Dream State Escalate: 1

I have intense strange dreams. They're vivid and emotional and so very real in the moment. I often wake up still feeling the effects and I can usually remember them for days, sometimes years depending on their impact. I've been thinking about starting a dream journal for years, you know document the crazy. Maybe now is the time.

So last night thankfully there were no nightmares... just dreams that left me with a feeling of "WTF?!? You're weird Brain"

Dream 1: I was watching the news at home (odd I don't have cable in real life) and this huge scandal broke out... about the Los Angeles Lakers (not a fan). Turns out the "real" reason Shaq was traded all those years ago was that they found out he was plotting to murder the entire team! They found graphs and flip charts in his "war room." Everyone from the lowliest waterboy to ownership was on his hit list. So instead of charging him with planning a massacre, they just moved him across the country. Seems legit, he's an athlete, they wouldn't charge him since he's a "hero." Who knew my brain had a TMZ dream app.

Dream 2: I was married to Miles Austin. Yup. You know when I was in elementary school I was convinced I was going to marry Troy Aikman, so it's not a stretch that I'd find myself attracted to a different Cowboy. Anyway after a big win I was down on the field and getting interviewed (wives are important too!) and I was pregnant. Weird. Really weird. I was dressed really cute though, and had amazing hair. I could have been one of The Real Housewives of Dallas/Fort Worth if they ever decide to make that show. (also? have you seen that man? that baby would be GORGEOUS. Sure he might have cooties from dating Kim K. but I'm willing to forgive him for that... also to me says that he likes girls with big booties... and honey, Kim ain't got nothing on this girl)

Anyway... that was your daily dose of my crazypants dream state. Stay turned for more?

Today

 

Weird feelings are beginning to be the new normal. Restless nights are back in full swing and bad dreams are more frequent than they have been in months. Even the great dreams leave a bad taste in my mouth because when I wake up the moment is lost.

Some days this break up is a lot harder than others, at least on the bad days I don't feel the need to share funny stories with him or I know that I should stay away from my stash of Will Ferrell movies (even though WF is my second language). On the good days I forget that he's not "Boyfriend" anymore and I can't want to share my exploits, or ask him if his day was as great at mine. Not every day is a constant struggle though, sometimes I manage to go hours on end without thinking about him, each day gets better, so I know that the future holds a day where I won't think about him, who he's with, or what he's doing at all. At least not in the terms of I wish he was doing all of it with me. I look forward to that day.

I look forward to the day when I can call him my friend and not want more. I feel like that day is much closer than I had originally anticipated.  I truly want good things to happen for him, I want him to succeed and to have an amazing life.  I bear no ill will toward him. I never have, even in the darkest hours of this break up I have never hated him. That's new for me.

I have to say this was the first important break up that I've gotten through without getting drunk or relying on sleep aids to get through the night. I guess this means a girl is growing up.  I did regress a little last week, or maybe the week before, I looked up the one who came before him, to see what the old guy was up to... surprising to say, to see that he was still with the one he left me for and that they look happy and in love didn't hurt my heart. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I was "happy" for him, but I'll say they look like they deserve each other. And you know what I can walk away without pangs in my heart and no bad thoughts. I don't wish him (or her for that matter) any harm or heartache, and I think that's enough. So yes, it was a step backwards to look over my shoulder at what I refer to as "Club Evil" (I was with him during a bad time in my life, and while I thought he was helping me, he was really taking advantage of my vulnerability, and I was naive enough to trust him) I wasn't pulled back in. I didn't stay in the shadows.  I was able to survive that, I will get through this too. This will make me stronger, and it will get me ready for the next journey.

Today, I promise myself that even though I'm going to have moments of sadness and loneliness I won't let it discourage me. I will not give up on the idea of love. I will find that someone who wants to be MY someone. Maybe he'll find me. It will not be my focus in life, but I know it's out there.

For now I'm going to work on healing my heart. For now I will do things that make me happy and fufull me. I will not rely on someone else to create my happiness.

Today I will live for me.

Central Coast Winter

This weekend I was stir crazy and was about to jump out of my own skin... so where better to go to reclaim my inner peace than the beach. This place has been my home away from home since I got my driver's license at 16... maybe longer, I was a baby beach bunny too.

The ocean is my  favorite place to take photos, and I'm also learning how to use my photo editing software and I am constantly amazed at what I can do with pictures I already love.

Winter here on the Central Coast of California is when the big waves come to town, they aren't always evident in the pics that will follow, but if you come visit 6 months from now prepare for Lake Pacific. The water was cool and gorgeous, I was knee deep in the surf at moments.

Enjoy the photos. :-)