone to sit next to you to feel better. She understands the need for silence as much as the need to scream. Men can be fantastic support systems for the women they love, but they don't always understand that it takes more than a minute to be okay and that sometimes you have to cry and be angry before you get back to being your normal self. Your girls will understand because they have been there.
• Don't let your dreams be trampled on. So many times I see woman give up things that they love for other's hopes and dreams... or even worse because they feel their dreams aren't logical.  Maybe your dream was to be the next American Idol, but you can't carry a tune in a bucket...that doesn't mean you should stop singing all together. Sing your heart out whenever you get the chance. Maybe you wanted to be an artist, but your work isn't selling and you need to pay the bills, so go get that job that will keep your bank account in the black, but make sure you have the time to create, even if it's just for yourself. I think we've all gotten lost from time to time, but if you don't figure out some sort of outlet to make yourself happy and content you'll just be filled with resentment and that's no way to live life.
• Don't be afraid of your mistakes. Nothing teaches you how to grow and be better than falling down a few times. Every scar has it's own story, you can choose to heal or to pick at the scabs and bleed forever. Failing builds more character than winning, and it's best to learn early in life how to deal with sadness and defeat than to have life kick you in the teeth as an adult and to not know how to deal.
• Develop a good poker face and never let your enemies see you sweat. This world is tough, you have to be tougher. I'm not saying emotions are bad and should be hidden, but sometimes reading a situation and thinking about your reaction can help you out more than a spontaneous outburst.
• It's not shameful to ask for help. This doesn't counter my independence stance at all, it's impossible to do everything and to please everyone. There are occasions where you need to  call in for back up, to delegate, and to take off your superwoman cape and to let someone else save the day. This doesn't mean you're weak or incapable, just that you're strong and smart enough to know when to say "enough is enough."
• Define yourself.... even if you haven't figured life out yet. Be comfortable in your own skin, it's the only one you're ever going to get. If you don't want people to think of you as a "mean girl" don't be a mean girl. You don't want to be seen as a doormat? Don't let people walk all over you. It's not always as easy as that, but if you want to be perceived (or don't want to be) as a certain type of person you have to figure out a way to become that person.
• Check your baggage at the door. This is super hard, not even going to try to deny it, but if you don't let the new people in your life speak for themselves and are constantly comparing them to people of your past (good or bad) you'll never get to really know the person standing in front of you.
• No one is entitled to anything. Ever. Grow up, get a job and be responsible, just because you want something doesn't make it yours until you earn it. Same thing with people, just because you want someone (or they want you) you have to earn your place in their life (or they have to earn a place in yours). It isn't hard to get that spot, be kind, be honest and trustworthy, be supportive when someone needs you, be a good friend.

The more I read through this I realize that it isn't just good advice and wishes for the girls growing up in today's society, but it's good for everyone. I realize that some of the bullet points are easier to follow than others, and you can't do all of them all the time, but as long as their in your thoughts and are things you strive for on a regular basis you'll become a strong individual.

I'll leave you with this today, there is no bigger insult than someone telling you that you're boring and forgettable. Make your mark and carve your name in the history of the world.

Always Look For The Silver Linings

I would like to start this out with a disclaimer.  I do not have any kind of professional or educational background in counseling or psychology.  All of the following advice or suggestions are just from my personal experiences and those experiences of people I know personally.  They are my opinions, feelings, and should be taken as that.

I’ve noticed that a couple friends of mine are having a hard time emotionally as of late, and while I won’t name names or divulge details, I’ll just say it seems their self esteem and views on life seem to be shaken.  I’ve heard that the Holidays can be unnerving for some and downright depressing for others, not everyone’s days are merry and bright this time of year, and I’d like to take the time to tell them that while you may be experiencing heavy storms on the relationship front or maybe other aspects of life (family, work, arguments with friends, loss of loved ones, etc.) this journey will not always be in the Forest of Endless Night, there will be sunshine, I promise.  I can’t tell you when day will break; it comes at different times for everyone, BUT IT WILL COME.  

For those of you, who have lost a loved one, whether to death or a change of heart, please remember your healing process is not on some arbitrary timeline.  Yes, your friends might tire of hearing about your loss, but that doesn’t mean your feelings are any less important or that you should speed your recovery. Take the time to get better instead of burying everything below the surface, because tossing dirt on a problem isn’t going to solve it, emotional issues have the strangest way of unearthing themselves at the most inopportune moments.  Grieving is different for everyone, so what might work for me may not work for you, the trick is to find what works for you and to go after it.

This morning I was texting a friend of mine to cheer her up and I offered up this piece of wisdom, now keep in mind that it’s intent was to make her laugh, but it still rings true.  “You have to protect you first. You’re never going to survive the zombies otherwise.”  Apocalypse jokes aside what I have found when dealing with loss (whether it be a friend or lover or the heartbreaking hybrid) the best thing you can do to get over it is to work on making yourself a better person for YOU, not to get that person back or to get back at them, but so that you can feel good about who you are again.  By protecting yourself I’m talking about not allowing those mean voices in your head to beat you up with a million “what ifs” or “if only I had {insert your personal method of self torture here}” remind yourself of all the things you love about yourself and work on fixing the things that could use some work.  Focus on the silver linings, even if they’re really thin… and if you having a hard time seeing them do not be afraid to ask someone who loves you to point them out for you.  I remember while going through some pretty awful break ups for every one thing I could think of that I missed about my ex, my girlfriends could list 10 reasons why they were grateful I was no longer in such an unhealthy situation.  Silver linings are so important, they are a big reason why I started my “Monthly Wrap Ups” on this blog, they remind me that even in the middle of a personal crisis a bad day doesn’t mean I have a bad life.  I have more things in my life to be grateful for than to be depressed by current setbacks.  It reminds me that depression lies.  It reminds me that even if things are bad now, they will be good again.

Not too long ago (almost two years ago, time seems to fly by a lot faster the older I get) I was feeling somewhat lost and lonely.  I decided the best way to combat those feelings was to embrace them and call the loneliness independence.  I was able to prove to myself that I could enjoy my own company and I could create my own adventures.  I started a photo journal of sorts on Facebook that I titled “Finding My Bliss” and set out on a journey to take day trips and to photograph the process.  I learned things about myself and how to take some really cool pictures.  I’m by no means a professional photographer, nor is that even one of my dreams, but I am someone who likes to create pretty images whether it is through the lens of a camera or with a paintbrush and an arsenal of watercolor paints.  I found that being on the road alone relaxed me and gave me a time and place to think about what was going on in my life, and how incredibly lucky I am to live where I do, and to have the ability to just get in my car and go wherever the road may lead.  It taught me that while it is an incredible feeling to have that someone special to share your life with, you can also make some pretty amazing memories while you’re single.

For my friends who’s self esteem has taken a hit recently, I can say all the words in the world (and I mean them from the bottom of my heart) but I know that it is up to you to believe them for them to matter.  I will never stop telling you how important you are, how beautiful you are, how intelligent, and how anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives.  How anyone who doesn’t see how amazing you are clearly is stupid and doesn't deserve you.  But until you believe it yourself, they are just words.  You have to be able to look in the mirror and see the awesome for yourself.  It’s in there, I promise.  I wouldn’t make time for you in my life if you weren’t special.

This post is in no way meant to trivialize anyone’s pain, but only to remind you that it is temporary.  Work through the darkness even when it seems endless.  Find joy in the little things, because it’s often the smallest things that mean the most.  Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and don’t be afraid to cut out the ones who weigh you down (even when it’s scary to say goodbye).  Don’t worry about what other people think about how long it’s taking you to heal.  Get better on your own schedule, I’m not suggesting that you wallow in pain forever, but as long as you are actively trying to get better realize that there will be good days and bad days, there will be giant leaps forward and there will be setbacks, that is normal.  Just try not to let your pain define you.  You are better than that, and if all else fails dance it out.

Every Storm Runs Out Of Rain

Don't You Know You're Beautiful


Life Lessons Shouldn't Come from Hollywood.

I just read an article, not sure which news source because there were too many and I opened a few articles, saying that it was bad for America if Rihanna and Chris Brown get back together. Ummm no. It's NOT bad for America, its bad for Rihanna.

They went on to say that whether she likes it or not she's a role model and is setting a bad precedent for young girls/women that its okay to forgive/forget/go back to your abuser. Maybe parents/teachers/friends/counselors/other family members of young girls/women should use this opportunity to talk to them about why this behavior is dangerous and sadly normal.

It's not a celebrity's job to raise your children, and while it might take a village, the largest life lessons are taught in your own hut. Teach your daughters to be strong, independent, and that they don't need no stinking man who thinks its okay to knock them around.

Teach your SONS and DAUGHTERS that a REAL MAN would never raise his hand in anger towards a woman. That a REAL MAN handles his anger and frustration without resorting to violence. Ladies, that isn't a lesson just for the men either, violence isn't the answer. Abuse is abuse regardless of which gender is the assailant. Teach your sons that no means no NO MATTER WHAT. Teach your children that they are responsible for their actions and reactions. They are not responsible for their abuser's behavior, and while they might eventually get to a place where they can forgive someone for hurting them, they should never forget.

Don't expect Rihanna to teach that lesson to your children, it's not a lesson she's learned yet.

Girl Blog 3 of 3: A New Wishlist

Happy Anniversary Blogger, its been a year already and I think its appropriate to celebrate with a new wish list. My first post on this site was My Wish List and while a lot of these wishes are still hopes I have for the future its time for a new list.

My hopes for women haven't changed, if anything I hope that in the years to come we won't have to still be fighting the same battles our grandmothers fought for equality, reproductive freedom, and won't be judged on anything but our own personal merit.

A lot has happened since I posted my wish list last year, it was a chronical of my thirtieth year in many ways... and with the year winding down for me (my birthday is Friday, if you want to send presents I'm totally on Amazon.com) I thought maybe this could be a New Year's Resolution type post. Not just wishes for the population as a whole, but more localized.  The way I want to live 31.

• Don't sweat the small stuff.
• I know its totally cliched, but I get so caught up in making things that don't matter in the long run matter in the present that I lost sight of what really is important.
• Chill on the out of control spending
• Do I really need that sweater in 4 different colors? Will two or {gasp} one suffice? Do I really need it at all?
• Write More
• Whether it be here on the blog, or short stories, or in a journal, set the pen to the paper and get the words out.
• Appreciate EVERYTHING
• Good times, bad times they all have their lessons to teach.
• Experience the Out of the Ordinary
• Take chances that I wouldn't necessarily always take. Who knows where it could lead.
• Don't Be Afraid to Say No
• I know this almost contradicts the one that I posted before, but this is more in the sense that I tend to overload myself because I want to be able to do it all. Sometimes I need to sit back and either let something slide or let someone else handle it. I don't need to be in charge all of the time. I can share the reins.
• Cultivate Positive Relationships
• Sometimes people are in your life for a season, sometimes a few years, sometimes a lifetime. Everyone you meet has a specific purpose in your life, even if its just a small encounter, who knows where you might find inspiration to do the next big thing.

I think that these are all do-able goals and I look forward to tackling the new year.

I'll Get There When I'm Ready

I find myself often being a person that friends, family, and friends of friends or family turn to for advice. I'm really not sure why that is, especially when it comes to relationship advice seeing has how I have never been in a healthy stable relationship, but never the less I'm someone people turn to.

I am so honored that people trust me in that manner even if they don't know me that well. Maybe they find that I listen well and I try not to judge too harshly.

I'm starting to think that it's getting time to take my own relationship, or rather breaking up advice, and that is this: You'll let go when you're ready.

Yes I know it's all vague and zen, but it's true. The brain and the heart aren't always in agreement on when the appropriate time to let go of someone you loved is, eventually they will get on the same page and you will let go at that point.

My plan is to stop beating myself up over having feelings for someone longer than some ambiguous deadline that I've given myself. I know I don't want to be with that person anymore and any hope for reconciliation has long vanished, I know this person will never be what they once were to me and 99 out of 100 days I'm okay with that fact. However on that one day my heart takes over and makes me wistful for the fantasy of what could have been "if only"

Today was that one day. I spent all day on the verge of tears and my stomach all tied in knots and I was angry about it. So fucking angry. Why can't I stop feeling? How can you still hurt me even without doing anything? We haven't had any contact in 6 months and you haunt my dreams. It isn't fucking fair.

For whatever reason my heart isn't ready to let go. It will when it's ready.

Maybe it will take meeting someone new, maybe it will just take time to build up some scar tissue over the open wounds. I'm ready to start giving other people a chance, even if I get hurt again, I refuse to allow you to keep me running scared. I'm stronger than you ever gave me credit for.

Maybe I'm closer to ready than I thought, and even if I'm still straddling the fence I can keep my eyes on the horizon and know there are better days ahead.

SSFW: A giggle inducing guide to life, sex, and stuff

This blog is sort of co-authored by The Elitist.She had this idea that she wanted to post a blog about all the things she's learned from men in the past 15 months and have it be really silly and fun... I started texting her funny lessons I've learned dating in the past decade and she decided that maybe I should post the blog myself. 

So in no particular order, and by no particular order, I will list the following lessons by bullet point. Feel free to guess who said what and it might be a good idea to not have a beverage while reading. There were a few other contributors to the list and if you have any to add feel free to add them to the comment section. There is always room for more giggles. If you want a more serious list of the dating lessons I've learned over the years check out my blog about Loving Mr. Wrong  or being In Love With Love Apparently I write about relationships... but really what is life about if not relationships. They don't all have to be romantic, but human interaction is what we do.

Time to stop feeling philosophical and start making the list...

• I was introduced to medium rare steak, bread and butter pickles, and diet dr. pepper, those were the best things I can take from that relationship
• Always were a pony tail (for those with long hair) during kinky sex or you'll never get the tangles out.
• Semen in the eye stings like a mother fucker, but can be an effective hair gel if you run out.
• OMG cum in your eye will leave you with a red eye for three days and will ruin your contact
• If you have high intakes of wasabi and garlic in your diet, that's what your spunk will taste like and she'll never swallow again
• Or let you cum in her mouth again
• Shaved balls are gross
• If the rest of your body is hairy, do not shave your balls, it's alarming
• Gatorade immediately after a bender will help make the hangover more manageable the next day.
• Please refrain from using cutesy nicknames on the second date, wait until we're in a relationship, and even then be careful some are just cringe worthy.
• Don't forget to break up with your significant other/roommate before bringing new dates home, the outcome will be less than stellar.
• Change your sheets between bed buddies, no one appreciates souvenirs from previous guests 
• Never tell someone you're sleeping with that you love them... like a sibling
• No one wants to blow Swamp Thing, keep it clean friends.
• There is a right way and a wrong way to 69, him on top with swamp crotch = the wrong way
• Booty Call Rules are as Follows:
• if he calls after 10:59 its a booty call
• he needs to be single
• he can't meet your family
• he can come to your place
• he just needs to be single and hot!
• if your BC is your crush's bff don't expect your crush to ever be your BF
• its super hard to transition from a BC to a relationship... not saying it can't happen, but don't expect it to.
• If she's more interested in the cartoon going on in the background, you're probably doing it wrong
• Do not tell me you have a 24'' cock, because I will laugh at you and call you a liar. Its involuntary, really, when someone tells you something that ridiculous laughter is imminent.
• Ziploc is not an effective form of birth control
• If you're planning on breaking up with a girl, please don't take her on a super romantic vacation immediately before. It just makes goodbye that much harder and you kind of look douchey.
• Led Zepplin makes a perfect making out soundtrack
• Whiskey dick is NEVER appreciated.
• There is a right way and a wrong way to pull a girl's hair... if her reaction is a confused look or "ouch ouch that hurts!" you probably did it wrong.
• Sometimes the best sex is the kind that makes you burst out in uncontrollable laughing... no honey I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing because I'm having a good time.
• Fake boyfriends can never know that they are the fake boyfriend.
• You really shouldn't be proud that girls tell you "8 Second Ride" is your theme song, it doesn't mean what you think it means...
• You may think having long hair is sexy, but seeing as how it always doubles as something to grab onto, I'm always in some sort of a back-bend. No wonder I end up having sex on my head so often. Its like a permanent yoga session in my bedroom.

Lessons in Loving Mr. Wrong

This started out as something much longer, I had explanations under every header at least four or five sentences long, it ended up being roughly four pages long, and I felt like it was less meaningful.  I started talking in circles and was getting so philosophical that I lost my way.  Instead I’m just going to list the lessons I’ve learned over the years of loving the wrong men, because after all there hasn’t been just one Mr. Wrong. 

Now it is not my intention to bash all the men I’ve dated or had feelings for, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and I’m willing to accept responsibility for any part I’ve played in hearts getting broken.  That being said, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself, and a few coping mechanisms on how to deal with a bruised ego, broken heart, and oceans of tears.

I’ve learned that once someone gets in your heart, really deep in there, they never really get out, and that it isn’t always the curse it might feel like initially.  I’ve learned to accept responsibility for my own actions, but to also place blame where it is due.  I know that in plenty of dating situations I’ve given all that I could, that I’ve done everything in my power to make it work, but I also know that there have been times where I wasn’t invested enough to put the effort in to have a successful partnership.

Now that I’ve gotten the disclaimer out of the way, here goes the list of lessons learned.

1.       Don’t Forget To Love Yourself

2.      Sharing Is Great, When You Both Share

3.      If It Feels One Sided It Probably Is.

4.      If You Want To Be Treated Honorably, Behave Honorably

5.      Listen To Your Gut And Your Friends (even when you don’t feel like following their advice)

6.      Don’t Beat Yourself Up Over An Ended Relationship

7.      Recognize That It Ended For A Reason (this is when logic trumps emotion)

8.      Holding A Grudge Doesn’t Solve Any Problems

9.      Just Because You Have A History Doesn’t Mean You Have A Future

10.  It Is Not Possible To Love Someone Enough For Both Of You

11.  Settling For Less Than What Makes You Happy Makes You Resentful

12.  Loving Someone And Being In Love Are On Different Planets.

13.  Just Because His Family/Friends/Pets Fit, Doesn’t Mean He Does

14. Stop Chasing Someone Who Doesn't Want To Be Caught.

15.  You Can’t Fix Someone Who Doesn’t Know He’s Broken

16.  Know When To Lace Up Your Walking Shoes

17.  Time Really Is The Only Healer

Some of you may notice that my list is ripe with clichés and I won’t deny it.  There are reasons you have heard a lot of these things every time you get hurt, they are all true. Some are easier to deal with than others and you won’t believe any of them until you experience them for yourself.  I didn’t learn these lessons in any particular order, nor do they have an order of importance, and I know there is a lot more left for me to learn about love and relationships.  I am in no way ready to give up on finding love and Mr. Right, but I am learning to be more careful about who I give my heart to.

Helpful Resume and Interview Tips and Pointers

Both of these are listed on my facebook page, and are about a year old each... however as we embark upon the hiring journey, I felt it appropriate to share again, and as a single post.

Resume Pointers:

1. If you claim to be a perfectionist, that you always pay close attention to detail, and will do whatever it takes to make sure you get the job done right the first time, PLEASE remember to hit the spell check button on your word processing program. Also make sure your grammar is at least passable, I'm not an English teacher, but when your sentence structure is so poor that it makes it difficult to read your cover letter, I probably won't even print your application and turn it into our hiring manager. Plus simple mistakes like these prove that you are not in fact a perfectionist, and that you do not pay close attention to detail, that in truth you are just using the buzz words that EVERYONE puts on their resumes to make them sparkle. I want diamonds people, not glitter.

2. Your resume is much easier to read/print/pass along to the hiring manager if you attach it as a PDF file or a word document instead of embedding it in the email.


3. If the job posting specifically states that the job requires that you have nights and weekend availability, please do not submit an application if you do not have those hours available.


4. If the posting specifically states that you email your resume and cover letter to an email address required, please do not respond to the email:

       "I do not wish to submit my resume via email, I'd much rather come in and apply in person and give you my resume then, please contact me as to when and where this would be most convenient, and I'll try to work it into my schedule"

Please remember that you are applying for a job to work for me, not the other way around, and if you cannot follow simple instructions as to how to apply to the job, I'm guessing you will not follow instructions when it comes to actually doing the job (and I will not respond to your email, nor will I forward this message on).

5. Please do not use fancy fonts, this will not make your resume stand out in a good way; it will just make it annoying and hard to read.

6. Please keep your resume to one page, two only if you are including a cover page or references. I don't need to know about jobs you had 10 years ago on your resume. I do not appreciate 5 page resumes.

7. If your resume is going to have an "Objective" section, please make sure it applies to the job you are applying for. If you are applying for a job as a Part-Time Car Rental Counter Agent, it doesn't make sense for your objective section to say you are looking for a "Full-Time Child Care Provider" position.

Helpful Interview Hints:

Over time I have come across a few things that I think might be helpful for those out in the job market. Just remember you start getting judged when you turn in your resume, not just when your interview is scheduled to start.

Make sure you dress appropriately, first impressions are important and if you look like a slob then your potential employers are going to assume that you are not serious about the job you are applying for. Here are a few fashion faux pas...

1. Sneakers (especially brightly colored keds that would be more appropriate roaming the grounds of a High School Musical) are not professional work wear, leave them at home.

2. Jeans are too casual for an interview for an office position.

3. Sandals are not appropriate office shoes (and we're talking beachy sandals, not dressy ones)

4. Overbearing perfume/cologne is not appreciated, it makes me want to vomit. Just be clean because I'm pretty sure that body odor would technically be worse.

5. Brush your hair. Just because Justin Bieber looks "cute" with shaggy hair doesn't mean that you do.

Make sure you are prepared for the interview

1. Punctuality is important, know where you are going and how to get there. You shouldn't have to call the office where you interview is being held MULTIPLE times to confirm your interview time (unless it has been rescheduled MULTIPLE times).

2. Leave your starting point with enough time to get there, and a couple of minutes to spare in case you miss your exit.  Google Map your destination so you don't get lost if you are unfamiliar with the area you are going to.

3. If you can't drive/walk/bicycle etc yourself to the interview and have to bring a friend, it is not appropriate to bring them into the office with you and have them hang out in the lobby for moral support. They take up valuable space that an actual customer could use. Make them wait in the car or go run an errand, but you don't need to use the buddy system when it comes to job interviews. Trust me, it just makes you look pathetic.

4. While we're on the subject of pathetic... Don't kiss my ass. I'm not going to put in a good word for you just because you are nice to me. Don't fail on the above mentioned items and I'll be much more impressed.