Shattered Glass

Preface: I wrote this "letter to him" after a night filled with anxiety attacks, vivid dreams, and a lot of tears. Its raw and unedited, exactly how I felt when I first woke up.


I hate how just seeing your name can make me break out into a cold sweat, how the mere thought of you gives me nightmares or even worse happy dreams of what could have been. How do you still have this hold on me? Why am I finding it so impossible to let you go? You aren't good for me, you never were. You have proven yourself to be selfish and untrustworthy. Those aren't qualities I'd look for in a friend or a lover, so why doesn't that goodbye we said 6 months ago feel final? Why am I so scared that one of these days you're going to show up out of the blue and the sound of your voice will make me forgive you? Am I really that weak? Do I hate myself that much that I would allow you back into my life just to break me all over again? Why did I ever love you? Why does it feel like I still do? I was never that important to you, so why did I allow you to become the center of my world?



SSFW: A giggle inducing guide to life, sex, and stuff

This blog is sort of co-authored by The Elitist.She had this idea that she wanted to post a blog about all the things she's learned from men in the past 15 months and have it be really silly and fun... I started texting her funny lessons I've learned dating in the past decade and she decided that maybe I should post the blog myself. 

So in no particular order, and by no particular order, I will list the following lessons by bullet point. Feel free to guess who said what and it might be a good idea to not have a beverage while reading. There were a few other contributors to the list and if you have any to add feel free to add them to the comment section. There is always room for more giggles. If you want a more serious list of the dating lessons I've learned over the years check out my blog about Loving Mr. Wrong  or being In Love With Love Apparently I write about relationships... but really what is life about if not relationships. They don't all have to be romantic, but human interaction is what we do.

Time to stop feeling philosophical and start making the list...

• I was introduced to medium rare steak, bread and butter pickles, and diet dr. pepper, those were the best things I can take from that relationship
• Always were a pony tail (for those with long hair) during kinky sex or you'll never get the tangles out.
• Semen in the eye stings like a mother fucker, but can be an effective hair gel if you run out.
• OMG cum in your eye will leave you with a red eye for three days and will ruin your contact
• If you have high intakes of wasabi and garlic in your diet, that's what your spunk will taste like and she'll never swallow again
• Or let you cum in her mouth again
• Shaved balls are gross
• If the rest of your body is hairy, do not shave your balls, it's alarming
• Gatorade immediately after a bender will help make the hangover more manageable the next day.
• Please refrain from using cutesy nicknames on the second date, wait until we're in a relationship, and even then be careful some are just cringe worthy.
• Don't forget to break up with your significant other/roommate before bringing new dates home, the outcome will be less than stellar.
• Change your sheets between bed buddies, no one appreciates souvenirs from previous guests 
• Never tell someone you're sleeping with that you love them... like a sibling
• No one wants to blow Swamp Thing, keep it clean friends.
• There is a right way and a wrong way to 69, him on top with swamp crotch = the wrong way
• Booty Call Rules are as Follows:
• if he calls after 10:59 its a booty call
• he needs to be single
• he can't meet your family
• he can come to your place
• he just needs to be single and hot!
• if your BC is your crush's bff don't expect your crush to ever be your BF
• its super hard to transition from a BC to a relationship... not saying it can't happen, but don't expect it to.
• If she's more interested in the cartoon going on in the background, you're probably doing it wrong
• Do not tell me you have a 24'' cock, because I will laugh at you and call you a liar. Its involuntary, really, when someone tells you something that ridiculous laughter is imminent.
• Ziploc is not an effective form of birth control
• If you're planning on breaking up with a girl, please don't take her on a super romantic vacation immediately before. It just makes goodbye that much harder and you kind of look douchey.
• Led Zepplin makes a perfect making out soundtrack
• Whiskey dick is NEVER appreciated.
• There is a right way and a wrong way to pull a girl's hair... if her reaction is a confused look or "ouch ouch that hurts!" you probably did it wrong.
• Sometimes the best sex is the kind that makes you burst out in uncontrollable laughing... no honey I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing because I'm having a good time.
• Fake boyfriends can never know that they are the fake boyfriend.
• You really shouldn't be proud that girls tell you "8 Second Ride" is your theme song, it doesn't mean what you think it means...
• You may think having long hair is sexy, but seeing as how it always doubles as something to grab onto, I'm always in some sort of a back-bend. No wonder I end up having sex on my head so often. Its like a permanent yoga session in my bedroom.

June Jamboree

June was a crazy fun month, so much happened that I almost feel like I can't get it all in one blog... However since I already posted about how I met David Arquette in New Orleans it will shorten the post a little bit.

The month started and ended in a similar fashion, celebrating my friend Tess' birthday.  The first weekend in June we went to see Sugarland in concert at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater in Irvine and it was so crazy, I knew I liked the band, but I didn't know that I LOVED them until that night. They are amazing live and are so involved with their fans, they brought the fan artwork on stage and showed it off like proud parents, took requests, and even had some fans get on stage and sing with them. How many superstars still do stuff like that? I'd guess not too many.

At the end of the month Tess and her sisters made the trek to the Central Coast and we went out to dinner at "Big McClintocks" in Pismo Beach and then had a dance party in Downtown SLO. Then per Downtown Tradition we made our way to IHOP for a late night breakfast stop before we went home. Menu suggestion? The Cinna-Stack pancakes, they will change your life, its like eating a giant cinnamon roll with whipped cream on top. A-mmmmmmmmmm-azing. Also? I wasn't drunk, so it wasn't boozy munchies that made them wonderful, they just were.

This month was peppered with girls nights, dinners, and just hanging out with friends both before and after the big family vacation. I love hanging out with my buddies, sushi, Mexican food, pizza, pasta, Snow White and the Huntsman, True Blood, and Magic Mike, what's not to love?

And finally..... NEW ORLEANS LOUISIANA!! We flew out of LAX on Sunday, June 17th and returned on Saturday, June 23rd. The trip was so much fun, we went on a bus tour of the city, a walking tour of the Garden District, a Haunted History Vampire Tour, a Swamp Tour, visited the Audubon Aquarium of the Americas, and then drove 5 hours for a twenty minute glance at the Tabasco factory in Avery Island.  My uncle who lives in a neighboring state came and visited one of the days we were there. We ate at fabulous restaurants almost every night. My favorite was Jacques-Imos, it was a Cajun restaurant and wonderful doesn't even begin to describe how good it was. We saw cemeteries, gators, the French Quarter, tried beneigts (if you've ever had funnel cake you've had a beneigt), met celebrities (Did I mention I met David Arquette? LOL), went on a walk along the Mississippi River, checked out Bourbon Street, and spent a lot of quality time with the family.  Happy Birthdays to the Family!