When Reality Checks Your Privilege

I want to say that last night I witnessed the worst display of parenting in my life... except that it would imply that some sort of parenting was involved.

Even as I write that it makes me wonder what these kids' lives are like, I just got a snapshot, I don't know what life is like at home for them, what their parents are like, or if they even have adults looking out for them in the slightest... if their parents have 3 jobs and are never home just to keep a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs, the children all seemed fairly clean (although they were in a swimming pool, so who really knows) and well fed, so at least they had that going for them.

I know these statements seem to start in the middle of a story that I haven't told yet, and I will get there, but those are the thoughts that are running through my mind presently.

Last night started like any other night might, a friend of mine texted me asking if I wanted to come over to hang out at the pool in her apartment complex. My only plans for the evening included drinking a beer and watching One Tree Hill reruns so I of course jumped at the chance to beat the heat at the pool. The original intent of the evening didn't include anything more than sitting on the pool deck with our feet/legs in the water, but after witnessing some abysmal swimming skills in the kids that surrounded us, we decided to suit up and school the youngsters (in the best, most patient, looking out for their best interests, not letting them drown in 3 feet of water manner)... also the cute 10 year olds had been cajoling us to get in and play for the better part of an hour.

So we helped the kids with their technique for awhile, then decided to get into the hot tub (it was getting cold outside, it was after 9pm at this time), and the kids followed us in like lost puppies. It was painfully obvious these kids were starved for positive adult attention... even while we were helping them with their swimming every once in awhile one of the boys would get a panicked look on his face and ask "Is this okay? Am I wrong?" it was heartbreaking. We talked about school, and how important it is to do homework and get good grades, and you could tell this was something new to these kids. They were so excited to talk about their accomplishments and dreams for the future, about who they wanted to be when they grew up, and if they should worry about finding a girlfriend now or wait until they're older (we advised that they wait).

As the minutes tick by we notice that no parents or even adults are showing up to pick up the kids as the pool is getting ready to close. One of the boys mentions that they all walk home to neighboring complexes, and one had quite a bit further to go alone (probably about a mile away, but it was late and not on the best side of town), my friend and I were horrified that someone would allow their 5th grader to not only go swimming without adult supervision (or stronger swimming skills) AND that they would allow them to walk home that late at night, we were slightly less horrified that it was close to 10 pm and he still hadn't done his homework (because honestly, his safety is more important than a spelling list). Then we were faced with a really tough decision. The boy asked us (strangers) to give him a ride home, normally he'd walk, but it was getting cold outside.

We didn't know what to do. We didn't want him to walk home without an adult, but it's inappropriate for adults to have strange children in their car. What would happen if for some reason we were pulled over and couldn't explain why he was there, or who he was for that matter. What if his parents saw him with us and were pissed off that we intervened. What if we let him walk home by himself and someone hurt him, kidnapped him, if he got lost didn't make it back to his house? In the end we were more concerned that something bad would happen to him if we let him walk by himself (even though he does it all the time and doesn't even know what a curfew is) than what might happen if someone saw him in the car.

My heart is still heavy 15+ hours later.

Reality hits hard.

I lived in that same complex (as the pool was, not that he lived in) when I was his age, 22 years ago. My mother would have NEVER allowed me to go to the pool unsupervised, and I was a fairly decent swimmer. She would have never let me out of her sight after dark. If she had to work late there was always someone to take care of me and make sure I was safe and warm.

I think I knew in the back of my mind that there were kids like these boys out there. That at a young age were basically on their own and dealing with life without supervision, but I hadn't really seen it in person... or maybe I never paid attention.  My mind was completely blown that there are people in this world who would be okay with their kids playing in a pool without a lifeguard, adult supervision, anyone with basic knowledge of CPR or First Aid, that they didn't know that there would be some one there to jump in and pull their kid out if he got into trouble. That they were okay with their kids in a swimming pool without really knowing how to swim. There was no one there to tell them that running on the slippery pool deck was dangerous, that diving into the shallow end of the pool could lead to catastrophic injuries, that it's not polite to splash strangers (okay this was the least of my worries, but in the beginning my biggest annoyance). These kids didn't even know there was anything wrong or (I hesitate to say) abnormal about the situation.

Looking back I realize that any time I ever felt like my mom was too strict, that I should have been allowed more freedom, more independence, any type of less involvement I WAS WRONG. She made rules and had expectations to keep me safe, smart, and on track to having a decent future. I never had to look to strangers for anything. I never felt unloved or unimportant. When I spoke to her she listened... and while like a lot of kids I was afraid of failure, it was because I didn't want to disappoint her because she believes in me, not because I thought that if I did something wrong that she wouldn't love me as much.

I may not have grown up in a mansion, but I always knew I was loved and well taken care of, that I never had to want for anything truly important, and that's really the biggest privilege of all...and I realize that it's incredibly sad that those things are a privilege and not a right of every child.

For Your Sisters, Your Daughters, Your Friends, and most of all for You.

I read an article/letter online last night that really sparked my need to write. It inspired me in a way
that I haven't been inspired in a long time.

The letter itself was a sweet gesture from a concerned father of a young girl. He didn't like how the media and society in general put so much pressure on women to "keep a man interested" whether it be through is stomach or other nearby organs. While I applaud this man on encouraging his daughter to find a man who is genuinely interested in HER and not just what she can do for him, I'd like to take it one step further.

I want to teach young women of the world to be strong, independent, and to determine their worth by their actions and intelligence, rather than teaching them that they are only as worthy as the man who takes care of them.

Teach them how to work for their wants and desires instead of telling them to "find a rich husband" to buy them presents. Teach them that their dreams are within their grasp if they are willing to put in the effort. They should find a partner if/when they want one, but not just as a financial support system.

Teach girls from early ages that education is important, that it's something to be valued, and something that will get them farther in life than perfect hair or a lipstick smile. That beauty may fade but intelligence doesn't as long as you keep feeding your mind.

I want young women to know that they are equals not only to each other but also their young men counterparts. That they should strive to find partners in life, not just replacements for their parents.  How about not being on the hunt for Mr. or Ms. Right, but being confident and comfortable in their own company. That while sharing their lives with someone can be wonderful, you should never define yourself by who your significant other is.

If you do find that special someone to share your life with, the attributes the dad lists in his letter are important, and I don't disagree with him, but I feel like there is so much pressure to find a "soul mate" that many people would rather be miserable in a relationship than be single.

Single doesn't have to be scary or a sign of failure or even permanent. However it is often how you get to know yourself.

This One Is For the Girls

Queue Martina McBride's girl anthem at any time...

If you're a regular here at Adventures you'll notice that I've tackled this subject a few times, in my first blog, in my subsequent Girl Blog posts 1 & 2, and my rants about being treated like an object, and there are more than just the ones I've linked here. Some might think that I'm repeating myself, or maybe call me a self indulgent feminist, or a ball busting frigid bitch. I don't know... I don't particularly care. I will continue to post what is in my heart and mind until the world has changed for the better, so as long as we coast along the status quo prepare yourselves for a loud, opinionated, independent woman. Consider yourselves duly warned.

 

Lessons for the New Generation of Women

• Learn to love and respect yourselves, because no one else will if you don't. If you allow others to walk all over you they will. It isn't always easy to be strong and to stand up for yourselves, but it is worth the fight.
• Be independent. This doesn't mean you shouldn't have someone helping you carry the load some times. Relationships are fantastic when they're healthy, but you should never depend on someone for your survival. Get an education, learn how to balance your checkbook, be able to cook your own meals, and pay your own bills. Forever isn't guaranteed and if that person you depended suddenly isn't there anymore it'll be easier to pick up the pieces and move on if you already have the skill sets in place.
• Be an active participant in life. If something bothers you speak out against it. If something speaks to your heart and inspires you, be vocal for it. Don't let things pass you by because you don't think you can make a difference, you'll be surprised at the sound one tiny voice can make.
• Love your sisters, and not just the biological ones. I know I've written about this before, and I probably will again, but when life gets you down there is no one in life that has your back more than a good girlfriend. She understands the emotions you're dealing with and how sometimes you just need someone to sit next to you to feel better. She understands the need for silence as much as the need to scream. Men can be fantastic support systems for the women they love, but they don't always understand that it takes more than a minute to be okay and that sometimes you have to cry and be angry before you get back to being your normal self. Your girls will understand because they have been there.
• Don't let your dreams be trampled on. So many times I see woman give up things that they love for other's hopes and dreams... or even worse because they feel their dreams aren't logical.  Maybe your dream was to be the next American Idol, but you can't carry a tune in a bucket...that doesn't mean you should stop singing all together. Sing your heart out whenever you get the chance. Maybe you wanted to be an artist, but your work isn't selling and you need to pay the bills, so go get that job that will keep your bank account in the black, but make sure you have the time to create, even if it's just for yourself. I think we've all gotten lost from time to time, but if you don't figure out some sort of outlet to make yourself happy and content you'll just be filled with resentment and that's no way to live life.
• Don't be afraid of your mistakes. Nothing teaches you how to grow and be better than falling down a few times. Every scar has it's own story, you can choose to heal or to pick at the scabs and bleed forever. Failing builds more character than winning, and it's best to learn early in life how to deal with sadness and defeat than to have life kick you in the teeth as an adult and to not know how to deal.
• Develop a good poker face and never let your enemies see you sweat. This world is tough, you have to be tougher. I'm not saying emotions are bad and should be hidden, but sometimes reading a situation and thinking about your reaction can help you out more than a spontaneous outburst.
• It's not shameful to ask for help. This doesn't counter my independence stance at all, it's impossible to do everything and to please everyone. There are occasions where you need to  call in for back up, to delegate, and to take off your superwoman cape and to let someone else save the day. This doesn't mean you're weak or incapable, just that you're strong and smart enough to know when to say "enough is enough."
• Define yourself.... even if you haven't figured life out yet. Be comfortable in your own skin, it's the only one you're ever going to get. If you don't want people to think of you as a "mean girl" don't be a mean girl. You don't want to be seen as a doormat? Don't let people walk all over you. It's not always as easy as that, but if you want to be perceived (or don't want to be) as a certain type of person you have to figure out a way to become that person.
• Check your baggage at the door. This is super hard, not even going to try to deny it, but if you don't let the new people in your life speak for themselves and are constantly comparing them to people of your past (good or bad) you'll never get to really know the person standing in front of you.
• No one is entitled to anything. Ever. Grow up, get a job and be responsible, just because you want something doesn't make it yours until you earn it. Same thing with people, just because you want someone (or they want you) you have to earn your place in their life (or they have to earn a place in yours). It isn't hard to get that spot, be kind, be honest and trustworthy, be supportive when someone needs you, be a good friend.

The more I read through this I realize that it isn't just good advice and wishes for the girls growing up in today's society, but it's good for everyone. I realize that some of the bullet points are easier to follow than others, and you can't do all of them all the time, but as long as their in your thoughts and are things you strive for on a regular basis you'll become a strong individual.

I'll leave you with this today, there is no bigger insult than someone telling you that you're boring and forgettable. Make your mark and carve your name in the history of the world.

You Know How I Know We're Old?...

My friends and I have this on going joke about "you know how I know we're old" then follow up with something that wouldn't have bothered us when we were in our teens/twenties that drive us crazy now... it's based on jokes from The Forty Year Old Virigin and if you haven't seen that particular flick, stop whatever you're doing and watch it. Prepare for lots of laughs. I plan to update this post as frequently as we come up with them, so check back.

at Yogurt Creations a build your own dessert chain where you serve yourself and pay by weight after you've filled your cup with frozen yogurt and toppings...

"You know how I know we're old?... watching that teenager eat her yogurt before weighing and paying is pissing me off... younger Me would have thought it was a fantastic idea"

at girl's night getting ready to watch a movie
"You know how I know we're old?...I just called the DVD player a VCR and the conversation never paused"

after girls' night when I was sick with vertigo
"You know... when Carrie has to hold your arm and walk you to your car so don't fall down"

...actually having vertigo might be an indicator too...

"You know... We actually know that Romeo & Juliet is a tragedy not a love story"

"You know... Chelsea Handler isn't even 10 years older than us, and that bitch is old"

"You know...parents actually trust me to chaperone their kids on overnight school trips"

"You know... we're older than the cast of Old School (when the movie was released)"

"You know... I just thought that an icy hot rub down on my shoulders would be amazing right now"

"You know... This song is totally about me: http://youtu.be/YSnDJ7exSO0 (it's a parody of T. Swift's 22, called 32)

"You know... we carry white wine into the movies for "girl's night" at 3:45 pm"

"You know... I now look for sunscreen with an SPF in the double digits (and we aren't talking teens), cover my face when out in the sun, and the first sunburn of the season is a disappointment and not the goal of the weekend"

"You know... two glasses of wine and I'm drunk... and have a massive hangover the next day"

"You know... I no longer look forward to staying up all night, I'd rather sleep in"

"You know... my idea of a great birthday party no longer includes going on pub crawls and expensive dinners, take out and a bottle (or multiple) of wine with great friends and being able to actually have a conversation with the people I'm with make for a fantastic evening."

"You know... it's taking more concealer to cover up the dark circles under my eyes and harder to pass off the grey hairs as platinum highlights."

"You know... I remember when Oregon Trail was a black screen with green dots, and there were no Matrix references"

"You know... I used a typewriter at my first job"

"You know... I know that "blow on it and try again" isn't always a sexual innuendo" (original Nintendo/Duck Hunt ftw)

"You know... when I hear someone mention "The Breakfast Club" I think of the John Hughes movie and not a sandwich at Jack in the Box"

"You know... these kids didn't just forget about Dre, they don't even know who he is outside of a Dr. Pepper commercial"

"You know... these kids didn't know that Michael Jackson has a famous sister, Janet... Miss Jackson if you're nasty"

"You know... these kids didn't know that Gwen Stefani was part of No Doubt BEFORE her solo career"

Today

 

Weird feelings are beginning to be the new normal. Restless nights are back in full swing and bad dreams are more frequent than they have been in months. Even the great dreams leave a bad taste in my mouth because when I wake up the moment is lost.

Some days this break up is a lot harder than others, at least on the bad days I don't feel the need to share funny stories with him or I know that I should stay away from my stash of Will Ferrell movies (even though WF is my second language). On the good days I forget that he's not "Boyfriend" anymore and I can't want to share my exploits, or ask him if his day was as great at mine. Not every day is a constant struggle though, sometimes I manage to go hours on end without thinking about him, each day gets better, so I know that the future holds a day where I won't think about him, who he's with, or what he's doing at all. At least not in the terms of I wish he was doing all of it with me. I look forward to that day.

I look forward to the day when I can call him my friend and not want more. I feel like that day is much closer than I had originally anticipated.  I truly want good things to happen for him, I want him to succeed and to have an amazing life.  I bear no ill will toward him. I never have, even in the darkest hours of this break up I have never hated him. That's new for me.

I have to say this was the first important break up that I've gotten through without getting drunk or relying on sleep aids to get through the night. I guess this means a girl is growing up.  I did regress a little last week, or maybe the week before, I looked up the one who came before him, to see what the old guy was up to... surprising to say, to see that he was still with the one he left me for and that they look happy and in love didn't hurt my heart. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I was "happy" for him, but I'll say they look like they deserve each other. And you know what I can walk away without pangs in my heart and no bad thoughts. I don't wish him (or her for that matter) any harm or heartache, and I think that's enough. So yes, it was a step backwards to look over my shoulder at what I refer to as "Club Evil" (I was with him during a bad time in my life, and while I thought he was helping me, he was really taking advantage of my vulnerability, and I was naive enough to trust him) I wasn't pulled back in. I didn't stay in the shadows.  I was able to survive that, I will get through this too. This will make me stronger, and it will get me ready for the next journey.

Today, I promise myself that even though I'm going to have moments of sadness and loneliness I won't let it discourage me. I will not give up on the idea of love. I will find that someone who wants to be MY someone. Maybe he'll find me. It will not be my focus in life, but I know it's out there.

For now I'm going to work on healing my heart. For now I will do things that make me happy and fufull me. I will not rely on someone else to create my happiness.

Today I will live for me.