Running on Empty

Some days it seems like the whole world is running on fumes, our tempers are short, our patience nearly non-existent, and we're all looking for that fuel to fill our souls.

Some eat their feelings (guilty as charged), some choose a more healthy route and sweat out the stress, some take it out on their wallets, others might blow off steam by dumping it on someone else, and sadly some find the need to chase the high and try to find peace by masking their pain in dangerous addictions.

I've been trying to find the words for months, long before Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Cory Monteith overdosed.  To say I don’t understand why or how they did this to themselves is an understatement, but not a judgment.  I do understand that depression and addiction know no income bracket, career success, education level, skin color, or national origin, and they don't discriminate.  There isn't some magical formula to decide who will be able to manage their depression in self destructive ways or who will channel it into more healthy outlets.

I'm not going to lie or pretend that it doesn't scare me to see someone I care about battle with their inner demons; it’s hard to watch someone you love be lost.  It’s hard to know that all you can do is be there for them, sometimes it’s hard to WANT to be there for them, because you don’t trust them not to hurt you in the process of hurting themselves. 

I dated a guy once upon a time who was clinically depressed, and when he was on his meds and was gainfully employed, he was a caring, generous, empathetic, awesome man… when he was off his medication, he was a different person entirely, he would be mean just for the sake of being mean, he would disappear for days at a time, and would go so far off the grid that there were times I called his parents to make sure he was still alive.  It’s not easy to love someone like that; it’s an effort you have to make every single day.  You also have to find a way to keep from circling the drain yourself.  In the end, we weren't right for each other and we went our separate ways; but not without leaving some emotional scars behind.

I've learned from other experiences that you can't force anyone to change in ways that they aren't ready for.  It doesn't matter how often you offer to help them, or scold them for making bad choices, they have to reach the decision to climb out of the darkness on their own. 

It's hard to be understanding, it's hard to not be judgmental, it might be impossible to put yourself in their shoes to see exactly what someone else is going through. I know I've sat in judgment of those around me who have struggled with addictive behaviors.  I've asked the questions "Why would s/he do this? They seem to have everything, they have no excuse to not be happy. Why are they so weak to turn to something that they know is bad for them? Didn't their parents pay enough attention to them? Maybe if they hadn't been given everything they wouldn't be seeking this never ending high. Don't they know they're hurting everyone around them? How can they be so selfish?" The truth is none of those questions are helpful, none of the answers change the fact that someone is hurting, and all they do is further traumatize the ones who love the addict, and make the person who is using feel more alienated.

I don’t have the answers, I don’t know when you should stick around and love someone through the pain, or when you should cut them off and save yourself.  Maybe there isn’t an answer, maybe it’s somewhere between, maybe it depends on your relationship with the person and their willingness to get the help they need.  It’s easy and common to be frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad, defeated, guilt, and so much more when you are on the sidelines of someone’s destruction, that’s why there are so many support groups for not only the addicts, but for their loved ones.  Please if you need help, or someone you love does, know that you are valuable, you are needed, you are loved, you are important, and can be stronger than the false ties that bind you in the shadows.

Alcoholics Anonymous
Narcotics Anonymous
Suicide Prevention Hotline
Al Anon, for families of alcoholics
Narc Anon, for the families of drug addicts
for the families of addicts

Operation Letting Go

I find that in our day to day lives we all get caught up in things that don't really matter. Drama on Facebook, opinions of strangers, bad drivers, that guy who didn't call back after a mediocre first date, rude people in line at the grocery store, we all have our stories about what makes our blood boil.

Here's my advice (and some I really want to take for myself) if whatever is causing your blood pressure to spike, tears to fall, or hand reach for the baseball bat under your car seat doesn't matter in the long run of your life, don't let it matter in the short run either.

Now when I say that they don't matter I mean it in, they aren't part of your life anymore or they play such a bit part that they'll go uncredited or as "Bad Date #45" when they roll the credits at the end of your story. I don't mean that as a human they don't matter and that they should jump off a cliff post haste. I don't mean they should be treated poorly or that you hate them... just that it won't change your life if they aren't part of it. This list can include an ex that you haven't seen in years and don't think you'll ever see them again... they can be people who once were a big deal but aren't on your radar anymore. They can be a childhood friend that's life took a different direction than yours and now all you have in common are a few social network sites. So on that note:

Life is too short to let people who don't matter hurt you or to let them ruin your day. It's nearly impossible to be rational with irrational people and it isn't worth the strain or stress to hang on to your anger.

I'm not saying you aren't entitled to your emotions or that you're feelings aren't warranted, you can feel whatever you want, I'm just saying that guy who cut you off in traffic doesn't even know he's a terrible driver and he doesn't care that you slammed on your breaks, being angry about it for hours/days/weeks later isn't going to solve anything.

When I saw online that an ex of mine (who I haven't had any contact with in getting close to two years now) has moved on and is having a child with someone else, yeah it felt like I was punched in the stomach for a good couple of hours, but after I thought about it, it was good news. It was the final push I needed to really let go, no hurt, no anger, just an overwhelming sense of relief. I know he's gone for good now. He's happy and honestly I'm great with that. I don't want to go back to being the person I was when we were involved, and now that bridge has been so completely destroyed that it's almost like it was never there. We can finally be the strangers we were always meant to be.

I also went through a phase where a friend of a friend was constantly posting things online that would fill me with such hostility that it was affecting my friendship with my ACTUAL friend. I took a deep breath, deleted the person and never looked back. I have found that it was great for my blood pressure and my real life friendships, win-win. Sometimes we just need to cut ties that unnecessarily bind us.

If someone hurt your feelings and they're someone you want to keep in your life, work on resolving the issue so you can both let it go. If it isn't someone you'd like to keep in your life, start making the necessary changes to cut them out. If it's someone that you feel you can't delete from your Facebook friends list hide them from your newsfeed and change your privacy settings so that you don't have to see their posts that make you seethe. If they are someone you can delete/block do so.

People only have as much power over you as you allow them to have, so if they don't matter, don't let them matter.