Are you who you thought you'd be now?

I was looking at my blog, searching for an idea of what to write about this month, and I came across this draft, I'm not real sure when I wrote it (because I forgot to look at the date before I clicked "edit") but I still like it, its still relevant, and while this isn't my official March post, I am going to share it with you.

Its weird... I've been scanning through friends and friends of friends' facebook pages and I'm finding out more than I ever really wanted or needed to know about some people. I had to stop. I had to look away. We live in the information age, but sometimes there IS a such thing as too much information.

I look around and I see that I'm no where near where I thought I'd be at 30.  It's not a bad thing, dreams change, priorities change, and life sometimes takes a different path. I'm okay with that for the most part.  If you would have asked me 6 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I would have told you married with kids and living in the Houston suburbs. God, that dream is so long dead and buried I often wonder if it was real. Did I ever really want that they way I thought I did? A year ago I would have thought that I'd still be chasing the crush I had but that maybe we finally found a way to make it work the way I wanted it to instead of the way that had been convenient for him... That dream is gone too, although that one had kind of turned into a nightmare itself, so its probably good for my mental health that I've woken up from that too.

When I was in college I wanted to set the world on fire. I want to shake things up, I wanted to make changes, I wanted to be a part of the greater good. Part of me still wants that, I just don't know where to start. There are so many things that are wrong with our society that it overwhelms me. There is so much injustice, inequality, and a general suckines in the world that I don't even know where to start. I guess I do a small part in raising awareness by forwarding and sharing news articles trying to get people fired up about the problems, but I don't know how to be part of the solution.

When I started working at the gym and later managing it I thought I was in it to help people feel better about themselves, get healthy, have fun, and just enjoy life more... but it didn't really work out that way. That place was such a stress ball of depression and irresponisble ownership that I didn't even want my name linked to it by the time it was all over.

I'm still looking for my purpose, trying to find my way... I finally have a job that I like and where I actually respect my bosses (it has been too long since I've had that). I adore my family and friends... but I guess I'm still like that Disney Princess who is still looking for that "something more." I'll get there some day, I know it, I'm so close.

Things To Be Grateful For: February Edition

I want to do something different.  At least once a month I want to stop the whining, stop the complaining, chill on the anger (granted I vent a lot more on Facebook than here), and just focus on the good stuff.  Take some time to think about what makes me smile, what makes me happy, and what makes me glad to live the life I have. That way when I get stressed out or upset when things don't go my way I can look back through this and feel my heart warm up and everything will be fine again or at least closer to fine.

I want this to mean more than just a list of cliched but true things that I'm grateful for, friends, family, health, employment, etc... although I VERY MUCH AM grateful for them, I just want to be more specific, and I also want to appreciate the little things in life that can make the difference in a person's day.

So this is what is making me happy this year so far:

• Dance Parties! Two weeks ago I hung out with a friend from HS that I got back in touch with through Facebook, and I've been having a blast getting reacquanted.
• New Friends! My buddy from HS introduced me (re-introduced? apparently we knew each other in HS but don't remember each other) to a new friend and I feel like I've met my long lost twin. Its weird but I feel like I've known her forever already.
• My mom's 50th birthday. I love my mom more than anyone in the world. She's everything to me and I hope she has at least 50 more years with me.
• Chunky Monkey Cupcakes, I sort of invented the most amazing cupcakes ever, no big deal
• Clean Sheets: is anything more cozy and relaxing than the first night with clean sheets on the bed?
• Brews with my bros... seriously unfiltered drinking with boys who have your back no matter what because they're family.
• Finally reaching 500 Sephora points and scored some pretty new OPI nail polish
• Best Friends: Dinners in the village w/ my BFF and her hubby, wine/book club parties w/ Lacey & Joaquin... its what makes things more interesting.
• Meeting a good friend over the phone. Even though we won't meet in person until NEXT SPRING I feel like we'll be great friends for life.
• Fabulous hair and and the extra fabulous friend who does my hair and makes me laugh at myself and all my silliness
• Learning how to control or maybe loosen my grip a little and talk MYSELF down from anxiety attacks (at least the little ones)
• Sleeping all the way through the night. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, its blissful

So that's the short list. There is so many other things/people/events that are great and that make me furiously happy, but I want to leave some stuff for the rest of the year too.

Marilyn

It’s weird where inspiration strikes you, the mood it can put you in, and the thoughts it provokes in you.

I was at work the other day checking my facebook page, I know bad employee, but I swear you can only stare at a contracts for so long before your eyes go crossed and your brain turns into egg salad, that’s the story I’m sticking with anyway.  Back to facebook, I was looking at my page and I saw that it recommended that I “like” Marilyn Monroe.  As my cursor hovered over the suggestion I stopped and thought to myself “Do I really *like* her?”  Yes, I realize that it’s just a social network and it doesn’t really matter if I like something there or not, but it made me think.

I will not dispute her beauty; she was a physically gorgeous woman, so much prettier than many of today’s beauty queens.  I don’t even want to debate whether or not she was a good actress, I’ve seen a couple movies she was in and I was entertained.  I just can’t decide if I like her.  I wouldn’t ever want to be like her, and I’d be disappointed if any of my friends or family members looked to her as a role model.

Now I’m one of the first people to say that you shouldn’t put celebrities up on a pedestal and hold them as role models, but this woman has inspired so many females from when she was still in the limelight, making movies and headlines, up to now.  Young women are getting facial piercings called that are reminiscent of her mole; it’s even named after her.  I don’t have any issues with facial piercings within reason, I had a nose ring in college that I would probably still have if I wasn’t allergic to it, but I did it because it was something I liked and I wanted.  I didn’t do it because I wanted to look like someone else.

I didn’t do it because I wanted to look like that incredibly beautiful, but probably very short sighted Silver Screen Queen of the past.  She died of a drug overdose at 36 years old.  I’m only 6 years younger than that right now.  She’d been married and divorced multiple times, was an addict, unreliable and unpredictable.  She was a woman-child who lost her way. 

In reading Wikipedia articles about her she seemed like she was such a sad tragic character.  She appeared bright and bubbly on the surface, but there was turmoil behind that iconic face.  I think the people who find her life enviable are the same people who think that Shakespeare’s play “Romeo and Juliet” was a romantic love story about two teenagers, when it was a deep tragedy.  It wasn’t so much of a love story as it was a cautionary tale.  It was about politics, blood feuds, and what happens when pride gets in the way of common sense.

So the question remains.  Do I like her?  I’m still on the fence.  I feel sorry for her I guess.  Her life was a stream of opportunity lost and poor decision making.  She may have had all the money, fame, love of a few good men, and the adoration of millions of fans for all eternity, but her life just makes me sad.  She had everything people claim to want, but I don’t think she was happy.